Movie Review: "The Transporter" (2002)

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Movie: "The Transporter"
Director: Louis Leterrier & Corey Yuen
Year: 2002
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 32 minutes

Frank Martin (Jason Statham) is a professional driver who transports people and items, most often of an illegal nature. He lives by a clear set of rules meant to keep him and his packages out of trouble., but when one of his packages isn't what he expects, this leads to a conflict with the men who hired him.

This movie is so bad, we can't even bring ourselves to watch the two sequels.

Oh boy, where to begin? Let's just say this up front: "The Transporter" is an awful movie. We're not sure how anyone thinks this is a good film, and furthermore, we're not sure why anyone would defend it at their favorite movie. A fresh-faced Jason Statham plays Frank Martin, who is basically a criminal courier and getaway driver for hire. Despite being one of the best in his business, he performs all of his criminal activities in his own personal vehicle and yet doesn't worry about being caught because he changes the licence plate when on the job. ~*oh okay~* The film establishes his driving ability and strict adherence to his own personal rules through an opening bank robbery and subsequent unrealistic chase scene which enters the realm of too over-the-top quite quickly. A short time later, Frank is hired to transport a package which, when it's revealed what (or should we say who) the package is, we wonder why he was ever hired to do this transport in the first place. Then, we are led to a series of the most contrived set of circumstances, leading him to break his own set rules. He does eventually finish the job but when the man who hired tries to kill him by having him transport a bomb Frank heads back to get revenge.

We've already established this movie is absolutely stupid with a poorly thought out script which makes little to no sense. Defenders of the film will ask us, "what did we expect? It's meant to be a mindless action film." That might offer some slight excuse for the movie, if any, had it been the slightest bit fun or exciting, but it's not. It's plodding and dragging and awful. And we say this knowing fully well that this film essentially catapulted Jason Statham into become one of the biggest action stars of the moment at this present time. We like Jason Statham, but this movie sucks, period. It is so poorly written and we care so little about what's going on, the action winds up feeling boring and uneventful, which is just about the worst thing that could happen in an action flick. There is nothing redeeming about this movie. The acting is terrible (sorry, Statham, at least you've gotten more charismatic through the years), the writing is terrible, the fight sequences scream fake and choreographed, and the action is not entertaining in the slightest as it has all been seen before. By the end of the film's very short run time, it feels like we have been sitting on our asses for 3 hours and are just ready to be done with it. We can't imagine why anyone would want to reboot this trainwreck of a series, but at least this version from 2002 set a very low bar for any new movies to come. It would be hard to imagine the reboot being actually worse than this repetitive, unimaginative, bland, Wonder Bread in movie form of a film.

My Rating: 2.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 2.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.8/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 53%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!
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One year ago, we were watching: "Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai"

Movie Review: "One Crazy Summer" (1986)

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Movie: "One Crazy Summer"
Director: Savage Steve Holland
Year: 1986
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 33 minutes

Hoops McCann (John Cusack) just graduated from high school and is an aspiring artist. The application for his art school requires he write a story about love, but he's finding it difficult without having any love in his life. He decides to spend the summer with his best friend George (Joel Murray) in Nantucket. On their way to the island, they meet a singer named Cassandra (Demi Moore), who is trying to raise money to save her grandfather's house from foreclosure and being sold and turned into a seafood restaurant by the sinister Mr. Beckersted (Mark Metcalf).

"One Crazy Summer" was the second and final collaboration between director Savage Steve Holland and lead star John Cusack. They had previously worked together on the film "Better off Dead." This film, much like their previous one, is a goofball style romantic comedy with wacky characters and fun animated interludes. Cusack plays Hoops McCann, who feels like he has a hopeless love life and is a disappointment to his basketball loving parents, which is something Hoops is terrible at despite his name. What he is good at is drawing, and that is his true passion, but he needs to write a romantic story in order to get accepted into his chosen art school. Hoop's best friend George Calimari, played by Joel Murray, who is probably best known for being Bill Murray's brother, is taking his little sister Squid, played by Kristen Goelz, to Nantucket to spend the summer with their grandparents. George asks Hoops to come along, and despite Hoop's dislike of boats but with nothing else to do over the summer, he agrees to tag along for some potential fun. As soon as they leave, you can tell they are in for a wild time as they run into a singer named Cassandra, played by Demi Moore, who they help escape from a biker gang that's chasing her over some money she took which she claims is actually hers and the gang claim is theirs. What a wild first night in town! Cassandra, who is Hoops would-be love interest, needs the money to save her grandfather's house, which serves as a group home for many senior citizens. This is the main focus of the film. There are a lot of interesting characters like the weird not too bright Stork twins, Egg, played by Bobcat Goldthwait, and Clay, played by Tom Villaird, who look nothing alike despite being twins. They are hilarious weird and a lot of fun to see go from regular weirdo to manic, bizarre men. Clay is regularly bullied by Teddy Beckerstead, played by Matt Mulhern, the douchey, wealthy meat-head jock and son of Aguilla Beckerstead, played by Mark Metcalfe, the man who is trying to buy Cassandra's grandfather's home so he can turn it into a seafood restaurant.

Like most 80's teen comedies, where a wealthy snob is harassing a blue collar hero, it all comes to some kind of sports competition that the white collar villain excels at, but the underdog hero must win against all odds. In this case with "One Crazy Summer," and the sports competition is a boat race here. Like we mentioned, this was the cliché of the 1980's, and similar scenarios can be seen in films like the aforementioned "Better off Dead," "Summer Rental," "Meatballs" both 1&2, and "Revenge of the Nerds," just to name a few. But despite this familiar and overused scenario, it's the wacky stuff surrounding it that makes this movie super fun to watch, even a few decades later. Things like the rent charging grandmother, the sweet looking little girl Squid who will take instant and severe vengeance on anyone who makes fun of her dog, Ack Ack, played by Curtis Armstrong, who is supposed to be a future Marine but gets sad when he finds a lost doll, and the weird uncle who is obsessed with winning a radio contest, it's all hilarious and fits together well to create a zany summer romp and one we enjoy watching quite a bit. It's all these elements that really make this film the off-the-wall summer comedy we remember enjoying as kids.

