Movie Review: "Seed of Chucky" (2004)

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Movie: "Seed of Chucky"

Director: Don Mancini
Year: 2004
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 27 minutes

A living doll that has been forced to work as a ventriloquist dummy named Shithead seeks out his parents, only to discover they are actually the psychopathic serial killers Chucky and Tiffany.

Movie Review: "Hellboy" (2004)

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Movie: "Hellboy"

Director: Guillermo del Toro
Year: 2004
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 2 hours, 2 minutes

A demon raised by humans must combat the evil sorcerer Rasputin, who wishes to open a portal to hell and unleash its fury on mankind.

Movie Review: "Crash" (2004)

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Movie: "Crash"

Director: Paul Haggis
Year: 2004
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 52 minute

The intersecting stories of several people living in Los Angeles as they deal with racism daily.

Movie Review: "Hairspray" (2007)

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Movie: "Hairspray"

Director: Adam Shankman
Year: 2007
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 57 minutes

In Baltimore in 1962, a plus size teen named Tracy Turnblad uses her skills to land a spot on a local  TV dance show. She quickly becomes a fan favorite and uses her notoriety to push for integration and acceptance for all people.

Movie Review: "The Phantom of the Opera" (2004)

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Movie: "The Phantom of the Opera"

Director: Joel Schumacher
Year: 2004
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 2 hours, 23 minutes

A mysterious phantom takes a young singer under his wing and trains her, using fear to push her to the forefront of operatic stardom.

Movie Review: "A Mighty Wind" (2003)

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Movie: "A Mighty Wind"

Director: Christopher Guest
Year: 2003
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 31 minutes

Various groups of folk singers reunite for a memorial concert to pay homage to the man who discovered them.

Movie Review: "Chicago" (2002)

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Movie: "Chicago"

Director: Rob Marshall
Year: 2002
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 53 minutes

A woman murders her lover when she discovers the fame and fortune he promised her was all a lie just to get her in bed. Now, she faces capital punishment and must stand trial, which her lawyer turns into a media circus.

Movie Review: "No Country for Old Men" (2007)

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Movie: "No Country for Old Men"

Director: Joel and Ethan Coen
Year: 2007
Rating: R
Running Time: 2 hours, 2 minutes

A hunter stumbles upon the remains of a drug deal gone bad and discovers a suitcase full of $2 million in cash. When he tries to take the money for himself, he is pursued by drug dealers, police, and a murderous hitman trying to get it back.

Movie Review: "Gladiator" (2000)

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Movie: "Gladiator"

Director: Ridley Scott
Year: 2000
Rating: R
Running Time: 2 hours, 35 minutes

A Roman General who was thought to be executed is sold into slavery and battles as a gladiator until he can unleash his revenge on the corrupt emperor Commodus, who murdered his family, killed his friend, and ordered his execution.

Movie Review: "Good Night, and Good Luck" (2005)

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Movie: "Good Night, and Good Luck"

Director: George Clooney
Year: 2005
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 33 minutes

CBS reporter Edward R. Murrow takes on Senator Joseph McCarthy and his communist witch hunt during the Red Scare.

Movie Review: "Just Friends" (2005)

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Movie: "Just Friends"

Director: Roger Kumble
Year: 2005
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 36 minutes

A once overweight high school loser has turned into a hot, successful womanizer in the last decade and inadvertently must returns to his hometown with one of the pop singers he works with. Once there, he reunites with his childhood crush, the girl who kept him in the 'friend zone.' He now thinks he has a shot with her because of his new looks and success. Unfortunately, being around her turns him into the bumbling failure he was when he was a kid.

Movie Review: "Pieces of April" (2003)

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Movie: "Pieces of April"

Director: Peter Hedges
Year: 2003
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 20 minutes

In an effort to reconnect with her estranged, dysfunctional, complicated family, April Burns has offered to host Thanksgiving dinner at her small apartment in a not-so-great neighborhood in New York City.

Movie Review: "Ghosts of Mars" (2001)

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Movie: "Ghosts of Mars"

Director: John Carpenter
Year: 2001
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 38 minutes

Mars police officers are sent to a mining colony to transport a dangerous criminal back to the city. When they arrive, they are faced with unexpected dangers far more deadly than the criminal they came to collect.

Movie Review: "Cabin Fever" (2002)

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Movie: "Cabin Fever"

Director: Eli Roth
Year: 2002
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 33 minutes

A group of college kids heads up to a remote cabin for a weekend of raucous debauchery. Their fun is cut short when one of them gets infected by a flesh-eating virus, leaving the others wondering how to help their friend without getting sick themselves.

Movie Review: "Splinter" (2008)

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Movie: "Splinter"

Director: Toby Wilkins
Year: 2008
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 22 minutes

An escaped convict and his girlfriend take a couple on their way home from a camping trip hostage in their vehicle. When the group comes across a deadly parasite that turns its victims into ravenous zombie-like creatures, they must take shelter in a gas station and find a way to work together so they can survive.

Movie Review: "The Descent" (2005)

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Movie: "The Descent"

Director: Neil Marshall
Year: 2005
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 39 minutes

A group of friends who gather annually for an extreme nature activity decides to go spelunking for this year's event. The task at hand is much more difficult than anticipated. As if exploring a cave wasn't hard enough, they soon discover they are not alone and are being hunted by a mysterious predator.

