Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Movie Review #419: "Mother's Day" (2016)

Movie"Mother's Day"
Director: Garry Marshall
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 58 minutes
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A look into the intersecting lives and relationships of many different people on Mother's day.  

Garry Marshall's "Mother's Day" is a film that tells the story of numerous different characters whose lives intertwine in one way or another on one day in all of their lives. These type of films seem to be habitual for director Garry Marshall, but we're not exactly sure why. The movie has tons of different characters, really far too many to list or give an in-depth description of in one review. Marshall brings together an ensemble cast including the likes of Ashton Kutcher Jason Sudeikis, Jessica Biel Kate Hudson, Hector Elizondo, Julia Roberts, and a slew of many, many other actors who may or may not be good elsewhere, but when placed in a movie with a terrible script, a cheesy premise, and a lack of any sort of feeling, are devoid of any and all chemistry and are unable to deliver their lines with conviction. Marshall even brings in a token musician into the fray, in this case Taylor Swift, who has the acting ability of a flailing stick in the breeze (look, we love you as a musician, but stick to the music, your acting career is awful). This time, in lieu of a musician, we are treated to what is supposed to be an endearing scene by Jason Sudeikis's character as he finally accepts that his daughters, who have lost their mother, might actually want to spend mother's day celebrating her life, and in exchange, buys a bunch of flowers and balloons and a karaoke machine to which he decides singing "The Humpty Dance" with his kids on stage is a fabulous idea.

Like most holidays, there are those who hate enjoy celebrating Mother's day and those who love it are forced to share it with their ex-husband's new wife/are forced to forget about it because their mothers are dead/racist assholes/unknown due to adoption. Being about Mother's day, the central theme is romance and relationships. The film looks into many different types of relationships motherhood, including a story about a pair of star-crossed lovers kids without a mom, a tale of unrequited love a mother being forced to put her baby up for adoption, the exploration of new relationships motherhood as the second wife of a man with kids, and even sometimes unfaithfulness distrust because your mother is a raving racist bigot. There are at least some attempts at humor throughout the film, though most attempts fall flat on their face and are delivered in an awkward, unfunny manner by actors who are just not capable of making dreadful script writing sound even slightly decent. The characters and stories, from an execution standpoint, are so, so bad, and so, so contrived, and so, so boring. This makes this movie as a whole tedious, eye-rollingly stupid, and extremely difficult to watch. We don't care about a single character, we don't care about any of their problems, we don't want to see any of the solutions to their problems, and we just wound up being bored most the time as the minutes seemed to tick by ever so slowly. Since there's no real plot to this movie beyond a day in the lives and relationships motherhood of all these different, connected people, it has to rely on the dialogue spoken between characters and the performances given by the actors and actresses. Neither of these two things are even remotely good. The dialogue is cheesy, poorly written, and sloppily executed, and we know what's coming before the words are even spoken. The acting is either stiff or over-exaggerated, uninspired, and forgettable. "Mother's Day" is ridiculously predictable, and we can't help but think we've seen this all somewhere else, but done in a better, more emotional film. It's called "Love Actually."

By the end of it all, we were so annoyed and insane out of our minds with boredom, we wanted to stick pencils in our eye sockets and ear holes to cleanse ourselves of what we had just witnessed. Garry Marshall, STOP THIS MASSACRE OF CINEMA!!!

If you didn't get the hint between this review and the ones we wrote for "Valentine's Day" and "New Year's Eve," these movies are ALL THE SAME. They all feature an obscene amount of stars (be they A or Z list, relevant or not) with an obscene amount of bad editing (both sound and scene) and obscene amounts of horrendous comedy (involving racist, sexist, ageist, ableist, and weight jokes) and an obscene amount of unnecessary minutes from start to finish. We have copy pasted the exact review 3 times with only minor changes because these movies are ALL THE SAME. Garry Marshall will not stop until he has exploited each and every holiday for his own personal and financial gain, either that or he just enjoys torturing Julia Roberts by including her in his terrible films. Where is his end point? Arbor day? National pancake day (which really could have been this movie since it featured product placement for IHOP)? National masturbation day (which, coincidentally, is my birthday)? Please, for the love of all that is holy in the world of Hollywood, STOP MAKING AND STOP GOING TO SEE THESE PISS POOR ATTEMPTS AT FILM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They just keep getting worse and worse!

My Rating: 1.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 1.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.3/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 65%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!
One year ago, we were watching: "The Age of Adaline"

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