Sunday, September 27, 2015

Movie Review: "Sasquatch" (2003)

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Director: Jonas Quastel
Year: 2003
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 26 minutes

When a plane carrying top secret equipment and the daughter of a billionaire CEO of a bio-tech corporation crashes, he hires a team of experts to go into the wooded mountains to locate the missing equipment and his daughter, but they find a deadly creature instead. 

The best way to describe the directing ability of Jonas Quastel when it comes to his film "Sasquatch," aka "The Untold," is inept. From the constant use of unnecessary fade outs, sometimes within seconds of one another, to a weird slow-motion camera that causes trailing visuals, to one scene that inexplicably spins the camera around to what sounds like bad 1970's porno music, to the way the Sasquatch has some weird x-ray vision, every single solitary thing about this film is just bad. It has terrible pacing and feels outrageously long despite being less than 90 minutes total in length. To go along with all of the dreadful directing is some truly bad writing, also courtesy of Jonas Quastel with an assist from Chris Lanning, who both seriously need to reevaluate their thinking when it comes to being involved in the movie industry. At its core, the story could have had a glimmer of hope to it, but Quastel and Lanning veer off every path they put in front of themselves to make a truly puzzling, repugnant film, if we can call it a film at all.

Despite this being an action adventure horror thriller, there it little to no action, it's not the least bit thrilling, and there is nothing creepy, horrific, or scary about it, not once, not ever. Besides the lack of anything interesting, the entire premise is rather ridiculous. First, the film claims to be based on a true story, but to be called "based on a true story" means admitting Sasquatch is real when frankly, it's really just lore. On top this, the Sasquatch not only has a sense of revenge, but it has a sense of keeping its existence secret, too. We almost feel bad for an actor like Lance Henricksen for being in this, especially considering he was once in James Cameron films such as "Aliens" and "The Terminator," but like the old saying goes, sometimes you gotta take work where you can get it. Well, after seeing this woefully rotten movie, we don't even know if Henricksen should have subscribed to this mindset as he probably could have gotten a more fulfilling experience giving pedicures to people with in-grown toenails, scalping tickets outside of a One Direction concert covered in brace-faced preteens and their snotty mothers, or shoveling dung outside of a horse racing tournament. We wish we could say more, but "Sasquatch" is hardly worth the time it would take to write anything else. Some movies just don't need to be made, and this is absolutely, positively one of them.

My Rating: 1.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 1.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 3.3/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ---%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!
One year ago, we were watching: "Boyhood"

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