Monday, April 13, 2015

Movie Review: "Paul Blart: Mall Cop" (2009)

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Movie"Paul Blart: Mall Cop"
Director: Steve Carr
Year: 2009
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes

Paul Blart (Kevin James) is an overweight security guard who aspires to be a real cop, but has been unable to finish training due to his hypoglycemia, which causes fainting spells. He works at a large mall where most people he comes across don't respect him. When a group of extreme sport loving criminals take over the mall and take a few of the workers hostage, including the woman of his dreams Amy (Jayma Mays), Paul Blart must use all his skills as a segway driving mall cop to take back his territory. 

This movie might as well be called "Kevin James is a Big, Huge Fatty Fat Fat" because that is the joke of the movie. We say 'joke' because it's the only joke in this movie and one that is told in a variety of different ways over and over and over again. Filmmakers want audiences to laugh so badly at these horribly unfunny situations they are basically screaming "LAUGH YOU DUMB SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!" in your face for an hour and thirty minutes. Paul Blart is so fat he sweats from under his big fatty fat fat moobs and out of his huge, protruding belly button. LAUGH!!11! Paul Blart is so fat, he wears tight fitting, unfashionable and stupid looking clothing unironically. LAUGH!!1! Paul Blart is so fat, he has low blood sugar and passes out when he physically exerts himself even the slightest bit. LAUGH!!11~~! Paul Blart is so fat, he drowns his sorrows in copious amounts of food and gulps his drinks like an animal and has eating contests with other fat people. LAUGH, DAMMIT!!!! LAUGH WE SAY!!! Paul Blart isn't the only one who is fat, look at his whole fat family! ISN'T IT FUNNY!1!??1!~!! Paul Blart is so fat, it is funny when he falls down repeatedly, especially after dancing in a bar. In fact, let's watch him fall down over a dozen times and laugh at his fatness hitting the ground over and over! NOW LAUGH!~!!!~ Let's watch Paul Blart slather peanut butter on top of his pie because, you guessed it, HE'S FAT! AHAHAHAH!!!! Paul Blart is so fat he is awkward around women who are totally out of his league. Paul Blart is so pathetic and so fat he gets schooled in lessons about online dating from his elderly mother and turns up no matches to fit his profile due to his fatness! He has to grope statues to make conversation because no one will talk to him because he's fat! Paul Blart is so fat, his previous wife who was also fat only married him for a green card! NOW LAUGH!!!! Paul Blart is so fat that he becomes useless when real trouble starts to happen because he's busy making an ass of himself alone in a pathetic empty arcade while running on a treadmill video game! No way! AHAHAHA!!! Paul Blart is so fat he dents air duct vents while waddling through them trying to save the day and does somersaults when it's completely unnecessary so we can laugh at his fatness some more!

Can you tell we're sick of fat shaming??? Chances are, if you understand any modicum of sarcasm, you've now come to understand how we view this picture: we are enraged, bitter and angry, and it's not just because of how we look. This is the shit being peddled to future generations of people!! Movies like this are being passed off as feel good underdog stories about a bumbling, pathetic loser like Paul Blart who triumphs against all odds, only HE DOESN'T TRIUMPH AT ALL. He doesn't rise above in any meaningful way, he triumphs because the criminals, despite all of their athletic ability, are far more incompetent than him, someone who accidentally saves the day not with his wit and talent, but because he just got lucky and is still a sad, obese loser at the end of the day. The plot is absolutely moronic, which could be somewhat forgivable if the movie was the slightest bit funny, but it's just not. Do you want to know why Hollywood is making a "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2" even though the first one has piss-poor reviews like this? Because it cost basically nothing to make and it made almost 8 times its budget. #MURICA.

This movie gets 2 stars from each of us: 1 star is for its amazing soundtrack, which is the film's only saving grace, and 1 star is for Bobby Cannavale, who I love with all my heart, but should have known better.

My Rating: 2/10
BigJ's Rating: 2/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 33%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

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