My Rating: 6.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 7/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.4/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 60%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?
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One year ago, we were watching: "The Great Outdoors"

Weekend Box Office Results: August 28th, 2015 - August 30th, 2015

"Straight Outta Compton" holds the #1 spot over a tepid weekend

*all numerical information provided by boxofficemojo.com

For the third week straight, the N.W.A. biopic "Straight Outta Compton" reigned supreme as the top dog at the domestic box office. This weekend, it added an additional $13,243,530 to its $134 million dollar domestic gross. Just missing the top spot and finishing at #2 was the Christian faith-based film "War Room," which drew in believers to the tune of $11,000,000 for its opening weekend. "Mission: Impossible - Rouge Nation" is still going strong in its fifth week in the top five, coming in at #3 and adding another $8,300,000 to it $170 million dollar total. Also new this weekend and coming in at #4 is the Owen Wilson-led dramatic thriller "No Escape," which opened this past Wednesday. The film took in $8,288,000 over the weekend and earned a five day total of $10,348,860. Closing out the top 5 was the horror sequel "Sinister 2," which added $4,650,000 to its $18.5 million total. There was one new addition, one other widely released film completely absent from top 10 as Zac Efron-led, Max Joseph-directed digital DJ drama "We Are Your Friends," which absolutely tanked, bringing in just $1,800,000 for it's opening weekend and earning the #13 spot. It is also the #4 ranked worst wide release opening from 1982-2015. Ouch.

		This Week	Domestic Gross
1	Straight Outta Compton	$13,243,530	$134,129,705
2	War Room	$11,000,000	$11,000,000
3	Mission: Impossible - Rogue  Nation	$8,300,000	$170,386,530
4	No Escape	$8,288,000	$10,348,860
5	Sinister 2	$4,650,000	$18,511,602
6	The Man from U.N.C.L.E.	$4,410,000	$34,121,626
7	Hitman: Agent 47	$3,850,000	$15,270,731
8	The Gift	$3,134,000	$35,960,433
9	Jurassic World	$3,122,280	$643,090,065
10	Ant-Man	$3,054,000	$169,186,526

**See you at the movies!!**

Movie Review: "Novocaine" (2001)

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Movie: "Novocaine"
Director: David Atkins
Year: 2001
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 35 minutes

Straight-laced dentist Frank Sangster (Steve Martin) believes he has a perfect life with a successful practice and a beautiful fianceé named Jean (Laura Dern). That is, until one day, a patient named Susan Ivey (Helena Bonham Carter) comes into his office and turns his life upside down. Because of one little lie spinning out of control, Frank suddenly becomes a suspected drug dealer and the prime suspect in a murder case.

Steve Martin takes a step outside of his normal and expected lighthearted comedic roles and dives head-first into the realm of dark comedy in the crime thriller "Novocaine." We won't pretend this is his best movie because it's certainly not. This film could also be off-putting to Martin's hardcore fans who are used to seeing him in parts like "The Jerk," "Cheaper By the Dozen," and "Father of the Bride." For us, this is a decent and entertaining film about a straight-laced dentist who falls for the wrong woman despite already being in a relationship. It has many good elements and is sort of a crime thriller and yet slightly noir, too. It also has some comedy, as we mentioned before, all of which are intermingled in a very dark, dramatic manner. There is a nice but flawed story here as it seems there are numerous times throughout the film where Steve Martin's character Frank could have gotten himself out of trouble, but chose the path of greatest resistance. All this trouble is because of a patient named Susan Ivy, played by Helena Bonham Carter, who is a drug addict and is obviously bad news the moment she is shown on screen. Carter tends to play these types of roles very well as she arouses certain desires in Frank and fulfills one of his sexual fantasies, leading him into thinking with the wrong head. Scott Caan plays Susan's asshole brother Duane, because when does Scott Caan not play an asshole? He comes around Frank's dentist office and threatens him in public, and when he winds up dead, Frank becomes the primary suspect. Laura Dern plays Jean, Frank's attractive but mildly fake fianceé, who seems to be the doting lover but is also pretty wicked herself. The film comes down to a mystery: are Frank's meetings with Susan and Duane simply happenstance, or is their some bigger conspiracy? Who's involved and why? It does manage to keeps us engaged and stay relatively entertained, despite some missteps along the way. "Novocaine" can get pretty weird and disjointed, and though not wholly effective, it's worth a watch if you're a huge Steve Martin fan and want to see all of his movies, even the imperfect ones.

My Rating: 6.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 6.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.8/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 38%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?
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One year ago, we were watching: "Begin Again"

Lolo's Lists: Top 10 Favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies!

The day is finally here!!! After weeks of watching a huge selection of Arnold Schwarzenegger's films, we now feel we can safely bring our fine, devoted readers our top 10 favorite Schwarzenegger movies! This was a huge undertaking, and though it took quite a while, we think we got it down. Come and take a looksie!

Do you agree, or disagree?? Let us know in the comments, or on our Instagram (@lololovesfilms) or Facebook (@lololovesfilms)!
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10. "Commando" (1985): Sure it's cheesy, but when listing Arnold Schwarzenegger films, it's hard not to have a little cheese, and we couldn't discount "Commando" in that arena, because when we say cheese, we mean a whole lot of cheese here. Despite its punny wonderment, it has a lot of great one-liners and some fun, over-the-top action as per many of his movies.

9. "Conan the Barbarian" (1982): BigJ grew up with "Conan the Barbarian," so this is one of the few Schwarzenegger movies where we disagree a bit when it comes to the ratings. Though it is Arnold's breakthrough leading role, this fantasy epic still offers a lot of great sword fights and brutal action, as well as James Earl Jones as a villainous magic snake man with a magnificent haircape.

8. "The Last Stand" (2013): A surprising and late addition to the list, "The Last Stand" boasts a wild, entertaining ride in one of Arnold's only newer, post-gubernatorial films to make our list. With a lot of boom-boom action and some cheesy throwback puns, this movie provides a helluva satisfying time.