Movie Review: "Johnny English" (2003)

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Movie: "Johnny English"

Director: Peter Howitt
Year: 2003
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 27 minutes

When all of the secret agents at MI7 are killed, analyst Johnny English finally gets to live out his dream of becoming a spy. When someone steals the Crown Jewels of England, it's up to English to find out who is behind it all and why.

Movie Review: "Bad Boys II" (2003)

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Movie: "Bad Boys II"

Director: Michael Bay
Year: 2003
Rating: R
Running Time: 2 hours, 27 minutes

Detectives Marcus Burnett and Mike Lowrey are working a new case trying to uncover the identity of an ecstasy smuggler who has been using a morgue as a cover for his operation.

Movie Review: "The Island" (2005)

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Movie: "The Island"

Director: Michael Bay
Year: 2005
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 41 minutes

A large group of people lives in a subterranean authoritarian community. Each person goes through their day-to-day life in the hopes that they will win the lottery and get to go to a utopia known as the Island. All of this changes when one citizen known as Lincoln Six Echo starts to question authority and discovers the Island isn't what everyone thinks it is.

Movie Review: "Pearl Harbor" (2001)

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Movie: "Pearl Harbor"

Director: Michael Bay
Year: 2001
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 3 hours, 3 minutes

Two pilots and lifelong best friends have a falling out over a woman just before they are forced back together due to the attack on Pearl Harbor in Hawaii.

"Rafe, you died. So did I." (Image Source)

All's fair in love and war, including taking advantage of a situation when people are at their most vulnerable. "Pearl Harbor" is directed by Michael Bay, who has directed movies like "Armageddon," "The Rock," and "Bad Boys." It is written by Randall Wallace, who has worked on other wartime films like "Braveheart" and "We Were Soldiers." If you couldn't guess from the title, this movie is about a love triangle between three beautiful people...wait, what? Yes, you read that right! This movie happens during the attack on Pearl Harbor and is set in the months leading up to and following the attack itself, but really, this is a story of love and betrayal, and we don't mean the one about how Japan betrayed America and attacked us that fateful day in December 1941. Instead, it's about two lifelong best friends named Rafe McCawley (Ben Affleck) and Danny Walker (Josh Hartnett), who have both always dreamt of becoming pilots. The two have grown up together, and each of them has fulfilled their dream. Rafe has become one of the best pilots in the military. He falls in love with a nurse named Evelyn Johnson (Kate Beckinsale), who also falls in love with him. Rafe eventually ships out to England to help with the fight against Germany in Europe. He is thought to be killed in action a short time later. After a couple of months have passed, Evelyn is ready to put her pictures safely in a book in her drawer and has said her goodbyes to Rafe. Luckily, Rafe's best friend Danny begins to look after her and starts to fall in love with her himself. And wouldn't you know it, Rafe wasn't dead after all!! Now, his best friend is dating the love of his life. Of course, running in the background of one of the messiest situations in Hollywood is the lead-up to a pesky little assault on Pearl Harbor, the attack itself, and its aftermath. Also, there is a small subplot about an African American Navy cook (Cuba Gooding Jr.) literally fighting for respect, but who cares? THE PEOPLE WANT MOAR SMOULDERING BEN AFFLECK!!!

"Leave your goddamn hula shirts at home." (Image Source)

Let's talk about what does work in "Pearl Harbor" first because there are a couple of great things about this movie. What does work are the scenes focused on Japan's preparation for their attack, the American intelligence/military trying to decipher the mishmash of messages being sent out of Japan, as well as the politics of deciding what they should do about it all. The action scenes themselves are excellent and have held up well over time. Michael Bay is known for his over-the-top, overly indulgent explosions full of mayhem and mania, and he provides just that in a grandiose display of carnage and destruction. The battle sequences are quite the spectacle and are very exciting while they last, even if Bay does fudge a few (read: several) facts in order to generate more unnecessary drama. Though it seems like more of an afterthought to the overall story, Cuba Gooding Jr.'s fight for respect is the most interesting human plot going on in the film, and we wish there would have been more of it.

"The rise and fall of our empire is at stake." (Image Source)

Now, let's get to what doesn't work. Pretty much anything involving the combination of Ben Affleck, Josh Hartnett, and Kate Beckinsale is ridiculously stupid. Their entire romance feels so unnecessary in terms of the overall story, and it detracts from everything else going on. It's like Michael Bay wanted this film to be his "Titanic," which is famous for its love triangle, so of course, that meant "Pearl Harbor" had to have a love triangle as well. It's like he was hoping that by including this subplot, he could appeal to multiple demographics across the board for maximum profit. There can be a little drama and romance for those who like that sort of stuff, mixed with a little action and a couple explosions for the crowds who like excitement and tension, sprinkled in with some military preparation and jargon for hardcore history fans. Instead, Bay settles for losing two-thirds of the audience because of his horrible slog of a forced romance. Audiences have to wade through mounds and mounds of melodrama to get to the meat and potatoes of the story. Another problem is that the movie is just too goddamn long. It worked for "Titanic," not so much for this. There isn't enough necessary story to fill its excessive runtime properly, though overly long movies are pretty much par for the course when it comes to Michael Bay. With some editing and a bit of a refocusing on anything other than the romance, "Pearl Harbor" had the potential to be a good movie. Unfortunately, it just winds up being a sporadically-cool-but-mostly-over-bloated-mess.

My Rating: 4/10
BigJ's Rating: 4/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.1/10
RT Rating: 25%
Do we recommend this movie: No.

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