Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Movie Review: "Secret Obsession" (2019)

Movie poster for Netflix's 2019 dramatic thriller Secret Obsession, starring Brenda Song, Mike Vogel, and Dennis Haysbert
Image Source
Director: Peter Sullivan
Year: 2019
Rating: TV-14
Running Time: 1 hour, 37 minutes

After being hit by a car while fleeing a knife-wielding stalker, Jennifer wakes up in the hospital with amnesia. Luckily, her loving husband is there to fill her in on the missing gaps in her life and take her home, where everything will be hunky-dory. However, as the days pass, Jennifer can't escape the feeling that there's something not quite right about her picturesque life in the country.

Movie still for the Netflix original "Secret Obsession" where Brenda Song inspects a photoshopped picture of her husband while he is out of the house
Brenda Song inspecting that photoshop job like... (Image Source)
(This review contains spoilers) We here at Lolo Loves Films have made it our mission "to see and review all the movies." In turn, this means we frequently watch movies that are so bad it keeps us up at night. Netflix's latest film, "Secret Obsession," is one of those projects. This "movie" (if you can call it that) is directed by Peter Sullivan, who has made a flourishing career out of taking away peoples brain cells away with his Lifetime and Hallmark Channel Christmas flicks such as "Wrapped Up In Christmas," "Jingle Belle," and "Dear Secret Santa," his TV movie horror thrillers like "High School Possession," "Ominous," and "Cucuy: The Boogeyman," and his Christmas-themed horror film "Christmas Twister." Oh, and "The Dog Who Saved Halloween," we couldn't forget that little gem. "Secret Obsession" opens with a woman named Jennifer (Brenda Song) running away from a shadowy figure on a rainy California night (LOL) at an abandoned rest stop. Jennifer gets hit by a car and is brought to the hospital where, as it just so happens, she has short-term amnesia from her injuries. Her husband Russell (Mike Vogel) has been at her bedside since the accident, but for the life of her, Jennifer cannot remember him. With the help of many horrendously photoshopped pictures and a retelling of the events of her life, Jennifer finds out that she is a parentless, friendless job-quitter who only has her dear ol' husband Russell to help her regain her memories. Shock! After Jennifer is discharged from the hospital, Russell takes her to their home, a sprawling manor in the woods in the middle of nowhere, where no expense was spared, and where "the nearest neighbor is over a mile away." Detective Frank Page (Dennis Haysbert) is working on Jennifer's hit-and-run case and smells something fishy going on, so he decides to do some investigatin'. In the process, he turns up a lot of dead bodies. Meanwhile, in a house with no cell phone reception, no working internet service, and no TV to pass the time, Jennifer starts to put two and two together when she realizes Russell's photoshop skills are weaker than an infant's. You don't need short-term memory loss to know that, Jennifer! OMG! IS HE?! FAUX RUSSELL!! Jennifer must figure out who this man masquerading as her husband is, what he wants, why he has a ~*secret obsession~* with her, and what he did to Real Russell before she is trapped in a house with no internet forever!!!
Mike Vogel stands outside his Jeep in dark rimmed glasses staring into the distance in Netflix's new movie Secret Obsession
Mike Vogel lookin' mighty suspish outside his Jeep. (Image Source)
We have seen thousands upon thousands of films in our lives, but we have never, ever seen a movie with less mystery than "Secret Obsession." In just one minute of view-time, we knew exactly where this story was going, we knew exactly what was happening, and we knew exactly what the outcome would be. We didn't even see the trailer, which supposedly gives everything away. How does it feel to be psychic, you ask? Not good in this instance because there were still 96 minutes of torturous agony left to watch. It was a chore to sit through this movie. In fact, at one point (and we hate admitting this), we had to pause it so I could finish cleaning the washing machine. Have you ever paused a movie to perform an arduous cleaning task?? We typically don't do stuff like this because we feel every film is worth our undivided attention. Someone went through the trouble of writing it, producing it, catering for it, filming it, acting in it, editing it, polishing it, primping it, trailer-ing it...movies take a lot of time and effort and money to create. Not this one. The people who thought "Secret Obsession" was more worthy than the stacks of unfunded, unproduced, un-greenlit projects are out of their minds insane.

This movie suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks, so so so bad. There is nothing redeemable about it. There is no tension, there is no enigma, there are no thrills, there is no good acting, there is no good story, there is no good anything. There are only laughs, so, so many laughs, not "haha that was funny" laughs, but "HAHAHAHA WE CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GOT MADE" laughs. It has an incredibly stupid, horribly written script full of inconsistencies, contrived moments, and oh so many plotholes. Not to mention the hilariously bad acting it has to go with it. There are goofs, gaffs, and editing problems. Russell's hair changes color several times throughout the film. There is a useless bearded character who is coy about what he wants and who is, and he serves no purpose other than being a red herring. Detective Page, who proves that Jennifer is absolutely NOT in good hands, has more than enough evidence on at least two occasions to arrest Russell, but instead, he heads out to confront him, by himself, with no backup...gee golly garsh gee whiz, we wonder what could happen! And don't get us started on the fact that Russell shows up to a hospital with only terribly photoshopped pictures and a concerned look to prove he's Jennifer's husband. IN WHAT STATE, IN WHAT COUNTRY, IN WHAT UNIVERSE would this, and the proper identification of her back tattoo, be acceptable proof that you're someone's spouse!??!! Why, how, what?????????????????
Movie still for Netflix's 2019 film Secret Obsession where Dennis Haysbert tries to find out what happened to Brenda Song as the detective on her case
We like to encourage our readers to watch films for themselves to make their own assessment of how they feel about a movie. We rarely ever dissuade people from viewing something, but we can't hold back this time. If you have Netflix, please, please do not watch "Secret Obsession." Netflix needs to know that this project was not worth what they paid to have it made, and the only way this will be reflected is if people do not give in. Just don't. That's it. We're done. We cannot possibly invest any more time in this garbage movie. At least it sparked our creativity.

My Rating: 1/10
BigJ's Rating: 1/10
IMDB's Rating: 4.3/10
RT Rating: 30%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING PLAGUE!!!!!!!

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