Movie Review: "Ouija" (2014)

Movie: "Ouija"
Director: Stiles White
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 29 minutes

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When a young woman named Debbie (Shelley Hennig) seemingly hangs herself, her best friend Laine (Olivia Cooke) is distraught that she did not get to say goodbye and wants to know why her friend would take her own life. Laine locates a Ouija board in Debbie's room and gathers her boyfriend Trevor (Daren Kagasoff) and her closest friends Isabelle (Bianca A. Santos), Pete (Douglas Smith), and her sister Sarah (Ana Coto) to try and contact Debbie from beyond the grave. They are successful in making contact with the other side, but when they realize the being they contacted is not actually their deceased friend, they may wind up meeting the same fate. 

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As movie reviewers, we get to see a lot of different types of films. Some are extraordinary, others are just so-so, and some are downright horrible. A lot of times, movies that take themselves way too seriously end up being unintentionally hilarious. "Ouija" is not one of those movies. It's painful to watch and you can't wait until it's over. It takes itself seriously as a horror movie, and just ends up being stupid. Not only is the acting utterly atrocious with relatively no-name actors, but the attempts at pulling off the ear-markers that all classic horror films contain are pithy, lame and most importantly, not scary whatsoever. If I had a conversation with myself and released it out into the world, it would be more entertaining than this film, and probably more scary, too. It is our firm belief that horror movies should stay where they are destined to be great, and that is only ever the R rating. 98.759% of PG-13 rated horror films miss the mark, and this movie does so by an outstanding amount. Here, we have another flick that relies on jump-scare after loud noise after feeble attempt at creepiness. When the best scene in the movie is three minutes into its run time, you know you're in for a long, slow ride ahead. Ultimately, the most frightening thing about this movie is the fact that you have payed your actual, hard-earned money to see it.

When the company that makes Ouija boards releases a limited edition pink version of the game, and this is the item filmmakers have chosen to bank all of their financial success on, there may be a disconnect between what that item is and what they are intending to accomplish with a boring, silly, predictable, and super obvious horror film. It is not original, it is not clever, and it is not fun. In fact, most PG-13 horror movies are insulting to the genre as a whole. Attempting to reach a wider audience by cheaply throwing every trick in the book to make people forget THIS MOVIE IS REALLY ABOUT A BOARD GAME in an effort to maximize profits is ludicrous. And you know what? The saddest thing about it is that it was number one this weekend at the box offices. We can only hope the eventual adaptations of "Connect Four," "Go Fish" and "Skipbo" are better than this.

And is it just us, or is Michael Bay willing to slap his name onto any crapfest that comes along lately? Are your dozen pools not yet overflowing with enough cash for you, you human paraquat?

My Rating: 2/10
BigJ's Rating: 2/10
IMDB's Rating: ~4.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 10%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!