7. "The Running Man" (1987): More of a cultish sci-fi film, "The Running Man" puts Schwarzenegger in a dystopic future where criminals are forced onto a game show and are hunted on live television for the entertainment of the viewing audience, all in the effort to get ratings. Poignant, yet mildly outrageous, the action here is good and will keep you engaged.

6. "Kindergarten Cop" (1990): Definitely Arnold's most notable and successful comedy. What could go wrong when you place a 6'2" and muscle bound, hard-nosed cop in charge of a room full of 5 and 6 year olds? Just remember, "it's not a tumor!" We laugh at this movie every single time we watch it, and probably more than we should.

5. "Total Recall" (1990): This sci-fi action thriller has Arnold traveling to Mars to battle the evil Cohagen, who controls the planet's oxygen supply. Not everything is as it seems, though we are always left wondering if what happens in the movie is real, or just an implanted fantasy. Lots of good sets and makeup work here, too!

4. "True Lies" (1994): One of Arnold Schwarzenegger's best, "True Lies" pairs him with Jamie Lee Curtis and director James Cameron for a third time in this action film. Arnold, who seems like your every day husband and father, unbeknownst to his family, is actually a secret agent and super spy. When he uses his connections to bring some life back into his marriage, he accidentally gets his wife entangled in an international terrorist plot in this hilarious and punny romp.

3. "Predator" (1987): "Get to the choppa!!!!!" Come on, what's not to love about Arnold battling one of the most kick ass alien villains ever put on the big screen?! The makeup work done here is amazing, the story and lore of the Predator is intense and interesting, and really, everything about this movie rocks.

2. "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" (1991): Wait what?... How is this not number 1? Because of a very, very difficult decision, folks. We had a tough time deciding between the first and second installments of the Terminator franchise as far as which movie we liked better. Arnold's role as the comeback Terminator in "Terminator 2: Judgment Day" is just as good as his performance in the first, but with an altered character allegiance. The visuals and technical achievements are amped up here compared to T1, but the acting and story are just as good, but as much as we love "Terminator 2," it could not exist without...

1. "The Terminator" (1984): Really, could the #1 spot belong to anything else but Arnold's first role as The Terminator? We had to ultimately choose the original, the one that started it all, "The Terminator," as our pick for his best movie. Arnold is fantastic as the stone cold robo-killer and this has since become his most iconic performance. This is our favorite Arnold film, and though the special effects aren't on par with its first sequel (since now, we need to clarify with 2 other mediocre sequels and a reboot thing), we prefer Arnold as the imposing villain and the transformation of Sarah Connor from a sweet waitress to the badass she would become. We also like Michael Biehn as Reese, who looks like he grew up in the apocalypse and is the ultimate underdog against a seemingly unstoppable killing machine. You must and need to see this film before you die.

Movie Review: "The Happening" (2008)

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Movie: "The Happening"
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Year: 2008
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 31 minutes

A strange phenomenon starts happening in cities on the east coast, causing people to inexplicably kill themselves. Meanwhile, a high school science teacher named Elliot (Mark Wahlberg) and his wife Alma (Zooey Deschanel), attempt to flee the city with his friend Julian (John Leguizamo) and Julian's young daughter Jess (Ashlyn Sanchez) and look for safety, but the event is spreading faster than they can run. 

Still ain't as bad as 2015's "Fantastic Four."

"The Happening" is a clear sign that the once acclaimed director M. Night Shyamalan's talent for directing had been steadily declining over the years. This film marks one of the worst in his downward spiral, there's no denying this fact, proving that poor reception of his previous film "The Lady in the Water" was no fluke. Said downward trajectory has haunted him and has continued to this day. One of his lowest rated movies, "The Happening" is also Shyamalan's first and only foray into the R-rated realm, hoping a little gore and unknown terror would bring audiences to see his "horror" film.

Initially, the film shows promise with some pretty cool and gruesome looking death scenes where people inexplicably kill themselves in multiple different ways at the drop of a hat. Within the first 4 minutes of the movie, as soon as Mark Wahlberg is shown on scree, it's the terrible dialogue and horribly bad acting that really gets in the way of every single other scene. Since this film's release, Shyamalan has claimed the dry, emotionless, wooden delivery of his ridiculous, out of place and often times rambling dialogue was all intentional in the hopes to duplicate the feel of a low budget B-movie. What Shyamalan failed to realize is it's very difficult to intentionally duplicate what others accidentally do when it comes to B-movie status. When other directors make these low budget B-movies, they naturally come off with a certain feel because of budget restraints. Actors in those types of films usually didn't intentionally give lousy performances, they just weren't high caliber actors. When normally A-list actors, like two-time Academy Award nominee Mark Wahlberg, put in poor performances, it comes off looking like they were just phoning it in and didn't remotely care about the project. When we can describe Zooey Deschanel down to the hairs on her freckles because there are so many close, tight shots of her face, it comes off more like Shyamalan had never picked up a camera in his life and simply forgot to take it off auto-zoom. Even if the movie had better dialogue with passionate delivery, let's face it, the entire concept is pretty idiotic anyway. The twist of what has been causing all of the mass suicides is laughable at best. On top of this, for a movie around 90 minutes, the pacing isn't very good and it feels like it drags on and on at times.

All this being said, though a poor excuse for a horror film, it's bad, but it isn't the worst we've ever seen, and not even the worst by Shyamalan, who had far bigger cinematic atrocities to commit later in following films. This was not the nail in his directorial coffin, but it sure as hell came close to being the case.

My Rating: 4.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 4.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.1/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 14%
Do we recommend this movie: Meh.
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One year ago, we were watching: "Transformers: Age of Extinction"

Movie Review #300: "The Man From U.N.C.L.E." (2015)

Movie: "The Man From U.N.C.L.E."
Ticket Price: $12.50
Director: Guy Ritchie
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 56 minutes

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During the height of the cold war American CIA agent Napoleon Solo (Henry Cavill) is paired with Russian KGB agent Illya Kuryakin (Armie Hammer) for a special mission. They must use an East German mechanic named Gaby Teller (Alicia Vikander) for and undercover mission in Italy to flush out her missing nuclear scientists father who they believe is building a nuclear weapon for a Nazi terrorist group. 

