Friday, November 21, 2014

Movie Review: "House at the End of the Street" (2012)

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Movie"House at the End of the Street"
Director: Mark Tonderai
Year: 2012
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 41 minutes

Elissa (Jennifer Lawrence) moves from Chicago to a small town with her mother Sarah (Elizabeth Shue). They rent an affordable house on the edge of a state park. The house is affordable because the neighboring house was the site of a double murder where a young girl named Carrie Anne Jacobson (Eva Link) killed her parents. The house is still occupied by Ryan Jacobson (Max Thieriot), the son of the murdered couple. The town doesn't like him living there, but Elissa winds up meeting Jacob and becomes his friend. Ryan seems like a perfectly nice guy, but he may be hiding a terrible secret. 

Before Jennifer Lawrence was the Jennifer Lawrence she is today, she starred in this piece of crap movie.

Fortunately, the movie opens with a couple of murders, which is a good start for any horror, suspense or thriller. Unfortunately, for the next long hour and 37 minutes, we are treated to the polar opposite of what any horror, suspense or thriller is supposed to be: a creepy, angsty, borderline rape-y teenage melodrama overwrought with forbidden love, complaints and a surprise twist that audiences can see coming from a mile away if they just use their brain. Elissa constantly bitches at her mother for not being there for her, and her mother is overprotective, trying to make up for being absent in Elissa's younger years. They bicker back and forth. Sarah sets specific rules even though she's always at work and not around to make sure Elissa abides by them, and Elissa always breaks her mother's rules, yada yada yada, this might as well be "Twilight." One of her mother's rules is not to get too close to Ryan, the boy next door who just happens to be the brother of a murderer, because her mom is a judgmental bitch. But really, what mother wants her kid growing up to marry someone involved with a murder? Oh, that's right, Charles Manson is getting married and you're still single. Try explaining that this Thanksgiving. #SorryNotSorry

Elissa has a hard time adjusting to her new surrounding right away. Yawn, boring, more stupid, unnecessary plot points. She becomes friends with *~super hottie~* Tyler, played by Nolan Gerard Funk, who ends up making sexual advances towards her that border on rape. Vomit. Remind us again why this is necessary in 2014, let alone ever? In an effort to branch out, Elissa extends a hand to her ~*forbidden fruit and super hottie neighbor,*~ obviously breaking her mother's wishes, and gets closer to Ryan. Their romance and infatuation is gross and creepy. This slow moving, plodding romance leads an ultimate ridiculous twist and a final showdown that is hardly worth sitting through the rest of this garbage to witness. There's something to be said for a really shitty town cop, and local policeman Bill Weaver (Gil Bellows) is completely fucking useless and terrible at his job. Honestly, what's the point of even wasting the town's valuable tax dollars on such a moron? There is no originality with any of the characters or even with the plot itself. It's poorly acted, especially the part Elizabeth Shue plays. Good lord, where did they dig her up to get her to be in this movie? She hasn't been relevant since the 90's. I guess she and Jennifer Lawrence look alike, a little? Even Lawrence, America's (present day) Sweetheart, is sub-par here and cannot save this movie from itself.

COME ON, PEOPLE! Next to nothing exciting or thrilling happens in this movie beyond the first 3 minutes of the film. There has to be more creativity in the horror/thriller/suspense genres than this. Is this the future? Shitty rich kids with even shittier parents who only care about their property values diminishing because someone was murdered in the house next door and ostracizing the brother who lived through it all? Kids and adults who hang out in posh pools acting like douchebags, smoking, drinking, partying and gambling under the guise of doing community service? Seriously, no parents in the world are that stupid...right?? Horrible movie, borderline disgraceful to the genres it represents.

My Rating: 2.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 2.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.6/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 10%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!
One year ago, we were watching: "Thor: The Dark World"

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