Movie Review: "A Million Ways to Die in the West" (2014)

Movie: "A Million Ways to Die in the West"
Director: Seth MacFarlane
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 56 minutes

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Albert Stark (Seth McFarlane) is a sheep farmer who seems to have a more modern understanding of the world and hates living in the old west. When he is dumped by his girlfriend and the love of his life Louise (Amanda Seyfried), he is ready to leave the frontier behind and move to San Francisco. That is, of course, until he meets Anna (Charlize Theron), who Albert connects with as they seem to have the same modern sensibility and mutual hatred of the frontier. Anna helps Albert make his ex jealous by pretending to be his girlfriend. When Albert and Louise’s new beau Foy (Neil Patrick Harris) get in a disagreement, they challenge each other to a duel. Unfortunately, Albert doesn't know how to shoot. Fortunately, Anna does, and she teaches Albert how to do so. While teaching him, the two get closer and closer and eventually fall in love, helping Albert get over Louise. There's just one slight problem problem: Anna is married to a man named Clinch Leatherwood (Liam Neeson), who is one of the deadliest outlaws in the west. When Clinch finds out about Albert and Anna, Albert may be in more trouble than he bargained for against a much more dangerous opponent than his previous rival Foy. 

What. A. Crapfest. Literally.

This movie fires off joke after joke like they are coming out of an old-time Gatling gun. For every one that hits its intended target, there are 20-30 misses. All of the jokes we "laughed at" revolved around ol' west humor, like how nobody smiles in photos or how there was heroin in the remedy elixir. Jokes about farts, sex, Sarah Silverman being a prostitute who doesn't believe in premarital sex, sex, more sex, shooting guns at cans...good lord, are we children?? This is an R-rated example of something along the lines of an Adam Sandler flop. From the first time we saw the trailer, we knew what we were in for, and yet had to see if McFarlane could redeem himself after "Ted." Lots of people liked "Ted," but we did not, and for the same reasons.

Beyond that, McFarlane manages to, once again, offend every. single. person. on the planet in some way, shape, or form. He goes after different races, different religions, is super sexist, and even manages to pull out a disability joke or two. At some point, the "shock value" wears off because you expect it from him. It wasn't ever really shocking to us, we just think he's kind of a douche. Again, let us reiterate, we are not prudes, we love a good-bad joke, but only when it's done right. This movie seems like it tried too hard to be another "Blazing Saddles," but without funny actors and with no poignant humor. Other than the old-timey jokes mentioned above, the other slightly better parts in the film are nostalgic cameos from characters from actually good western movie that are fondly remembered. This only takes up about 90 seconds of screen time, though.

Even Liam Neeson and Charlize Theron couldn't save this floundering movie from drowning in a sea of its own excrement. I'd like to say it's disappointing, but at this point, we know better than to expect anything else from Seth McFarlane. It's sad, because he produces "Cosmos: A SpaceTime Odyssey," so we know he's capable of funding a good, well-worthy project, but "A Million Ways to Die in the West" is just....cringeworthy. I mean, there were some points in the movie where I just slinked down in the bottom of my seat as if to hide myself from the other 4 patrons in the theater so they couldn't get a good look at me to rub it in my face at some point in life. It's conflicting because, as bloggers, we want to SEE ALL THE THINGS!!! but as people with morals and self-respect, maybe we need to redraw our line and stop inadvertently funding McFarlane's feeble, ineffectual, and insufficient attempts at what constitutes as humor.

AGHHHHHHH, CRAP...THEY ARE MAKING "TED 2"?!?!?!? *DARTH VADER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

My Rating: 3/10
BigJ's Rating: 4/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.4/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 33%
Do we recommend this movie: No.