"The Man from U.N.C.L.E." is a film adaptation of the classic TV series with the same name. Guy Ritchie brings his signature style to the spy genre in this big screen adaptation. Henry Cavill plays Napoleon Solo, a former criminal turned CIA agent. Despite his criminal past, Solo has risen to be one of the top spies working for the CIA. Illyan Kuryakin, played by Armie Hammer, is his Russian counterpart and a man with a bit of his own troubled past. Gaby Tiller, played by Alicia Vikander, is an auto mechanic living in East Germany. Her estranged biological father is a nuclear scientist who both countries believe to be working with a Nazi terrorist group trying to develop their own atomic bomb. They are all thrust together in an reluctant group where they are forced to work together to bring down these Nazi terrorists. There's a lot going on, but isn't this description alone enough to excite even the most dull person!?

This film is a throwback to the old spy films and TV shows with tons of bright visual displays of color, timely outfits, sideswipes and retro cuts in the camera work, vintage language, excellent old school music, and hefty dose of style. It really captures the look and feel of the 60's with the appropriate cars, countries, and overall atmosphere. We never watched "The Man from U.N.C.L.E." TV show, so we can't say how faithful or unfaithful it is to its source material, though in the end, it doesn't really matter and doesn't necessarily have to be faithful since it's Ritchie's interpretation of the show. However accurate or inaccurate it might be, we thoroughly enjoyed it all the same. This is a fun movie and captures the spirit of the classic spy genre with a little tongue-in-cheek feel without ever making fun of it. We really like the characters and actors in this film, which is surprising since we have not always been the biggest fans of some of the people in this film. Henry Cavill is extremely great as Napoleon Solo and puts on a pretty good American accent with a bit of a high-class secret agent twang in his voice. He walks a fine line between suave, stiff, and sexy. Armie Hammer, who has had a nice bounce back after his failure in "The Lone Ranger," does a decent enough stereotypical Russian spy accent and puts on a solid performance. He and Cavill have wonderfully fun and funny between one another as they are forced to work together as comrades, but not exactly as friends. Alicia Vikander is quickly making a name for herself as this is only the second (that we've seen) of many projects she has coming out this year, "Ex Machina" being the first. She is a solid actress and has been quite good as Gaby Teller, a woman with lots of secrets, in this film. There is a lot of good action throughout "The Man from U.N.C.L.E," and it has a decent enough story that is able to pull you in as an audience. In many ways, it is an origin story, and has definite potential in and for the future since it is left open for a sequel, which is something we immediately expressed an interest in as the credits were rolling. Guy Ritchie was able to successfully transfer his stunning and unique visual style into this film, and while it might not be as slick as "Snatch" or "Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels" in the way of story, content, or flashiness, it's still a good time and he hasn't seem to have lost his touch. If you are looking for one last action flick to see over Memorial Day weekend, this one would be your best bet. 

My Rating: 8/10
BigJ's Rating: 7.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 7.6/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 67%
Do we recommend this movie: Yes!

Movie Review: "After Earth" (2013)

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Movie: "After Earth"
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Year: 2013
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 40 minutes

Welcome a post about the worst movie we have seen in a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong time.

Josh and I made it a point at one time in our lives to only see "big" movies in the theater, such as actions, musicals, big theatrical movies, you know? Stuff that's better on the big screen. If it weren't for our sick curiosity, we wouldn't have seen "After Earth" in the theater. We also probably wouldn't have seen it on DVD, either.

See, friends, we don't like Jaden Smith. "The Karate Kid" remake was nothing special. He seems to be an arrogant little twerp who is leeching off his dad's fame. If his dad wasn't Will Smith, I don't think he'd get half the recognition he gets. We don't particularly like Will Smith either. He's okay, but I think he's try-hard, and Oscar baity, and plus, he's "in the know" with Tom Cruise...you know what I mean. Now, while we love the movie "Signs," which some people think is awful, you can't diminish the good work M. Night Shyamalan did with "The Sixth Sense." It's a freaking classic. But, he's just not good anymore. He's got nothing left except twist endings and failed franchises. In fact, I wouldn't have even thought twice about him being the director of this movie if wehadn't gone on IMDB firsthand to see for ourselves. It seems like everyone involved with the film tried to hide the fact that Shyamalan was the director of this movie for fear that it would be terrible.
WELL FOLKS, IT DIDN'T NEED ANY HELP HIDING ITS AWFULNESS BECAUSE IT'S JUST AWFUL.

We also saw it from his perspective: "if M. Night Shyamalan, director of such flops as "The Village," "The Happening," and "The Last Airbender" didn't want to get his stink all over this poo-storm, HOW BAD CAN IT BE????"

BAD.

First of all, let's do a short synopsis. Humans are forced to leave Earth after it becomes uninhabitable due to their own negligence. They settle in a place they call Nova Prime, HOLD UP! This planet is no ordinary planet: it has alien monster things called URSA(s) that smell and sense fear. Otherwise, it's fine! The Rangers are trained to become fearless and suppress their fear in order to become invisible to the URSA. IT'S CALLED GHOSTING, PEOPLE, AND IT'S SERIOUS BUSINESS. Not a bad concept, but we'll get to that later.

Kitai Raige (Jaden Smith) fails his Ranger training because he is unable to control his fear. His father, Cypher Raige (Will Smith, OMG HIS RILL LIFE DAD!!!11) is a stone-cold, fear-suppressing commander type person who is sorta kinda disappointed his son didn't pass his training but will only yell at him to get his point across. Cypher is pretty much forced by his wife to drag Kitai along on his last routine mission before retirement. URSA in tow, their ship crashes on Earth, killing everyone aboard except for the father-son duo. ZOMG, BONDING TIME! Nope, Cypher has two broken legs and a damaged signaling device to let their home planet know they crashed. Cypher explains to Kitai that he must wander through the "perilous" regions of Earth, a class-one quarantined planet on which everything has evolved to kill humans (WUT??) to find the tail-end of the plane with the second signaling device. Here lies the problem: despite this warning, it would seem most of Earth's animals and beings are a minor nuisance and not much different than TODAY'S animals, given that you were stuck in the jungle all alone with only a double-sided sword. THE MOST DANGEROUS THING IN THIS MOVIE IS THE THING THEY BROUGHT WITH THEM ON THEIR SHIP AND LIVE WITH ON A DAY-TO-DAY BASIS. 

