Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Lolo's Lists: Top 10 WORST Movies of 2014!

Usually on movie review sites, people start out with the films they loved every year. Most people want to know about the best of everything! Well, we don't do things the same on this here blog, so we're going to share our top 10 worst films of 2014 with you all today! Trust us when we say this list was easy peasy compared to the films we loved. Even after seeing 123 movies in the theater in 2014, some of these we've had in mind since early on this year.

We will start at #10 and move onto our #1 worst film. Keep in mind, these are only movies that came out in 2014, whether we saw them in the theater or on DVD. Of course, we can only rate the movies we have seen (sorry, "The Legend of Hercules," we'll get to you soon). Happy New Year, now avoid these movies in 2015!
10) "The Other Woman" (3.5/10) - While we're huge proponents for female empowerment, "The Other Woman" is a perfect example of how not to get it. Offensive, stereotypical and downright laughable (and not in a good way), "we spent most of the film rolling our eyes and shaking our heads at the forced jokes and regression of womanhood as we know it." Tons of people loved this movie, but us, not so much. It just barely earned a spot on our top 10 list.
9) "A Million Ways to Die in the West" (3.5/10, collectively) - Ripe with the same jokes that you'd see in your average episode of "Family Guy," just with more f-bombs, "A Million Ways to Die in the West" it literally a crapfest, and if you've seen the movie, you'll know what we mean. Trying so desperately to be a modern age "Blazing Saddles" this movie claimed its rightful spot on our worst 10 films of 2014 list with ease. Not even Liam Neeson could save this movie. It even made us question our status as online film critics, and as we mentioned when we first saw the movie, "It's conflicting because, as bloggers, we want to SEE ALL THE THINGS!!! but as people with morals and self-respect, maybe we need to redraw our line and stop inadvertently funding McFarlane's feeble, ineffectual, and insufficient attempts at what constitutes as humor."
8) "That Awkward Moment" (3.5/10, collectively) - It seems like romance took a huge step backwards in 2014, and we're not going to be blaming the children of today if their perceptions of true love are skewed in the wrong direction with movies like 'That Awkward Moment" being in existence. Is this really what dating is like today? Because if it is, boy, we're glad we're happily married! This movie spews out the same regurgitated and formulaic rom-com plot line we've come to loathe and chocks it full of "a never-ending stream of f-bombs, jokes about erections, jokes about pooing, with sprinkles of something that resembles sentimentality at a fourth grade level." When movies are "encased in a soft shell of misogyny, try-hardedness, bad spray-tanner, and poor delivery, it makes for an "awkward" viewing experience." Skip this one, even if you're a Zac Efron fan.
7) "I, Frankenstein" (3/10) - Not even Aaron Eckhart's rock hard abs could salvage "I, Frankenstein" from being an excessive waste of time. The silly nicknames for its characters are excessive, the video game graphics are excessive, the horribly poor script writing is excessive. It's just all too much! Everyone involved in this project either took this movie way too seriously or owed someone in Hollywood a major favor and got stuck being in it. And it's not even ironically funny like "The Room," it's just bad-bad.
6) "The Best of Me" (3/10) - Luke Bracey has the derpiest face in all of Hollywood. There, we said what everyone was thinking. "The Best of Me" is one of the worst offenders in a long line of movies with unrealistic and really, unhealthy, expectations for love and relationships. It's also proof that: 1) all Nicholas Sparks books apparently "deserve" film adaptations because teenage girls and middle-aged housewives still eat this crap up; 2) casting directors have no idea what it means to grow up because Luke Bracey and James Marsden look nothing alike; and 3) you can be a less than mediocre actor and still get hired. This movie is a complete and utter recycled misery on top of the fact that "it's disingenuous, asinine, abhorrent, and loathsome. What a waste of time."

5) "Sex Tape" (3/10) - 2014 seemed to mean raunchier comedies hitting the big screen, but it also seems like the raunchier they get, the more dumb they get, too. "Sex Tape" has a simple enough plot, a couple makes a sex tape and it gets sent into the "cloud," so they need to retrieve it so their friends and family won't see it. The only problem is, not only is there not that much nudity and sex in a movie called "Sex Tape," but what little there is contains no excitement, no chemistry between leads Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel, and really, no comedy whatsoever. Plus, this movie continues the tired cliche that, before couples get married, they have tons of sex, but once a ring gets puts on it, all sexy-time stops. In the case of "Sex Tape," what they are saying is the complete opposite of every. single. one. of Diaz and Segel's conversations, which all revolve around sex. At least it isn't that long time-wise.
4) "Ouija" (2/10) - A movie adaptation of a board game doesn't even sound like a good idea! Another Michael Bay production, "Oiuja" is utterly pointless and crudely acted on top of being completely devoid of suspense, thrills and chills. At the end of the day, this movie has a lame, not scary plot and just flat out sucks. We can't wait for the film adaptation of "Go Fish" since it seems like that's where the film industry is headed. PG-13 horror movies should die in a fire.
3) "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" (2.25/10, collectively) - If you only read one of our movie reviews this year, please, do yourself a favor and read our review for "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." It's one of our best, if we do say so ourselves. Films like this are the reason we wanted to become reviewers, to share our disdain with the world. Kids will enjoy this movie for its "boom" (read: over-explosionated, CGI-riddled, lack-of-imagination stink-bomb) factor, but for those of us who have been around since the late 70's/early 80's, we know that everything about Michael Bay's intentions to destroy our childhood memories is wrong. All wrong. Bay didn't even direct this movie, he just produced it, and it still has his stink all over it! This movie is NOT called "'Middle-Aged-Lifeless-Super-Mouth-Breather" IT'S CALLED "TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA FUCKING TURTLES." We might still be bitter about this one.
2) "Left Behind" (2/10) - When we first heard about "Left Behind," we thought, "okay, this will be a good movie to see for the LOL factor." The problem is, there were really no LOLs to be had. It's as if filmmakers went out of their way to make Nicolas Cage not have a freak-out scene so he could look sane and normal. Poorly acted and shrouded in religious rhetoric, "Left Behind" is simply terrible. Nicolas Cage should have given up years ago.
1) "Dumb and Dumber To" (1/10) - Do you know what it is like to not laugh during a movie? Watch "Dumb and Dumber To" and you will most likely know how it feels. We like to think that we are the "every-man's" movie critic in that we base most of what we like or don't like on how entertained we are during a film. We're not stuffy shirts. We know that humor is subjective from person to person, but this movie is straight-up not funny. We kid you not, we didn't laugh once, and neither did anyone else in the mostly full theater with us. "It's hard to say that this film was a disappointing failure 20 years in the making because filmmakers waited so long to produce a sequel for the masses. Even if they had waited only 10 years, it probably would have been 10 years too long." This sequel is a "filthy for no point, unoriginal and rehashed, poorly acted stink bomb cash-grab movie." What a fucking disaster.

We hope you enjoyed our list! Do you agree or disagree? What was the worst film of 2014 for you? Let us know in the comments below!

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