Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Movie Review #247: "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2" (2015)

Movie"Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2"
Ticket Price: $12.50
Director: Andy Fickman
Rating: PG
Running Time 1 hour, 34 minutes
Image Source
Paul Blart (Kevin James) has had a string of bad luck. His wife left him after six days of marriage and his mother was killed when she was hit by a milk truck. His luck is turning around as he was invited to the national security guard convention at the Wynn in Las Vegas. Coincidentally, a group of high-tech thieves are there at the same time planning to steal the Wynn's art collection. When Blart's daughter Maya (Raini Rodriguez) stumbles upon the thieves in action, Paul must roll into action himself to save her and the art. 

The above movie poster is the only thing about this movie that doesn't make us want to punch strangers, babies and puppies in the mouth.

"Paul Blart: Cash Grab 2" is an abhorrent sequel to an already repugnant original movie, and yet, for some reason, Americans across the country continuously feel the need to take their kids to see this ridiculously stupid film and other movies like it, which will no doubt damage their psyches forever and hurt their perception of the cinematic arts for years to come. "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 " is almost the exact same movie as "Paul Blart: Mall Cop," except the setting has been changed from his hometown mall to the Wynn hotel in Las Vegas. We will admit off the bat that the amount of fat jokes seems to be toned down a bit from the first installment, which is a plus, but they are still there in droves. This time, filmmakers also slather on loads and heaps and mounds of jokes about how stupid, unlovable, incompetent and losery Blart is, making him look like the most pathetically delusional person on the face of the planet. Paul Blart is so lame and stupid and so horrible, when he gets into a fight with a bird, he loses the match. Paul Blart is such a fat loser that he wears shirts that look like curtains.
Our bathroom curtains.
Paul Blart's shirt. See? We didn't lie. (Image Source)
He seems to have no self awareness of how he acts or how others perceive him, which is the primary running joke throughout this film, and never once is it remotely funny. Instead, it's like a long string of witless, tasteless, idiotic, deplorably bad jokes that will make your skin crawl with how far back they set humanity. There's a scene towards the end of the movie where, in a fit of hypoglycemia, Blart gets bukkaked by the pink ice cream from a coddled child's ice cream cone and I have never wanted to vomit so much during a movie in all of my life. I wish we could find a screen grab. Another thing that gets amped up in droves is the number of non-sequiturs shouted seemingly at no one by Blart in an attempt to...what, exactly? We don't even know and we've seen the damn thing! Chicken Chow Lane? More like Chicken Chow Lame. Other than that, it's the identical routine that runs through the first film where Blart attempts to thwart the most intricately planned out robbery by bumbling around and hoping the criminals, despite their physical prowess, all their technology, and their perceived training, somehow manage to become even bigger bumbling fools themselves as soon as they cross paths with Paul, which they inevitably always do. Paul Blart is not alone, though, and this time, he does have assistance from some of the other security guards attending the convention. People who works as security guards in real life should be highly offended at how they are all portrayed in this series. Without fail, every single guard is either fat, ugly, old, or just plain stupid, which shows how the makers of this disgusting movie really perceive that profession. We're not security guards and we're pissed off for them. There are also several 'jokes' about the sex of particular characters. Instead of being called "ma'am," they are called "sir" when there's no possible way this person could have been mistaken for a man. It's filth like this that really grinds our gears and makes us dread seeing films of this nature. Instead of elevating comedy as a whole, "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2" kicks it as far as it can down the ladder and on the road to de-legitimization.

Kevin James has to know this movie is bad. There's no possible way he doesn't unless he's a robot and is incapable of feeling shame and remorse. The only explanation for this movie's existence is the cash grab, but at some point in his life and career, he might want to be taken seriously as a legitimate actor, not just a fat guy who rolls around in a segway screaming nonsensical ramblings at no one and fighting with birds. The first installment made over $130 million dollars, and if that wasn't depressing enough, this movie made $24 million its opening weekend, which is still down from the last one, but it's still close enough to make us shake our heads in disbelief. We didn't come anywhere close to laughing once during this movie, if you can call it a movie at all. In fact, it was a chore to watch, but we went, dragging our feet into an empty theater to do our civic duty in the hopes that this review could, somehow, anyhow, prevent at least one person from viewing this poor, pathetic, and shockingly bad excuse for a motion picture. We're 99.9% certain we'd rather get a lobotomy than be forced to watch this piece of complete and utter bullshit again. To pass something like this off as humorous is to spit in the face of comedy itself. There was a guy who clearly snuck into our empty except for us theater to try and catch this movie for free and it was so bad he left after 6 minutes, as if to say, "this shit isn't even worth my $0." There was a point at which I began taking notes because there were things being done that were so horrible, I felt like I needed to document the exact moment when the joy was being sucked out of my life every so slowly. I literally wrote that in my notes, and I stand by it, because, when push comes to shove, NO ONE should see "Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2." Not on DVD, not in the theater, not ever. We need to let it and every single other piece of crap movie like it die in a fiery rage of disgrace.
Excuse the chicken scratch, it's dark in the theater!
PS: Since the reviews for this film started trickling in, it has consistently been at a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, never so much as coming close seeing the upside of a 1%. That should tell you a lot. And to the critic who said it's truly difficult to not like this movie? You know nothing and you should quit your job immediately because it is absolutely easy to hate this movie.

PPS: Shame on you, Bas Rutten. We know you're friends and training partners with Kevin James, but are people really pay you so little to commentate MMA that you felt the need to be in this movie? We thought you were better than this.

My Rating: 1/10
BigJ's Rating: 1/10
IMDB's Rating: ~4.0/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE TEN PLAGUES!!!

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