Three-fifths of the way through the movie, we find out that Kitai's super awesome, wonderful suit HAS A FREAKIN' FLYING SQUIRREL APPARATUS WHICH WOULD CUT DOWN HIS TIME TO REACH THE TAIL-END OF THE SHIP BY HALF. He didn't think he should just USE THE FLYING SQUIRREL APPARATUS THE ENTIRE TIME WHEN HALF OF HIS BREATHING FLUID WAS DESTROYED?????

Back to the concept of this movie: it could have been good, but the story, the acting, the directing, the CGI (WHY CGI THINGS WE'VE SEEN BEFORE??)...everything! Everything was bad! Will Smith's seriousface just comes off as unintentionally comical, but not in a HA-HA! type of way. Jaden Smith yells the entire movie because he's mad that his ~*dad was never there for him and his sister.~* Despite the two being ACTUAL father and son in real life, they have virtually no on-screen chemistry, which we thought was impossible.

We are both sci-fi fans. We are both fantasy fans. What this movie advertised was a sci-fi-action-epic where Will Smith and his son have to battle against hyper-evolved Earth-monsters after a crash-landing. What it delivered was a boring coming-of-age story with birds and baboons and big cats and jungleness and a kid who, despite being an almost Ranger on his own planet had NO IDEA how to use a double-sided sword and could barely fend for himself. Do the Rangers only teach people about running???

With all of this being said, the most egregious and distracting thing in this movie were the accents. WHY MAKE THEM HAVE ACCENTS AT ALL? Just because they live on a different planet DOESN'T MEAN they have to have a half Jamaican, half "Downton Abbey" British accent. SO DISTRACTING.

We are washing our hands of "After Earth" after this post. We are enraged just writing about it, and so we will never speak of it again.

My Rating: 2.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 3/10
IMDB's Rating: 4.9/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 11%
Do we recommend this movie: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000x NO.
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One year ago, we were watching: "Animal House"

Movie Review #299: "Hitman: Agent 47" (2015)

Movie: "Hitman: Agent 47"
Director: Aleksander Bach
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 36 minutes

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Agent 47 (Rupert Friend) is a genetically engineered human designed specifically to suppress all emotion and be the perfect killing machine. The scientist who developed the Agent program named Litvenko (Ciarán Hinds) shut it down and went into hiding. A corporation known as Syndicate hopes to resume the Agent program, but they must find the missing scientists to do this. The key to his location lies in the mind of a young woman named Katia (Hannah Ware), who has been searching for Litvenko for reasons unknown to her. Agent 47 must locate Katia before the Syndicate does and prevent them from finding Litvenko and reinstating the Agent program. 

I gotta tell ya, we're gettin' pretty tired of crappy video game movie adaptations.

BigJ and I don't often disagree much, but when it comes to "Hitman: Agent 47," the second attempt at adapting the Hitman video game into a motion picture, we disagree quite a bit. The first go around was simply titled "Hitman" and starred Timothy Olyphant in the titular roll. In this reboot of the series, Rupert Friend, best know for his role as Quinn on the TV series "Homeland," fills the role of Agent 47. This part was actually originally intended for Paul Walker, who tragically died in a car accident a couple years ago. Agent 47 is supposed to be a cold, emotionless and stoic character, and Rupert Friend seems to capture that aspect well, though his accent slips a lot throughout the film. This we both agree on completely. What I disliked a lot about this movie was its story. BigJ thinks filmmakers attempted to build some kind of a coherent story for the characters, something that was lacking from the previous go around, but unfortunately, the story presented in this reboot is ridiculously contrived. I think the story in this film muddles everything about it. While we don't know how much of the story is adapted straight from the video game, it doesn't really matter at the end of the day because we simply need to be entertained by what we're watching, and this film was a bore and a half to see unfold. From a mediocre beginning then comes an endless supply of ridiculous twists and turns and bad underacting and/or bad overacting.

Where this version fails the most has a lot to do with its action elements. There are some decent scenes in the film, but they are few and far between. Director Aleksander Bach relies far too much on CGI in trying to achieve what he wants to appear on screen. This overuse of unnecessary CGI makes much of the action look fake as bodies and cars fall in very unnatural ways and blood squibbs are spotted as phony from a mile away. Even the CGI fire, which is commonly used successfully in other movies, seems to be sloppily executed, CGI 101, fake as hell fire. It feels like Bach is trying to make something more reminiscent to a "Fast and Furious" movie than a "Hitman" movie with lots of car chases, over-the-top shootouts, and unnecessary explosions. And while we're on the subject of cars, the Audi is almost always used here in what can only be described as a product placement, showcasing their smooth drifting abilities, sleek paint jobs, enhanced headlights, and all-around versatility....wait, do we want an Audi?!!?!?!? Another big problem is the acting. Rupert Friend does just fine, and since he's supposed to be stiff-like, it works, but we also don't find Hannah Ware, who plays Katia, to be very believable in the part of a genetically advanced human. Not only is she not built for such a role, but remember what we were saying about overacting or underacting? This applies exactly to her. She's either emoting herself too much, or acting stiff like her Hitman counterpart. It's hard to take her seriously when there are so many unexplained coincidences about her character. Just because she's a genetically modified human doesn't necessarily mean she'd be psychic or be able to see the future, and just because she's a genetically modified human doesn't necessarily mean she'd be able to pick one city off of a map and know it was where her father was living. Seriously, at one point, she puts up her gigantic map of clues as to where her father might be located and starts picking places he wouldn't be off one by one and automatically assumed he's in Singapore? You mean to tell us there's no other city in the world with a warm climate and orchids??!! Come ON!!!! It's just so ridiculous and phony! Zachary Quinto, who plays John Smith, does the same thing later in the film. Katia had tons of notes and clues on her map, literally hundreds of places tracked and notes and photos and news stories of where he father had been in his life, and yet, without an enhanced brain, John Smith walks into her hotel room and just deduces, automatically, that she and Agent 47 have gone to Singapore because of a folded in half pink post-it note with squiggly lines on it?! UGHHHHHH. Plus, Ware is in the movie almost as much if not more than Friend, so shouldn't it be called "Hitman: Agent Other Lady" at that point? Anyway, back to John Smith, the top henchman for the Syndicate Corporation and primary physical rival for Agent 47. Smith is genetically modified much like 47, but his main flaw is his ego in that he wants to prove he is the better killer between the two of them. This leads to a battle of who has the bigger dick size as 47 and John Smith fight a couple of times in an underwhelming fashion with the ultimate goal being the top dog, the best macho male.

