Tuesday, January 12, 2016


Hello, movie fans! Welcome to our second annual WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR list, 2015 edition!

We know we are a bit late in getting this list up, but we wanted to make sure there weren't any other stinkers floating around the cinema towards the end of December. All of the movies on this list were seen in the theater, and after much consideration, here are the worst movies of 2015!!
15) "Mortdecai" (3/10): Before his amazing performance in "Black Mass" later in 2015, Johnny Depp made a mockery of himself, adding another film to his poop-pile with "Mortedcai." Rambling, unnecessary, and most importantly, unfunny, Depp is awful as the rich, bumbling detective, and what's worse, he dragged Ewan McGregor down with him. Avoid this trollop.
14) "Blackhat" (3/10): Chris Hemsworth's career outside of the Marvel Universe is basically nil. His later 2015 film "In the Heart of the Sea," directed by the usually fantastic Ron Howard, was so mundane and his performance so un-extraordinary, we're not sure his career will survive if he ever gets killed off in a Thor film. Many might not remember, but waaaay back in January, Hemsworth starred in the cyber-hacker-spy-"thriller" called "Blackhat," directed by the once great Michael Mann. Hemsworth has a hard time keeping his accent straight, he is inexplicably shirtless several times, and the audio editing is some of the worst we have ever seen in a movie ever. This movie sucks so bad and is so completely boring, we won't blame you if you've already forgotten its existence in the first place.
13) "Vacation" (3/10): We know, we know, Hollywood needs to stop remaking/reinventing/rehashing movies. You don't need to tell us twice, and we agree, STOP IT NOW. The "Vacation" remake, starring the perpetually annoying Ed Helms, "sacrifices good, quality, fun banter and jokes in lieu of forced, juvenile comedy that is vulgar for vulgarity's sake." Adding nostalgia from the original doesn't make this movie any good, it just makes us long for the days when comedies actually made us laugh.
12) "Hell and Back" (2.5/10): Nick Swardson is really good friends with Adam Sandler...need we say more? This animated raunch-fest of a comedy begins pretty well, and though we love the overall look of the animation, it quickly tapers off into one long sex joke, never ceasing for a moment. This movie is a bummer to watch and is full of horrible rape jokes, which are never, ever funny. And how the hell did Swardson and co. convince Susan Sarandon to voice for this film!? What a waste of an animation team.
11) "Fantastic Four" (2.5/10): We'd be remiss if didn't mention the epic flop that is "Fan4stic" in our worst of 2015 list. Just barely missing the top 10, many a reviewer has put this as their #1 worst film of the year, and we totally get it, but we also assume those people didn't see the next 10 films on our list because there were certainly worse movies over the 365 days of 2015. "Fantastic Four," however misguided, completely misses the mark on any and all levels. As a superhero movie, it is not exciting in the slightest. As an action film, it's bloated with unbelievable CGI. Every single actor involved in this mess phones in their performance just to cash in a paycheck. The script is lackluster, the direction atrocious, and it's truly one of the worst, if not the worst superhero movie ever crafted. Suck is, Josh Trank.
10) "Sinister 2" (2/10): The first of the dreadful 2015 horror movies, ladies and gents! #10 on our list is "Sinister 2," the sequel to the decent enough original that made a buttload of money in 2012. Obviously since there was such a high return the first time around, that means, hey, why not make another one?! WRONG. Devoid of any scares and with all traces of the psychological elements from the original removed and cheapened, armed with a higher budget, but somehow filled with a lesser cast than the first movie, this sequel is underwhelming at best.
9) "The Loft" (2/10): Man, oh man, what did we do in a previous life to deserve this movie? "The Loft" is the American remake of a Belgian movie. From the start, it is a terribly written film with only mediocre acting and completely detestable characters. Filled with chauvinistic, sexist dialogue, violence towards women, and horridly misogynistic portrayals of both men and woman, this movie is just plain ol' trashy and is littered with misleading crumbs of information. Watch any other whodunit film instead.
8) "Love the Coopers" (2/10): BigJ and I love Christmas. We love everything about it: the family gatherings, the lovely Christmas tree, sweet holiday music, love and joy, EVERYTHING!! The only thing joyful you'll find in "Love the Coopers" is that it has a cute dog. Dreadful and disingenuous, it's a shambled mess of an ensemble with the Christmas holiday shoehorned in around a gaggle of appalling people simply to sell movie tickets to unsuspecting moviegoers. It was a task for us to watch this movie and we hated nearly every second of it.
7) "Hot Tub Time Machine 2" (2/10): You know a movie is going to be bad when one of the first jokes showcased involves a man shoving his penis and genitals against a glass window. Watching movie #7 on our list, "Hot Tub Time Machine 2," actually made us dumber. Making the worst character from the original "Hot Tub Time Machine" the focal point of the sequel was a horrible idea, and yet, Hollywood still did it and paid a hefty price because the movie made basically nothing. Massively offensive joke after massively offensive joke are exchanged for what feels like an eternity until you find yourself asking, "are 2 "Hot Tub Time Machine" movies necessary in this life?" No. This should have been called "Heaping Pile of Toilet Jokes and a Sorry Excuse for a Time Machine Story 2." At least John Cusack had enough good sense to not reprise his role in this bombtastic sequel. Spare yourself the humiliation you will feel for yourself and don't watch this sequel.
6) "Jem and the Holograms" (2/10): We are two of the 11 people in America who saw "Jem and the Holograms" in the theater and we immediately hated ourselves for doing so once it started. Bloated with YouTube videos in an attempt to connect with a younger audience, but bereft of 99.9% of its source material's amazing 80's campiness, this film is the definition of a movie that should have never, ever been made, ever. This movie only had a $5 million budget and it still didn't make its money back, that's how bad it is! "To be clear, what we watched wasn't a movie. What we watched will be the latest item that gets used to torture prisoners during wartime." Awful, awful, awful.

