Monday, January 30, 2017

Top 15 WORST MOVIES of 2016!

Hello, movie fans! Welcome to our third annual WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR list, 2016 edition!

Clearly we're late getting this list online, and we apologize, but we wanted to make sure there weren't any other stinkers floating around the cinema as December stragglers are often released in January the following year! All of the movies on this list were seen in the theater with the exception of one and link back to our original reviews (if you're interested in reading them). After much consideration and a whole lot of wasted minutes, here are our picks for the worst movies of 2016!!
15) "Wiener-Dog" (2/10): Director Todd Solondz is only concerned with shocking and horrifying his audience in "Wiener-Dog," and maybe we're not in his target demographic, but either way, his outlook on life is so negative, so cynical, so unimaginably depressing, it makes for a miserable viewing experience. Even with the cutest dog on the planet as its "star," long tracking shots of bloody diarrhea, talks about dog rape, and its ending are not our cup of tea and make this movie "feel like it's wanting and trying so hard to be insightful and profound, yet it feels completely dishonest and facile." No thanks.
14) "Collateral Beauty" (2.75/10): Oscar winners Helen Mirren and Kate Winslet, and Oscar nominees Will Smith, Edward Norton, Naomie Harris and Keira Knightley couldn't make "Collateral Beauty" any less of a vindictive, bitter, steaming pile of disingenuous, flawed garbage. The trailers for this film were insanely misleading, and not in a good way. "This film is the definition of "click-bait." It's shallow, a terrible waste of precious movie watching minutes, and if Helen Mirren can't make it better? You know you're screwed.
13) "When the Bough Breaks" (2/10): "Fatal Attraction" light, but even more terribly paced, even more awfully acted, and way, way more lazy. "When the Bough Breaks" is a boring, lifeless cliche of an erotic thriller. Morris Chestnut and Regina Hall deserve better than this.
12) "The Bronze" (2/10): We say this time and time again when we review movies: dropping F-bombs does not serve as a joke alone. You can't just run around screaming the F-word and expect it to be hilarious. Add this to an already wholly unlikable, mean-spirited main character and absolutely no humor whatsoever and you've got "The Bronze" in a nutshell. There's no redemption to be had here, apart from one scene, and we could barely muster up a chuckle or two even then. 
11) "The Disappointments Room" (2/10): A movie called "The Disappointments Room" is already seemingly doomed to be a disappointment. This film is a turd if we've ever seen one. There's no organic flow whatsoever. The narrative is messy and trite, the acting is bloody awful, and the filmmaker uses cheap, innocuous jump scares, plenty of false foreshadowing, and red herrings to distract from the fact that there's no real movie of substance here. There are no thrills or chills, so it's best to avoid this one.
10) "Nine Lives" (2/10): There has been a surge of the in defense of "Nine Lives" posts recently, and we truly question the sanity of anyone who would defend such a flagrantly awful film. We really said it best in our original review, so allow us to quote it: "If you're like us and what appears to be the majority of sane moviegoers and critics, you see this steaming pile of cat feces for exactly what it is: a veritable pissing contest between two highly detestable characters, a CGI-infested shitshow, and a collective effort on the part of Hollywood to capitalize on the gullible public at large by making a man trapped in the body of a cat the star of this foolish, idiotic, "brainless, dickless, hopeless" dumpster fire of a movie as they laugh at poor suckers like us for falling for their chicanery. Do anything else. Watch paint dry. Get kicked in the privates. Eat worms. Get a root canal instead. We have no idea what possessed Kevin Spacey to make this film, but we hope he has been released from his hostage takers."
9) "Shut In" (1.5/10): Another entry into the "how did this get made?!" hall of fame. "Shut In" is moronic at best, a miserable slog at worst. It's supposed to be a thriller, but there are no thrills to be had. It's supposed to be a mystery, but the mystery is so far removed from anything going on in the rest of the film, it's like it was pieced together from other, better films. It's lazy, simpleminded, dull, inept, full of jump scares, and the twist? DEAR LORD, THE TWIST. We literally laughed out loud in the theater at how bad it is. Naomi Watts used to be someone...
8) "XOXO" (1.5/10): The only non-theatrical entry to grace our list this year. Netflix has been on top of it when it comes to putting out consistent original content. However, not all of it is good. "XOXO" is one of those "not so good" movies. In fact, it downright sucks. "This is a boring, childish movie with no characters we care about, no engaging situations, and terrible acting to boot." Add in zero substance, a hefty dose of gay panic, and atrocious music, and you've got one hell of a miserable viewing experience.
7) "Mother's Day" (1.5/10): Director Garry Marshall passed away last year. It's sad because he used to be a pretty good director. It's a shame "Mother's Day" will be his last project. This movie is the exact same as Marshall's two previous holiday-related films, "Valentine's Day" and "New Year's Eve." "They all feature an obscene amount of stars (be they A or Z list, relevant or not) with an obscene amount of bad editing (both sound and scene) and obscene amounts of horrendous comedy (involving racist, sexist, ageist, ableist, and weight jokes) and an obscene amount of unnecessary minutes from start to finish." Want to know a secret? We literally copy pasted the review for all three of these films and all of them fit for each individual movie. They are that formulaic, and they are that bad.
6) "Bad Santa 2" (1.25/10): We really like the original "Bad Santa." That movie has the right amount of mean nastiness and sexual innuendo. We're all for "too much" dirt and grime a la "Sausage Party" from earlier in 2016, but the dirt and grime in "Bad Santa 2" is never necessary, never fitting, and most importantly, never makes one solid joke. Every single one of the actors involved in this sequel, guaranteed, did this film for a quick paycheck, and it certainly shows. None of the main three characters wind up being likable in the slightest this time around, and the new characters aren't well written enough to make us care about them. This movie is dreadful.

