Movie Review: "xXx: State of the Union" (2005)

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Movie: "xXx: State of the Union"
Director: Lee Tamahori
Year: 2005
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 41 minutes

Agent Augustus Gibbons (Samuel L. Jackson) taps a new xXx agent in military prisoner and former Navy SEAL Darius Stone (Ice Cube). Gibbons wants Stone to investigate an immediate threat to the US government. 

"xXx: State of the Union" is the sequel to 2002 X-Games inspired spy movie "xXx." This installment is directed by Lee Tamahori, who is known for directing "Mulholland Falls" and the James Bond film "Die Another Day." It is written by Simon Kinberg, who would go on to work on films like "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" and "X-Men: The Last Stand." A new director and new writer aren't all that's different about this sequel. Gone are they days when Vin Diesel played Xander "xXx" Cage and would do Superman flips on a dirt bike off ramps to stop a solar-powered submarine, because why would you need xXx in a "xXx" movie?? In his place is Ice Cube as Darius Stone, military prisoner and ex-Navy SEAL. So, how did Kinberg and Tamahori get around the absence of Vin Diesel? Easy! Simply by writing a one-off line about him being killed off screen, and another about how the NSA absorbed the 'xXx' moniker from Xander's nickname to reflect the new name of the super secret program and call sign of whatever agent they hire in his place, aka Darius Stone. You know, like James Bond, but nowhere near as cool. Also gone are all of the extreme sports references since the X-Games fad was starting to die out a bit in 2005. Ice Cube isn't going to be dirt biking, snowboarding, or base jumping, he is just going to mean-mug, say the occasional silly or snarky line, and do basic action movie stunts in front of poorly computer generated trains.

With Diesel gone and no ~*extreme~* theme, what we are left with in "xXx: State of the Union" is a movie with a poorly written script and terrible dialogue that has removed the over-the-top but modestly entertaining extreme sports angle and replaced it with generic action sequences and a rather slow and miserable viewing experience. Also in the cast are Samuel L. Jackson, who reprises his role of Agent Augustus Gibbons, now with 50% less facial scarring and 50% enthusiasm to collect his paycheck for his participation, Willem Dafoe, who plays the villain because why else would he be in this movie, Xzibit, who gets to do his "Pimp My Ride" television segment on Ice Cube's lifted truck, and Scott Speedman, who plays FBI agent Kyle Christopher Steele, aka boring, expected Scott Speedman role #45 from the early 2000's no one remembers, who is present on screen from time to time performing his role with about as much flavor as a loaf of plain white bread. No one, we repeat, no one does anything of note in this project to distinguish itself from "nonspecific Wal-Mart dollar bin movie." Who would have thought we'd prefer Xander Cage to this crap?

With all the dopey but fun elements stripped away, all we are left with in this sequel is what feels like a knockoff version of a much cooler action crime thriller. It's not like the original was some revered piece of cinema, but to fall this far in just 2 years? Yikes.

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My Rating: 3/10
BigJ's Rating: 3.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 4.3/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 16%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!