Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Movie Review: "The Hurricane Heist" (2018)

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Director: Rob Cohen
Year: 2018
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 43 minutes

A group of thieves robs a Federal Reserve facility in Gulfport, Alabama during a category five hurricane, and only a treasury agent, meteorologist, and a repairman can stop them.

We've got a GREAT idea! Let's rob a Federal Reserve facility during a hurricane! It's the perfect plan! There is absolutely no variable within this that situation that could possibly cause a problem in our master scheme!

"The Hurricane Heist" is directed by Rob Cohen, whose more recent directorial efforts have been films like "Stealth," "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor," and atrocious "The Boy Next Door." It has a story written by the guys who brought us "Drop Dead Fred," including Scott Windhauser, who wrote "Cops and Robbers," and Jeff Dixon, whose biggest writing credit is "Zombies!" for Xbox Fitness. A force five hurricane is about to crash into the small town of Gulfport, Alabama, which just so happens to be the location of the most poorly protected Federal Reserve facility in the world. A group of well-trained and highly organized thieves plans to rob it during the hurricane. The only people who can stop them are Federal Treasury Agent Casey (Maggie Grace), a meteorologist named Will (Toby Kebbell), and his brother and repairman Breeze (Ryan Kwanten).

This is the second film we've seen in 2018 about a group of criminals who intend to rob a Federal Reserve bank. The first was "Den of Thieves," a crime thriller heist film that was much better than we expected it to be. Now, it's time for "The Hurricane Heist," the dumbed-downed, more action-based natural disaster heist movie no one asked for but we sure as shit got anyway. It's probably not a good sign when a script is a dumbed-down version being compared to a Gerard Butler movie. As we said above, this is the most unbelievably insecure Federal Reserve in existence. It seriously only has a dozen employees at most, and only a handful of these employees are security guards. They allow all kinds of outside contractors in and out of the building and not one of them appears to get a security check. This is honestly the least of our complaints, but it's a good start.

"The Hurricane Heist" knows it's a completely stupid, mindless, ridiculous action film because idiotic movies are director Rob Cohen's specialty. You know what you're in for when a gigantic skull appears within the clouds of a storm like it's a goddamn "Harry Potter" movie. The fact that the heisters' plan requires a hurricane in the first place is beyond bonkers. The plan will only work if there's a hurricane. Just let that notion truly sink in for a second. Toby Kebbell's Will frequently talks to the hurricane as if it were a real person. Will has a dedicated drawer in his humongous armored truck tank for his daily peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Characters engage in a shootout during a category five hurricane with gale force winds and shoot guns at trucks as every single bullet hits the said truck with precision-point accuracy. People tether themselves to objects and get sucked out of rooftops, dangling mid-air for several seconds and then peacefully landing without a scratch. Characters stop off at random houses to leave their young children IN THE MIDDLE OF A HURRICANE in order to tend to their trucks and make sure they are safe on the road. It's so goddamn dumb, and it makes no effort to hide this fact. Still, we weren't into it like we were with 2017's "Geostorm." DUTCHBOY OR BUST.

"The Hurricane Heist" is the perfect storm (GET IT?!!) of bad movies. The acting is bad, the accents are worse, and the story is downright terrible and riddled with plot holes. There are a couple of action scenes that are decent at best, though most of them will bring unintentional laughs rather than intrigue or excitement. We can absolutely see this being a cult classic and/or guilty pleasure movie for some people due to its wretchedness, but we couldn't even get to that point. There's no real need to see this movie in theaters (especially since the CGI is awful and will add little to no enjoyment on any type of screen or device), but judging by its box office totals thus far, most of you have already passed on it or probably don't even know it exists.

My Rating: 3/10
BigJ's Rating: 2.5/10
IMDB's Rating: ~4.8/10
RT Rating: ~43%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

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