When push comes to shove, if the makers of this movie went into it hoping to make a good or even halfway decent film, they failed miserable, in my opinion. BigJ thinks this movie is simply there, existing, but nothing special, whereas I did not like this film at all, and in fact, I prefer the original with Timothy Olyphant, which had more believable, gritty action and an attempt at something better than what was served up here. Things might have been more successful than the flop of a film we were given if only everyone involved had not gone into this project to simply preserve its rights for 20th Century Fox. A $35 million budget was just wasted and no one seems to have batted an eye, but after "Fantastic Four" and its miserable, barely in the top 10 for 3 weeks run, it seems obvious they really can't afford to lose any more money simply in the name of retaining the rights to a franchise. In the end, "Hitman: Agent 47" is boring and completely forgettable, nothing you want to pay to see on screen, and none of story elements pull you in enough to make it memorable in the slightest. It's unfortunate for the filmmakers since they put an open ending tacked on 30 seconds into the credit roll with the clear intention of making a sequel. If you follow box office numbers at all, this doesn't seem extremely likely. 

My Rating: 3.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 5/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.9/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 9%
Do we recommend this movie: No.

Movie Review: "The 6th Day" (2000)

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Movie: "The 6th Day"
Director: Roger Spottiswoode
Year: 2000
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 2 hour, 3 minutes

Adam Gibson (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a charter pilot. He has been hired to fly Michael Drucker (Tony Goldwyn), the billionaire owner of a genetics company, to the top of a ski summit. Because it is his birthday and he has some errands to run, Adam passes the job to his buddy Hank (Michael Rapaport), but the flight is attacked by some radical activists and everyone is killed. Upon finishing his errands, Adam arrives home to find he is already there celebrating his birthday. He suddenly realizes he has been cloned, which is common practice on animals, but is illegal to perform on humans. Now, the private security of the company responsible is there to kill Adam and make sure their illegal activities aren't discovered. 

The "The 6th Day" is one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's more forgotten films. The title of the film is, of course, a reference to the bible and the passage in Genesis that states, "on the 6th day, God created man," which is also the tagline for the movie as well. When this film first came out, we were just a couple of years removed from Dolly the cloned sheep, and scientists had just mapped the human genome. As expected, the subject of eventual human cloning brought many controversies and divisive opinions, putting the issue front and center and fresh in the minds of the masses, in addition to the moral implications of such a practice. Despite the opening scene being an XFL football game, this movie is supposed to take place in the future, which is ironic in and of itself. It can only be excused as a poor product placement now, but thinking the almost immediately defunct XFL would be around long enough to see holograms, pet cloning, and self-driving cars as part of every day life is quite comical and it does date the film significantly. In this future, human cloning is illegal under an ordinance called "The 6th Day Law," but cloning pets, plants, and internal organs is fine and a common practice, even to the point of commercialization. Radical groups of religious fundamentalists are constantly protesting all cloning activities and they even use violence and commit murder in the name of God and their cause. It is one of these acts of violence that causes Arnold Schwarzenegger's character Adam Gibson to be cloned by mistake. Now, the company that did the cloning has to kill one of the Adams to make sure no one discovers their illegal activities.

Though this premise is different from any other Schwarzenegger romp, after the initial stage is set, it becomes the standard Arnold action flick relatively quickly with a cloning twist. He kills those pursuing him, only to have their clone pop up later to resume the hunt in a never-ending fashion. Schwarzenegger seems to have lost a bit of his 'magic touch' by the year 2000, sporting a smaller frame and an obvious dye job in an effort to recapture his youth and success as a staple of the action genre. There are a couple of cheesy lines here, but nothing like the amount in his past films. The main villain in this film is Michael Drucker, played by dreamboat Tony Goldwyn. Drucker owns the company that is doing the illegal cloning, though he is not a purely evil character. Many of his efforts are noble as he helps those with terminal diseases conquer death, but he has to do illegal and sometimes immoral things in the pursuit of the advancement of science. The overall subject matter and philosophical questions at the crux of the story are a little complex for a light action film. The filmmakers try to make the morality much more black and white, but it just seems like grappling with the implications of cloning, human or otherwise, was probably not suited for Schwarzenegger. Now, this isn't a terrible movie by any means, but it does feel like it is missing quite a big something. The action scenes seem to lack tension or excitement and don't really grip the way they should and have in several of his other films. The special effects and make-up are pretty good for a film from this era, especially considering early 2000's CGI didn't always look the best, even at the time. This film is modestly entertaining, but lacks a certain element that could make it truly memorable, especially with such a gripping topic.

My Rating: 5/10
BigJ's Rating: 5/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.9/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 41%
Do we recommend this movie: Meh.
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One year ago, we were watching: "Tammy"

Movie Review: "Last Action Hero" (1993)

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Movie: "Last Action Hero"
Director: John McTiernan
Year: 1990
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 2 hours, 10 minutes

Danny Madigan (Austin O'Brien) is a big fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Jack Slater films. He often spends his afternoons in an old movie theater run by his friend Nick (Robert Porsky) watching the Jack Slater films over and over. Nick has a surprise for Danny. As it turns out, he will be screening Arnold's new movie "Jack Slater IV" at midnight before anyone else and he will allow Danny to see it. When Danny shows up to watch the movie, Nick gives him a magic golden ticket that he received from Houdini himself. As the action rages on on screen, the ticket activates and Danny is sucked into the movie, becoming part of film and becoming sidekick to Jack Slater himself. 

