Friday, July 24, 2015

Movie Review #286: "Pixels" (2015)

Director: Chris Columbus
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 45 minutes
Image Source
In 1982, NASA sent a probe into space containing many samples of American pop culture, including video footage of the 1982 video game championships. This probe was received by an alien race that took it as a declaration of war. The aliens use samples of old video games to create real life versions of them to unleash an assault on earth. President Cooper (Kevin James) enlists the help of his childhood friend and gamer Brenner (Adam Sandler) and other 80's gaming champions to combat the alien menace.  


Adam Sandler and company are at it again with their cheap exploits in the hopes that we as a collective get so distracted by recognizing beloved video game icons and songs from our childhood that we will forgive and forget how poorly written this movie actually is. We really like the concept of an alien race using video game characters to attack Earth. It's a pretty cool plot, and it would have been intriguing if done right in anyone else's hands. Except for maybe Shia Labeouf's. Of course, "Pixels" was not done right and the movie is just flat out blah and bad. First of all, this movie has cast Kevin James as the president of the United States. Let us repeat that for a second time. Kevin James portrays the president of the United States of America in this movie. You thought you had a problem with Barack Obama or Ronald Reagan? Wait until a man who publicly cannot read, is massive in size and constantly put down about it, and is a gigantic geek on top of having troubles with his wife and is someone who literally cannot understand anyone with a British accent storms the Oval Office. Come back to us when that happens and then complain. Giant alien Pacman, Centipede, and Donkey Kong attacking cities, turning people and buildings into pixels, now that we can buy. But Kevin James as the fucking president?? Now they are asking us to stretch our suspension of disbelief into the realm of unimaginable. Then, there's Adam Sandler, who plays a loser electronic hardware installer this time around. Though his title may have changed, he has really been playing the same character for the better part of the last 20 years. He is flat and lazy with an un-energetic delivery consisting of the insults of a toddler and a slew of sexist comments that would make even the worst menininst cringe. For some inexplicable reason, Josh Gadd, who has been hit or miss for us personally, depending on whatever role he is playing, is in this movie, apparently owing someone at Sony a favor. He is one of the few people in this movie with any semblance of talent, and in this case, even his part is a big miss. His job on screen as Ludlow is to basically scream a bunch of obscenities while falling down or threatening to throw up, all while making making wild conspiracy theory claims, which are supposed to be so ridiculous that they are funny, when in fact, they are nothing of the sort. Finally, we have Peter Dinklage. What the hell are you doing in a movie like this? Peter, since we know you're reading this review, we want to be straight with you: you are a good actor. You are on one of the most successful shows in television history. You command such power when you're on the screen. Why on god's green Earth have you reduced yourself to being in this movie? Is it for the quick cash? Because I will gladly give you all of the money in my wallet to turn back time and prevent you from being associated with this shitstain of a film.

When is Hollywood going to learn that an all-out assault on our sense of nostalgia is worth nothing with a shit team behind it? We are skeptical of anything including Adam Sandler or Kevin James, and "Pixels" is no exception. From the first trailer, it looked like it was going to do exactly what Michael Bay does every 2 years or so with "Transformers": to take something we have always known and loved as children and wreck it. They wreck it so bad, so wholly and completely, it makes us look at our now-tainted memories with disdain. To take something as beloved as Pacman or Donkey Kong and turn them against us? That's just cruel, man. We aren't exactly sure who this movie is trying to appeal to in the first place. The jokes are so juvenile, they were clearly written to appeal to the middle school and under crowd, but no one of that age bracket is going to really get all of the pop culture references being thrown at them unless their parents are awesome (like we would be if we were planning on having children). All of the video game references are obviously for the Gen-X crowd, but none of the jokes appeal to that age group and this group will be the one to notice if a script is poorly written and full of holes, which it is. We sat in the theater waiting for something funny to happen, and at most, we may have cracked a smile once or twice. It wasn't just us either, because in the whole theater for the entire movie, we maybe heard one or two laughs during the entire run time of the film.

Adam Sandler has to know he is a joke now. We have said it before and we will say it again, there's no physical way he doesn't know this. But, unfortunately for us as movie reviewers, he has enough money at this present time where he can now produce and finance everything on his own. When you're your own boss, what's to stop you from continuously wrecking movies, from facilitating the writing of bad screenplays, from the production of sheer and utter drivel? It's one thing to use nostalgia as a reference point, but to fully and thoroughly shit on everything we have known and love from our childhood? Look, we didn't expect anything else from "Pixels." We don't expect greatness from Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Happy Madison, or anyone even slightly in their circle. Do you know why? Because they suck. They straight-up, absolutely, comprehensively, without a doubt, suck. We're tired of writing this constantly, and you're tired of reading this constantly. But, do you know what? We still go. Not us, personally, and yes, while we do technically go to see his movies, we go to review them. We're talking about other people. Good, hardworking Americans with morals and dignity go to see Adam Sandler's movies, regardless of how bad they are, regardless of how much they are panned by critics, regardless of the violation of our memories, people still eat his shit up! And it's MADDENING. Middle America loves Adam Sandler, and we cannot for the life of us figure out why. Nothing about this movie is funny. There are no good jokes to be seen! There is no witty dialogue to be had! There is no outstanding acting is sight! It is just plain wrong. And we are tired of it. This might actually be the last straw for us with Adam Sandler and his movies, but we know he and the rest of his horrible misfit crew will probably be laughing all the way to the bank.

My Rating: 3/10
BigJ's Rating: 3/10
IMDB's Rating: ~4.8/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ~20%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment