Saturday, July 27, 2013

Movie Review: "The Lone Ranger" (2013)

Movie: "The Lone Ranger"
Director: Gore Verbinski
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 2 hours, 29 minutes
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Based on a radio series and TV show, The Lone Ranger movie starring Johnny Depp and Armie Hammer is about John Reid, a man living in the shadow of his older brother, who believes in the ideals of justice and the law. After an ambush where his brother and the others in their posse are killed, John Reid is left for dead until he is discovered and resurrected by Tonto, a Comache Indian who seems a little off his rocker. John reluctantly teams up with Tonto in order to find Butch Cavendish, the outlaw who murdered his brother (AND APPARENTLY ATE HIS HEART?????). John also believes that Cavendish may have his brother's wife and son captured. Along their journey, John comes to the realization that the ideas of law and justice just don't fit in the wild, wild west.

This movie wasn't good, but it wasn't bad, either. It was just "meh."

There were lots of parts where BigJ and I both felt like the writers made the character of Tonto too silly, almost a parody of himself, while simultaneously dumbing him down. Armie Hammer is a big dude, perhaps almost too physically tall for this roll, but despite his size, he comes off as a huge freakin' wimp for about 85% of the movie. It should not have taken his character nearly the entire 2 hours and 29 minutes to figure out the seedy goings on in the film. He is also a very stiff actor...dude needs to loosen the hell up once in a while!

The action in this film is very over-the-top; it seems like filmmakers added extra big booms throughout the movie to simply placate summer moviegoers. The comedy was basic and forced, so forced, in fact, that we were left waiting for a rim-shot. There were maybe 2 times I chuckled during this film, and when I did, it usually involved Silver, the horse.

Gore Verbinski is a huge fan of long, wide, beautiful shots of scenery, and without these shots, the movie could have been anywhere from 30-60 minutes shorter. To have a movie targeted towards younger audiences be 2 hours and 29 minutes long is absolutely ludicrous, especially given its poor pacing. Quite frankly, people don't really want to see movies over 2 hours, let alone westerns over 2 hours.

This movie was basically a way to make Pirate of the Caribbean in the desert. An old west Pirates. Starring Captain Tonto Sparrow, as we called him seconds after the movie has ended. Johnny Depp should have cut his losses while he was ahead because this movie pretty much sank and stank. It was a huge flop at the box offices, so take note, film makers. If the movie would have taken itself maybe even 50% more seriously, it could of had potential and/or success. Mocking the radio and TV show was not the way to go here. Let's put this one into the vault and never speak of it again.

If you're bored, or sick, or home from work, or literally have nothing else to do, get yourself an ice cream/coffee/tasty treat and then watch the movie...I guarantee the treat will be the best part.

My Rating: 4/10
BigJ's Rating: 5/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.7/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 27%
Do we recommend the film: No.


  1. I'm all for Johnny Depp (met him locally a few years ago when they were filming Public Enemies here) but yeah, when I saw that he was in this I was leery.

    We'll probably watch this eventually, when it comes out on free channels. I doubt we'll buy it or ppv it.


    1. It's definitely a movie to see on cable free channels, not to pay for...yikes!

      That's really cool you met Johnny Depp, though! I'd love to meet him!