Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Movie Review: "Slender Man" (2018)

Director: Sylvain White
Year: 2018
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 33 minutes

A group of teenagers watches an online video that is said to summon an entity known as Slender Man. They think it's all fun and games, but when girls start seeing strange things and start disappearing, it may turn out to be all too real.


Joey King Julia Goldani Telles Slender Man 2018
This is Joey King and Julia Goldani Telles on their phone, which is the only thing they do for literally 90 minutes in "Slender Man." (Image Source)
A few times a year, we come across a film or two that makes us question our choices in life. It makes us ask things like, "as movie reviewers do we really need to try and see everything?," "isn't our time more valuable than this?," and, "what in the fuck were we thinking of, buying tickets to "Slender Man" instead of doing much more productive things?" Staring at a literal wall for 90 minutes would have been more entertaining than watching "Slender Man." If anyone cares, this film was directed by Sylvain White, who has directed other features such as "Stomp the Yard" and "The Losers," which is about audience members like ourselves who actually gave up 90 minutes of their lives to sit through "Slender Man." The screenplay is written by David Birke, who has written movies like "Horseplayers," "13 Sins," and the critically acclaimed "Elle." How the fuck Birke also wrote this codswallop is beyond our comprehension.
Annalise Basso Slender Man 2018 horror movie
This is Annalise Basso trying to hide the fact that she's in "Slender Man." (Image Source)
"Slender Man" is about a group of teenage girls who one night decide to watch a video online that is said to summon a demon-like entity known as Slender Man, noodly appendages and all. And by golly wouldn't you know it, the video actually worked! Slender Man gets invoked almost instantly, which leads the girls to be tormented, driven crazy, and/or straight-up taken by Slendy.

If it wasn't already apparent, we loathed this movie. It is an absolute slog on top of being a nonsensical mess narratively speaking. Sylvain White tries his best to create an unsettling mood and build tension but fails miserably. Some kid running into the theater after just being in the bathroom was scarier than all of "Slender Man." The atmosphere is pretty much limited to dark and foggy forests, dark and foggy rooms, and dark and foggy cinematography. Every attempt at tension seems to be derived from a video call coming from an unknown number. Seriously, who the hell answers a phone call anymore, let alone a video call from an unknown number? The film is overloaded with cliches, jump scares complete with loud-to-silent music drop-offs, and mounds of expository information delivered through the faithful horror-movie-trope of scary-web-searching-followed-by-frantic-link-clicking. The story is a jumbled, frazzled mix of who the fuck knows as plot points are both brought up and go nowhere and are brought up and never get finished. People, places, and plot details are dropped just as quickly as they arise. We feel bad for cast members Joey King, Julia Goldani Telles, Jaz Sinclair, and Annalise Basso because they all deserve better.
Slender Man 2018 horror movie Slenderman
This is Javier Botet doing the best he can, trying to bring some sort of creepiness to "Slender Man." (Image Source)
"Slender Man" is a waste of celluloid. The only good thing about this movie is that it is short. It's disgraceful to moviegoers who paid to see this and to the studio that spent money on it that this is the final product we/they got. There is no mood, no tautness, and no scares. It is full of laughable dialogue and has a screenplay that's in shambles. The story doesn't make a lick of sense, and we know why: the script clearly never got finished because this is obviously an incomplete film. For such a creepy horror figure like Slender Man to get this as a movie is unfathomably horrendous. Slendy deserves better. Please do not make the same mistake we did. Our suffering can be your reward. We watched this piece of trash movie so you don't have to. We are not praying people, but you bet your ass we prayed for a meteor to hit our movie theater to put us out of our misery.

My Rating: 1/10
BigJ's Rating: 1/10
IMDB's Rating: ~3.1/10
RT Rating: ~13%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

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