Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Movie Review: "Getaway" (2013)

Movie: "Getaway"
Director: Courtney Solomon
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes
Image Source
Summary: Vroom, vroom, vrooooooooooooooooom, Ethan Hawke's wife got kidnapped, nerrrrrr vroooooooooooooom vroooooooooooooooommm, crash vroooooooooooooooooom, crash, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeehh verrrrrrrrrrroooooooommm, reeeeeeeeeeerrrrhhh vrooooooom. Chipmunk jumps in car with gun (LOL YA RIGHT SELENA GOMEZ, WHY U THINK WE'RE IDIOT), vroooooooooooooooom, crash, dead end, vrooooooooooooom, Jon Voight's nasty mustache and food-filled smile, vrooooooooooooooom reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehh vroooooommm, explosion, vrooooooooooooooooom. End scene.

BigJ and I had literally no expectations of this film, and for me, those nonexistent expectations were not met. Talk about a 90 minute commercial for Shelby. Are Mustang sales really that far in the tank?

This movie is nothing more than a 90 minute car chase with a convoluted scheme featuring Jon Voight's toothy, foody smile (his person is never actually seen until the end of the movie), Selena Gomez's excuse to say "shit" as many times as she can before her parents realize she's been out past her curfew, and a washed up looking Ethan Hawke who doesn't really fit the role and basically just needed another (small) paycheck to pay his rent.

And how many damn gadgets does one spoiled rich girl need? Selena Gomez, her character's name "The Kid," has a cell phone, an iPad, a camera, and apparently has mad hacker skillz, yo. She discovers the source of a closed-circuit feed on her iPad in about 3 swipes/17 seconds. She was also able to get into the power plant's computer in seconds and switch a closed-circuit feed to a live feed and then route it to a police station in seconds. WHAT?

Ethan Hawke's character feels morally against shooting Selena Gomez when instructed to do so by The Voice, yet has no moral recourse for the thousands of pedestrian lives he could have/did endanger when cruising his vehicle across malls, through ice rinks, down stairs, into parks and crowded streets...why put this dialogue in there at all since it makes no sense that it's there in the first place?

How on earth did this movie get green-lit, and why did it get made in the first place? It is absolute, complete drivel. When done right, car chases in films can be fun and entertaining; after the 287th car chase, it starts to become redundant. This movie is not fun, or entertaining, or good. The people involved in this hot mess need to quit while they are ahead, especially Selena Gomez. Stick to singing, girl, though I can't honestly say you're very good at that, either. Actually, stick to storing nuts in dem cheeks for food during the winter (*SIDEBAR* I'd like to point out that this line was uttered by BigJ, so Selena Gomez fans, whatever you're calling yourselves these days, direct your anger towards him).

My Rating: 2/10
BigJ's Rating: 3/10
IMDB's Rating: 4.4/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 2%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

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