Thursday, February 15, 2018

Movie Review: "Fifty Shades Freed" (2018)

Director: James Foley
Year: 2018
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 45 minutes

Now married, Christian and Anastasia Grey must adjust to wedded life, all while Anastasia's former boss continues to threaten the Grey family and plot his revenge.

We have waited so long for this moment. We have been writhing in anticipation and aching with desire for this day to finally be here. We have been on our knees waiting, begging for these magic words. It has been years of build-up...and now, we can finally say...we are freed...FREED from this horrible, no good, very bad franchise. "Fifty Shades Freed" is the third and final installment in the "Fifty Shades of Grey" franchise. The film is directed by James Foley, who directed the previous installment in the series. The screenplay is once again written by Niall Leonard, husband of "Fifty Shades" author E.L. James. Reprising their roles once again are Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson as Christian Grey and Anastasia Grey, née Steele. The story picks up on the day of their wedding. After a short honeymoon montage when Christian scolds Ana for taking off her bikini at a nude beach because she's "showing enough skin as it is," we learn that Ana's old boss Jack Hyde, played by Eric Johnson, is causing the Grey family some major problems. The situation becomes increasingly more dangerous as Hyde's actions become increasingly more violent. Meanwhile, the newlywed Greys are adjusting to married life, and Ana is nestling in nicely to her newfound authority as Christian's wife. Oh, and they have sex...lots and lots of uncharismatic sex.

As a reader, you may want to ask us, "if you dislike this franchise so much, why do you keep watching these movies?" Maybe it's because we see it as our duty as reviewers to see everything and anything we possibly can. Or, maybe, we share a trait with the film's main character Anastasia: maybe we like to be tortured, not in a red room of pain with whips, handcuffs, blindfolds, and buttplugs, but in a dark, sticky theater watching terrible movies such as this one. Sometimes, watching bad movies gives us an unexpectedly pleasurable experience. Once in a while, horrendous romances and dramas present themselves as good sources of unintentional comedy. Unfortunately, that is not the case with the "Fifty Shades" movies. There are a few times this movie does hover into the "so bad that it's funny" category, but then we are ripped right back into the reality of what we are watching: one long, meandering, pointless, appalling trainwreck. This series has always been a boring slog with bland characters, an uninteresting, horribly put together narrative, and dull, not even remotely erotic sex scenes, but James Foley directs this third installment in such a way that it doubles down on everything dreadful about it. At this point, it looks like it physically pains Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan to be in the same room with each other despite being contractually obligated to do so. While very much dialed down from the novel, the dialogue still manages to be utterly atrocious. The part of the story involving Hyde is by far the worst thing about it. It is enragingly bad. By the end of it all, we learn that Christian's high dollar security is utterly useless, that all of the characters are morons, that Hyde's backhand is harder than a left hook from world record holder and MMA fighter Frances Ngannou, and that the director really, really, really likes montages.

It's easy to crap on the "Fifty Shades" movies. Nearly every critic does it, so our review will likely add nothing but more double entendre jokes and seething hatred shouted into the wind. Of course, we're not knocking you if you like these movies. There have been many god-awful films we've enjoyed because they are total trainwrecks but still remain fun to watch. Beyond being pitifully constructed, terribly acted, poorly paced trash, the normalization of such an abusive, manipulative, controlling relationship between two incompatible lovers is our biggest gripe with the series and has been from the start. It has progressively gotten worse, but the films still only adapt 1/4th of the amount of the possessiveness shown from the book. But hey, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are ~*gorgeous~* so it makes it all okay, right?! There's nothing wrong with showing two beautiful people having copious amounts of sex via land, air, and sea, but, to borrow a direct quote from our review of the second film that still applies to this final one, it "manages to accomplish the extremely difficult task of making what is supposed to be a steamy, erotic thriller completely and incredibly boring." We are so glad this series is finished. Don't even bother with "Fifty Shades Freed."

My Rating: 1.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 1.5/10
IMDB's Rating: ~4.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ~12%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

Please be sure to check out Lolo Loves Films all over the internet!

No comments:

Post a Comment