"Last Action Hero" has the distinction of being one of Arnold's first real box office bombs, and at the time it came out, we can probably see why. Of its $85 million dollar budget, which doesn't include the money spent to advertise this movie in space, yes you read that right, to advertise it in space, it only made $50 million back at the domestic box office. It had the unfortunate honor of opening the weekend after the box office juggernaut "Jurassic Park." This, combined with a slew of relatively bad reviews by critics and test audiences, left this film on life support. Despite all of these factors, this film isn't horrible. Honestly, in 2015, we have seen a lot more worse action comedies than this, and in fact, I'd even go as far as saying I really, really liked it!

This movie is self-aware action comedy parody where Arnold pokes fun at the genre which made him a box office king. The vast majority of the film takes place in the fantasy world of the in-movie film "Jack Slater IV." There, everything is as cliché as can be: the action is ridiculously over-the-top, and the one-liners and knee-slapping jokes are plentiful. In Jack Slater world, everything is how you'd expect it to be in an action movie: women are insanely beautiful, every phone number starts with 555, cars explode with little prompting, and the good guy always wins. There are also a host of cameos from other Arnold Schwarzenegger films and walks of life such as Robert Patrick as the T-1000 from "Terminator 2: Judgment Day," Danny DeVito as the voice of a cartoon cat named Whiskers, and MC Hammer, Maria Shriver, Damon Wayans, Chevy Chase and Jean-Claude Van Damme as, well, their real-life counterparts. They are usually there to run into Schwarzenegger or say some sort of off-the-cuff remark to him in fantasy Jack Slater movieland. Of course, some of these jokes do get quite stupid from time to time, but mostly, the stupid jokes aren't what bothered us about the film. It's really Austin O'Brien, who plays main character Danny Madigan, who bugs us for some reason. Being from the real world, Danny has a smug, know-it-all attitude, and the way Austin O'Brien portrays this attitude comes off as really annoying. Eventually, the villainous Benedict, played by the wonderfully sinister Charles Dance, gets a hold of Danny's magic ticket and winds up transporting to the real world. Of course, Jack and Danny go after him, and Jack quickly learns stuff from the movies doesn't always work the same in the real world, you know, gunshots don't explode cars, jokes aren't always well received, and he is far from invincible. It's here where the lighthearted nature of the film goes out the window a bit, which slows the movie down considerably. The movie stops being a parody of cookie-cutter action films and ventures more into a cynical satire on how terrible the real world actually is. For BigJ, this part is his least favorite and as we mentioned, it runs a little long. There could have been a good 20 minutes cut from its run time, which would have helped with the flow of the film overall since it tends to drag in some places. Overall, it's not Arnold's best film, but it's certainly not his worst, and if you like puns, well, buckle up, because there's enough of 'em to go around and it'll have you repeating them until the cows come home.

My Rating: 6.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 5.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 37%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?
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One year ago, we were watching: "Happy Accidents"

Weekend Box Office Results: August 21st, 2015 - August 23rd, 2015

"Straight Outta Compton" retains the top spot in a weak week with 3 new releases

As the end of the summer blockbuster season begins to wind down, it's "Straight Outta Compton" that maintained the #1 spot this weekend, fending off all three of the new releases this late summer. The N.W.A. biopic pulled in another $26,756,125 in its second week out, bringing its domestic total to over $111 million. "Mission: Impossible - Rouge Nation"  held onto the #2 spot, adding another $11,700,000 to its $157 million dollar total. The horror sequel "Sinister 2" is the first of the new releases to appear in the top 5, finishing in third place by earning $10,633,000 its opening weekend. The video game based action reboot "Hitman: Agent 47" opened at the #4 spot with $8,200,000. The Guy Ritchie directed spy themed TV adaptation "The Man from U.N.C.L.E." edged out the newly released stoner spy comedy "American Ultra" for the #5 spot, earning another $7,420,000 in its second week. "Fantastic Four," or "Fant4stic," closes out the top 10 in a hilarious and disappointing 3-week top 10 run and is almost guaranteed to be shoved out of the the top 10 by this time next weekend.

		This Week	Domestic Gross
1	Straight Outta Compton	$26,756,125	$111,479,595
2	Mission: Impossible - Rogue  Nation	$11,700,000	$157,763,039
3	Sinister 2	$10,633,000	$10,633,000
4	Hitman: Agent 47	$8,200,000	$8,200,000
5	The Man from U.N.C.L.E.	$7,420,000	$26,636,840
6	American Ultra	$5,500,000	$5,500,000
7	The Gift	$4,300,000	$31,053,163
8	Ant-Man	$4,088,000	$164,524,370
9	Minions	$3,706,290	$319,961,615
10	Fantastic Four	$3,650,000	$49,625,362

**See you at the movies!!**

Movie Review: "Point Break" (1991)

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Movie: "Point Break"
Director: Kathryn Bigelow
Year: 1991
Rating: R
Running Time: 2 hours, 2 minutes

A rookie FBI agent named Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) goes undercover as a surfer to try and find the identity of some serial bank robbers known as the ex-presidents who he and his partner believe frequent the beach scene.