5) "The Other Side of the Door" (1/10): R-rated yet containing minimal to no gore, no nudity, no cussing, and no substance, "The Other Side of the Door" is a criminal failure. It has all the usual suspects: tons of jump scares, plot points that go nowhere, a stupid, pointless buildup that leads to nothing. "It does nothing to distinguish itself as anything other than a dollar store ripoff of a better horror movie. We have seen this movie before, and we hate leaving the movie theater feeling like we've wasted not only our money, but our precious time" as well.
4) "The Darkness" (1/10): 2016 was a fantastic year for horror movies. For example, "Lights Out," "Don't Breathe," and even the surprising "Ouija: Origin of Evil" were all excellent. 2016 was also a really bad year for them too. "The Darkness" is the worst of them all. Full of contrivances (like loud noises, shadows lurking, doors that slam on their own), a choppy narrative, and unlikable characters, its biggest sin is how boring it is, even with what could have been a worthwhile premise in an alternate universe. It takes no chances and offers nothing new, plus, IT HAS KEVIN BACON IN IT. What the hell, Bacon?!
3) "Meet the Blacks" (1/10): "Meet the Blacks" is nearly a scene-for-scene remake of "The Purge," but with a bunch of unfunny jokes thrown in, plus a thousand stereotypes, 'n'-words, and a few 'motherf***kers' for good measure. The point of a comedy is to make audiences laugh, and when a comedy produces nothing but groans and moans and a dozen cameos from Z-list actors who can't even make parody material work, it's utterly painful to watch unfold. It also has some of the worst acting this year. Also, get off our jock, "Meet the Blacks" Twitter account!
2) "Norm of the North" (1/10): This movie is so poorly written, so abysmally animated, and miserably performed it makes silly animated films like "Minions" and "Home" look like "The Godfather" by comparison. We have seen a lot, and we mean a lot of bad movies. We have even complained about wanting to leave the movie theater early because some films are just that bad. "This movie pushed us to our breaking point. We feel slightly broken inside for having sat through it. "Norm of the North" is downright dull, super stupid, lazy and detestable, and not just to parents, but to the three year old kids who will have their intelligence insulted and will get permanent brain damage from watching this at such a young age."
1) "Dirty Grandpa" (0/10): "Norm of the North" claimed the #1 spot on our worst of the worst list for one day. ONE DAY. The day after watching it, we had the dishonor of watching the Robert De Niro-led "comedy" called "Dirty Grandpa," and our lives were forever changed. Never could we have predicted or imagined a movie so terrible, so devoid of wit and humor that we would dare to give it a 0/10...that'll teach us to never say never. Complete with repeat jokes about bestiality, pedophilia, and incest (De Niro's character masturbates in front of his adult grandson on more than one occasion and also repeatedly tries to stick his thumb up his grandson's keister), we didn't laugh once while watching this deplorable piece of trash movie. This film is abhorrent on every single level. It's not because we don't have a sense of humor. We assure you, we do. We love a well made, raunchy sex comedy just as much as the next person, but nothing about this movie merits any sort of reaction other than disgust. It is certainly the lowest of the low, bottom of the barrel, shoddiest, most miserable move of De Niro's professional existence. The fact this movie exists wildly offends us.

To see our list of the Top 10 WORST movies of 2014, click here!

To see our list of the Top 15 WORST movies of 2015, click here!


  1. No Suicide Squad? I really enjoyed The Bronze!

    1. No Suicide Squad. We didn't *completely* hate it, and though we did dislike it, we were much more disappointed with it than anything.