Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Movie Review #208: "The Boy Next Door" (2015)

Movie"The Boy Next Door"
Ticket Price: $7.00
Director: Rob Cohen
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 31 minutes
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Claire Peterson (Jennifer Lopez) is a divorced teacher who is trying to get her and her son Kevin's (Ian Nelson) lives back on track after being hurt and cheated on by her now ex-husband Garrett (John Corbett). When a boy named Noah Sandborn (Ryan Guzman) moves in with his uncle next door after his parents are in a car accident, he quickly befriends Kevin and attempts to get closer to Claire. In an effort to bond with his son, Garrett takes Kevin on a camping trip for the weekend, leaving Claire home alone. She gets drunk after a bad first date experience and has a one-night stand with Noah. The next morning, she tries to distance herself from the situation, but Noah becomes obsessed with her and will stop at nothing to get Claire all to himself.

There's the January we know and love!!

Who would have thought that we'd see another 1/10 review so soon after "Dumb and Dumber To"? I thought it'd be at least another year before we'd have to give anything such a horrible rating. I mean, we expected "The Boy Next Door" to be bad. Eye-rollingly bad, in fact. I'm pretty sure everyone did. But this awful??? No one could have expected this level of badness.

Technically, and we mean technically as in actually and factually, this movie should be called "The Man Next Door." Within the first 10 minutes of the film, we find out in a line uttered by the lead "boy" character Noah, played appallingly by Ryan Guzman, that he is 19 going on 20, which means no real crime was actually committed by Jennifer Lopez's character Claire. BigJ and I both thought, "okay, maybe he is lying in order to get closer to Claire." NOPE #1. And, since we don't care that we're spoiling this point in an effort to save you from any single solitary thought that you might have about going to give the people involved in this movie your money, since no real crime had been committed, THERE'S ABSO-F*CKIN'-LUTELY NO POINT FOR THIS MOVIE TO CONTINUE PAST THE POINT WHERE THE TWO CHARACTERS HAVE SEX. Actually, we take it back, it's not a spoiler since it's implied in the trailer. A consenting adult who happens to be a teacher can have sex with whoever the hell she wants, even if that person happens to be 19, which is a full-fledged adult!!! And no, jerks of IMDb's message board section, this is not being a pedophile or a child rapist. In fact, we have a name for that in this society of ours, it's called BEING A COUGAR.

Now, regardless of how you feel about cougars, Claire did NOTHING wrong in this movie, apart from being absolutely, exceptionally stupid. Sure, she is a teacher, and as a teacher, one should probably make it a point not to sleep with their students, but it is further explained in the movie that, since his parents were in an accident, Noah lost time in school and had to finish senior year where Claire teaches. Believable enough. Or? Wait??? So, you mean to tell us that HE WASN'T EVEN HER STUDENT WHEN THEY HAD SEX???? So there was LITERALLY NO PROBLEM AT ALL??????!!!!!!! What about her husband?!? OH WAIT, Claire is also going through a divorce from her unfaithful husband Garrett, played uselessly by John Corbett, so really, the only thing she has to lose is the respect of her son. Why the hell was this movie even made if there is no point to the conflict in the first place?!?!??! After realizing that she's made a huge mistake (points if you get the reference), Claire tells Noah she cannot continue the "relationship" and that she was vulnerable even though she cleeeeearly peeped at his butt from the window on more than one occasion. Pissed, Noah sends an email from Claire's account to the principal of her school saying that she okay'ed him to be in her class. Uhhhh, no?? Not only did she have to say she didn't write the email IN THE FIRST PLACE, but she could have EASILY said, "Look, I had a relationship with this person, WHO IS AN ADULT, he cannot be in my class because it's a conflict of interest." End of the movie, part 2.

What is not in any way, shape, or form believable is how anyone in this film didn't even think about calling the cops. We kid you not, there were at least 6 times during the course of this rather short movie where we were thinking, "Okay, now someone is going to call the cops." NOPE #2. No one calls the cops. Ever. Not even after adult Noah bashes in some under-aged bully's skull into a locker. Not even after he secretly photographed and videotaped his and Claire's liaison. Not even after showing Claire's dipshit, gullible son Kevin (Ian Nelson) how to shoot a firearm and attempted to turn him against both his mom and his dad. Not even after hearing her best friend Vicky's (played awfully by the annoying in this movie Kristin Chenoweth) anguished cries on the phone knowing full well that Noah was out there looking for both of them. NEVER. NOT ONCE.

All in all, quash any tiny fragment you might have in your mind about seeing this movie. Please. The dialogue is atrocious, the editing is hogwash, the scenario doesn't even need to happen the way it did, and the acting...oh, the acting. Like we mentioned, DO NOT give these people your hard earned money. Not only do they not deserve it, but they don't deserve to work again. Jennifer Lopez, since we know you're reading, PLEASE do yourself and the public at large a great favor and DO. NOT. ACT. ANYMORE. You are beautiful, this is quite true, but we have never seen so many blatant pan-down shots of a clothed ass in a movie. If you want to go full nude, JUST DO IT, GIRL! No one is stopping you and no one will think less of you. And we don't buy the whole "Oh, these super sexy f-me pump shoes are not my style," when it's clear that you wore high heels and wedges the entire freakin' movie!! And Ryan Guzman, go back to mixed martial arts. Please. You DO NOT have a future in acting. You might as well go back to modeling since that is basically what you have accomplished in this movie, only with modeling, we don't have to hear you open your annoying, yappy mouth. The words "hot mess," "train wreck" and "piece of trash" are not harsh enough to describe how atrociously horrendous "The Boy Next Door" truly is. Knowing that this 1/8th-assed excuse for a knock-off of "Fatal Attraction" exists makes us angry about existing in the same world as it does. The best thing about this movie was that it ended.

My Rating: 1/10
BigJ's Rating: 1/10
IMDB's Rating: 4.4/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 13%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

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