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Movie: "Secret Obsession"
Director: Peter SullivanYear: 2019
Rating: TV-14
Running Time: 1 hour, 37 minutes
After being hit by a car while fleeing a knife-wielding stalker, Jennifer wakes up in the hospital with amnesia. Luckily, her loving husband is there to fill her in on the missing gaps in her life and take her home, where everything will be hunky-dory. However, as the days pass, Jennifer can't escape the feeling that there's something not quite right about her picturesque life in the country.
Brenda Song inspecting that photoshop job like... (Image Source) |
Mike Vogel lookin' mighty suspish outside his Jeep. (Image Source) |
We have seen thousands upon thousands of films in our lives, but we have never, ever seen a movie with less mystery than "Secret Obsession." In just one minute of view-time, we knew exactly where this story was going, we knew exactly what was happening, and we knew exactly what the outcome would be. We didn't even see the trailer, which supposedly gives everything away. How does it feel to be psychic, you ask? Not good in this instance because there were still 96 minutes of torturous agony left to watch. It was a chore to sit through this movie. In fact, at one point (and we hate admitting this), we had to pause it so I could finish cleaning the washing machine. Have you ever paused a movie to perform an arduous cleaning task?? We typically don't do stuff like this because we feel every film is worth our undivided attention. Someone went through the trouble of writing it, producing it, catering for it, filming it, acting in it, editing it, polishing it, primping it, trailer-ing it...movies take a lot of time and effort and money to create. Not this one. The people who thought "Secret Obsession" was more worthy than the stacks of unfunded, unproduced, un-greenlit projects are out of their minds insane.
This movie suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks, so so so bad. There is nothing redeemable about it. There is no tension, there is no enigma, there are no thrills, there is no good acting, there is no good story, there is no good anything. There are only laughs, so, so many laughs, not "haha that was funny" laughs, but "HAHAHAHA WE CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GOT MADE" laughs. It has an incredibly stupid, horribly written script full of inconsistencies, contrived moments, and oh so many plotholes. Not to mention the hilariously bad acting it has to go with it. There are goofs, gaffs, and editing problems. Russell's hair changes color several times throughout the film. There is a useless bearded character who is coy about what he wants and who is, and he serves no purpose other than being a red herring. Detective Page, who proves that Jennifer is absolutely NOT in good hands, has more than enough evidence on at least two occasions to arrest Russell, but instead, he heads out to confront him, by himself, with no backup...gee golly garsh gee whiz, we wonder what could happen! And don't get us started on the fact that Russell shows up to a hospital with only terribly photoshopped pictures and a concerned look to prove he's Jennifer's husband. IN WHAT STATE, IN WHAT COUNTRY, IN WHAT UNIVERSE would this, and the proper identification of her back tattoo, be acceptable proof that you're someone's spouse!??!! Why, how, what?????????????????
BRENDA SONG, GIRL, YOU ARE NOT IN GOOD HANDS. (Image Source) |
We like to encourage our readers to watch films for themselves to make their own assessment of how they feel about a movie. We rarely ever dissuade people from viewing something, but we can't hold back this time. If you have Netflix, please, please do not watch "Secret Obsession." Netflix needs to know that this project was not worth what they paid to have it made, and the only way this will be reflected is if people do not give in. Just don't. That's it. We're done. We cannot possibly invest any more time in this garbage movie. At least it sparked our creativity.
BigJ's Rating: 1/10
IMDB's Rating: 4.3/10
RT Rating: 30%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE MOTHERFUCKING PLAGUE!!!!!!!
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