Long before winning the Academy Award for directing "The Hurt Locker," Kathryn Bigelow was honing her skills with "Point Break." Starring Keanu Reeves as Johnny Utah, and no, that is not a joke, the main character's name is really Johnny Utah, he's young hot shot FBI rookie and former NCAA D-1 quarterback. Utah is hyped to get out into the field and catch his first perp. He is partnered with an older FBI veteran with a bit of an attitude named Pappas, played by Gary Busey pre-insanity. Wait, Gary Busey and Keanu Reeves in the same movie? Are we dreaming!?! HELL YES!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!! Working in Los Angeles every summer year after year, a group of bank robbers known as the ex-presidents rob multiple banks in the city and have never been caught. Based on some flimsy evidence and a hunch, Pappas believes these bank robbers are be surfers, you know, because no one else gets tanned unless they are surfers. Now, Johnny Utah has to go undercover as a surfer to try and get close to and discover the bank robbers. Utah is eventually taken under the wing of surfer named Bohdi, played Patrick Swayze, who is a live in the moment and very spiritual in a Buddhist sort of way. It seems like he's also hiding something, and the closer Utah gets to Bohdi, the closer he comes to discovering the truth.

Okay, now we will admit, Keanu Reeves' acting is terrible in this movie...well, actually, in most of his movies. He sounds like he is still playing Ted from "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure," laid back and a little dim, though he's not supposed to be dim since he's a friggin' FBI agent. Reeves even studied real life FBI agents for research on this role, though you would never know it because he makes a billion derpy faces and says some pretty extraordinarily and intentionally hilarious lines. On the flip side, we have to admit we find his method a little endearing, and we have both really come to enjoy Reeves as an actor, unironically. Meanwhile, Gary Busey is a goldmine, constantly spouting off some of the most amazing, off the wall bonkers lines that are hilariously wonderful, some of which now live in the "insult hall of fame." There is also the stereotypical ball busting boss who thinks they are incompetent screw-ups, even though their hunch might just prove to be right. Despite all the stereotypes and bad acting from Reeves, this actually quite an amazing movie to watch as it is immensely entertaining. The shots of the summer surf, the cheesy dialogue, the action, the planning, the botched and horrible undercover work, it all comes together to create a summer movie masterpiece of sorts. Plus, it is the inspiration for "The Fast and the Furious" franchise, which lifted most its plot points directly from this film. We can't help but enjoy this movie as we feel the excitement and laugh at the sometimes intentional, sometimes unintentional funny dialogue. The overall story is still pretty decent, even though Johnny Utah is literally the worst, most terrible undercover agent in the world and does many things that could have blown his cover. It's a solid film with a sometimes thrilling and dazzling visual spectacle as our character skydive, surf massive waves, and get into huge fights. Just because it's a couple decades old DOES NOT mean it needs a sequel/reboot/hybrid/remake, and yet, coming this Christmas, we are getting one anyway. Patrick Swayze is rolling over in his grave, and Keanu Reeves should be pissed as hell anyone would dare compare him to the idiotic, even more derpy actor that is Luke Bracey.

My Rating: 7.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 7.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 7.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 68%
Do we recommend this movie: Yes!
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One year ago, we were watching: "Summer Rental"

Movie Review #298: "American Ultra" (2015)

Movie: "American Ultra"
Ticket Price: $12.50
Director: Nima Nourizadeh
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 35 minutes

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A lazy stoner named Mike Howell (Jesse Eisenberg) has his life turned upside down when he discovers he is actually a CIA agent programmed to kill and has been targeted for elimination.  

"American Ultra" combines concepts from films like the "The Manchurian Candidate," "The Bourne Identity," and "Half Baked" to create a decent enough action-based stoner comedy. Mike Howell, played by Jesse Eisenberg, is the stereotypical stoner who live with his girlfriend Phoebe, played by Kristin Stewart. They are "the perfect fucked-up couple" and we know from the beginning that Mike isn't what he seems. The story opens with him in custody and is told through a flashback. Mike thinks he is just an average guy who lives in a small town, really likes weed, and is sort of a screw-up as he suffers from anxiety, especially whenever he and his girlfriend try to travel anywhere. This puts a damper on their relationship, but it is obvious that Phoebe and Mike love and care for one another despite their screw-ups. Adrien Yates, played by Topher Grace, is a young CIA commander trying to make his mark and has targeted Mike for elimination because of Mike's attempts to travel. This doesn't sit well Victoria Lasseter, played by Connie Britton, who was in charge of Mike's program. In order to save him, Lasseter goes rogue and activates Mike by visiting the mini mart where he works and speaks a secret phrase which he doesn't understand at first. Suddenly, whenever Mike is attacked or threatened, his CIA combat training kicks in and he becomes an uber-killing machine with whatever "weapon" is around, be it a shovel, a frying pan, a cup of noodles, or even a spoon.

This is a pretty fun movie overall, but it is by no means perfect. We feel like we have seen this movie before, but it is different this time around because of its cast. Usually in big, over-the-top action movies, the principle actors are yolked up hulks, and in stoner movies, it's the skinny, unclean, hardly coherent mid-20's type. Jesse Eisenberg neither of those things. He plays the same type of character he usually plays before he is activated into a merciless robo-killer, you know, the squirrely guy who kind of unsure of himself but seems to be a semi-intellectual character. Once activated, Eisenberg's normal traits remain the same, but he is turned into this super agent who can kill people without recourse at the drop of a hat with a spoon, we might add. Even though he is a super agent, he maintains the confused stoner quality we expected, just in an Eisenberg type of way. Kristen Stewart is the yin to Mike's yang as Phoebe, but even she has secrets she doesn't him to discover. A stoner herself, she seems to be the one who grounds Mike whenever his anxiety sets in. Having worked together in the past, Stewart and Eisenberg as love interests seem to have good chemistry opposite each other, and we believe them as the aforementioned fucked up couple who likes to get stoned and chill out in their boring, small town. Apart from these two, John Legiuzamo is in this film for a short time and brings some of its funniest moments; he has some excellent and hilarious exchanges with Eisenberg. Tony Hale plays a small, hardly worthwhile role. Connie Britton has a bit of a more substantial part and she does just fine where she's needed. Apparently Topher Grace hasn't gotten the hint about how lousy he is at his job, and he serves at this movie's "bad guy," so to speak. The violence in this film is extremely graphic at times and has definitely earned this film its hard R rating. The humor here is sometimes witty and other times dark and slapstick, and though it won't be considered the best comedy of this year, it's entertaining enough and the action is fun despite its random twists and turns and goings on. 

My Rating: 6.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 6.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.5/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 47%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?