Thursday, October 19, 2017

Movie Review: "The Mountain Between Us" (2017)

Director: Hany Abu-Assad
Year: 2017
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 52 minutes

A brain surgeon and a photojournalist sharing a plane ride crash land in the Rockies after their pilot has a stroke mid-flight. Now, these two strangers must rely on each other to survive and get down the mountain alive.

A brain surgeon, a photojournalist, and a dog walk down a mountain, then they walk down a mountain some more, and then they continue walking down a mountain. Director Hany Abu-Assad's "The Mountain Between Us" is a survival adventure romance starring two very talented, capable actors, Idris Elba and Kate Winslet. Elba plays brain surgeon Ben Bass, and Winslet plays photojournalist Alex Martin. He needs to get home to perform brain surgery on a young patient, and she needs to get home to attend her wedding. They both need to be at their destination by morning. When their flights are canceled, Alex has the bright idea that the two should team up and get a commuter plane to take them to another airport so they can make their respective flights. Midway through their rickety journey in the smallest plane imaginable, the pilot, played by "why did you even cast him if he was only going to be in one scene" Beau Bridges, has a stroke and crashes the plane. Ben and Alex get stuck high up in the mountains and must depend on each other to survive until they are rescued.

One has to wonder how a movie with two of the most charming, competent, and talented actors can wind up being so extraordinarily bad. This is one of the most boring, insipid, uninspired, unoriginal movies of the year. Yes, snow-covered mountains are extremely gorgeous to look at, but goddamn, this film moves at a glacial pace (which Kate Winslet must be used to....get it??). This movie is sold as a survival adventure, but really, it's yet another unattainable cheeseball romance. The two are stuck together in the wilderness, but we never feel any sort of tension and we never have any fear that either of them will die. The movie shows a few ill effects during their ordeal, but both of them still manage to stay fairly well groomed despite being stuck with very few supplies for at least three weeks. This story drags on and on and on, and we wished so badly we could yell, "GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT ALREADY!!!" at the screen, but there were other people watching the film with us. In fact, there were more people watching this movie with us than there were when we saw "Blade Runner 2049," and we think that's simply unacceptable. We know where this damn thing is going the second it starts. When it finally looks like this atrocity is winding down, it keeps slogging along and has more non-story to tell.

As we said, we love both Idris Elba and Kate Winslet. They are both proficient actors and have been excellent in other films. Together in this flaming turd of a movie, they are stripped of what makes them good actors. Who would have thought that two of the most talented people of their time would have such unbelievable, terrible chemistry together? We never once believe their forced "will they/won't they" wilderness romance, not even for a second. We understand that if you're alone with Idris Elba or Kate Winslet for three weeks, chances are, you are probably going to want to fuck one of them if they allow it to happen, especially if you could die at any time. But seriously, if we had just spent three weeks waste-deep in the snow, trekking through the mountains for hours every day with limited food and water, we're not going to be able to fuck anything, let alone Idris Elba or Kate Winslet. Hell, you'll be lucky if your genitals still work and aren't covered in frostbite.

Oh, and did we mention they have a dog with them? How the fuck did the dog survive? Our dogs hate being in the cold weather...AND WE LIVE IN SAN DIEGO. 65 degrees is chilly for them. Do you think any dog that goes without food for multiple days, let alone weeks, is going to survive jumping through the snow? BUT WHO CARES!!! He just hopped like a bunny through piles of freshly fallen powder! AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! It's so0o0o0o0o cute!!! AND COMPLETELY UNIMAGINABLE AND FALSE AND WE HATE IT AND WHY.

"The Mountain Between Us" doesn't embrace its cheesiness, it just hopes the audience is too stupid to tell the difference. It is such a waste of a movie. It is boring, cliche, and overlong with thinly written characters, shoddy, dopey dialogue and horrendous writing, and the directing is flat out bad. Its only saving grace is some good cinematography and the fact that the dog is cute.

My Rating: 2/10
BigJ's Rating: 2/10
IMDB's Rating: ~6.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ~43%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

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