5) "The Transporter Refueled" (1.5/10): The "Transporter" series sucked to begin with, and we have sort of come to like Jason Statham in his more recent years as an action star. "The Transporter Refueled" reboots the series with a lead actor who merely wishes he could be Statham, but still winds up looking like, acting like, and talking like a dollar store version of the guy. This movie is a bloody mess, and not in the action sort of way, in the "get me to a hospital this so so so so bad" kind of way. The story is laughable and horrible, the acting is D-rate, and it is so boring and poorly paced, we forgot we were watching an action movie at all. Instead of watching this crapfest, just bang your head against a wall for almost 2 hours and you'll get the same effect.
4) "Hot Pursuit" (1.5/10): Oh, how we wish "Hot Pursuit" could have made it higher on the list. Alas, there were 3 movies worse than this steaming turd of a movie. Academy award winner and the previous year's nominee Reese Witherspoon and rising television star Sofia Vergara team up to set women's right and feminism back 70+ years in this "comedy"?????? we guess?????? Only, it's not funny AT ALL and we didn't even laugh once. "Between Vergara's constant screeching and Witherspoon's incessant idiocy, the two make up one of the worst miscast duos in the last few decades." The writing, the dialogue, the situations, all godawful. "Everything about this movie is ATROCIOUS. You'd think with the amount of sexist, stereotypical exchanges about women, the vast number of period jokes, justifying why a woman should only wear stilettos and not be so regimented at their work and why a woman needs to have a man to feel fulfilled in life, this movie would be directed by a man. Nope! Wrong again! A woman directed this movie, and this is perhaps the most offensive and enraging thing about "Hot Pursuit." AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE.
3) "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2" (1/10): Yes, we sat through this movie. Yes, the theater was empty. Yes, we are embarrassed about it. The second "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" movie (and we cringe just having to write this) makes us want to punch strangers and babies and the babies of strangers. This film is almost an exact replica of its original, only the setting is changed to Las Vegas. This time, "Paul Blart: Cash Grab 2" "slathers on loads and heaps and mounds of jokes about how stupid, unlovable, incompetent and losery Blart is, making him look like the most pathetically delusional person on the face of the planet." And you know what? People eat this shit like it was sugar covered breakfast cereal. Shame on you, Bas Rutten.
2) "The Boy Next Door" (1/10): Until mid-summer, the "Fatal Attraction" knock-off known as "The Boy Next Door" held the coveted #1 spot on our top 15 worst movies of 2015 list. Alas, it was dethroned. Coming in at #2 is a movie so stupid, so devoid of chemistry, so abhorrent, so terrible, so unnecessarily R-rated, so January, that we didn't even see it coming. How could we?? The foundation of the movie is built on lies, that a teacher has sex with her student, only her student is not underage like the trailers and description would have you believe, and her student is not actually her student when they hook up. Nope, it's simply two consenting adults having a relationship. That's it! Movie over! Every breathing, living second of "The Boy Next Door" is pure and utter shit, we would gladly spend an eternity watching every other film on our list up until this point until the day we die if, in exchange, we never had to think about this movie ever again.
1) "The Gallows" (1/10): We have made it to the #1 worst movie of 2015. "The Gallows." Boy, who'dathunk two R-rated non-comedy movies would make the top 2 this year?! Not us, that's for sure. "The Gallows" claims it's a horror movie, but it's not, and please stop kidding yourself into thinking loud noises makes a horror movie because THEY DON'T. Poorly written, contrived at every turn, with no frights, no scares, with no good acting to be seen, every single twist and turn is predictable and every single cliche you can think of is included in this movie. "Do yourself a favor and please don't waste your money on this, don't waste your time on this, and this goes doubly for Netflix and DVD viewings. It doesn't matter, just don't see it. This is absolutely, definitely, without a doubt, the worst of the year. Bela Lugosi, the king of both awesome horror movies and epically bad career decisions, would be rolling over in his damn grave."

To see our list of the Top 10 WORST movies of 2014, click here!

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