Sunday, September 30, 2018

Movie Review: "The Package" (2018)

Director: Jake Szymanski
Year: 2018
Rating: TV-MA
Running Time: 1 hour, 34 minutes

On spring break, a group of high schoolers goes on a camping trip deep in the wilderness for a little partying and heavy drinking. When one of the members of the group accidentally severs his own penis, it becomes a race against time to get his amputated genitalia to the hospital before it is too late to reattach it.

The Package 2018 Netflix Daniel Doheny Geraldine Viswanathan Sadie Calvano Luke Spencer Roberts
"Why would you not want me to have sex? Sex is amazing!" (Image Source)
If a movie about teenagers trying to get a severed penis to the hospital sounds offensive to you, we say go with that gut feeling and avoid this Netflix original. If you are ok with the subject matter, you may actually have a good time with "The Package." This raucous comedy is directed by Jake Szymanski, who is known for "Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates" and the made-for-TV movies "7 Days in Hell" and "Tour de Pharmacy." It is written by Kevin Burrows and Matt Mider, both of whom wrote the television series "Gentleman Lobsters." This story is about a group of high school kids, including Jeremy (Eduardo Franco), Sean (Daniel Doheny) and Donnie (Luke Spencer Roberts), Jeremy's twin sister Becky (Geraldine Viswanathan) and Sarah (Sadie Calvano). They have a plan to go hiking deep into the woods on their spring break to set up camp for some drinking and wild fun. Drinking and knives are never a good mix, as most of us know. One of the kids in this circle is about to find out first hand the reason why. After getting trashed, Jeremy goes off to take a leak. While relieving himself, he is playing with his newly acquired, extra sharp butterfly knife. When Sean and Donnie briefly distract him, Jeremy accidentally cuts off his own penis. While Becky tries to calm Jeremy down, Sarah and Donnie go off looking for the dick in the woods while Sean tries to find reception so he can call for help. It becomes a race against time to make sure Jeremy and his member get out of the woods and to the hospital before it is too late to put him back together.
The Package 2018 Netflix Eduardo Franco
"Did you think that this flower was somehow magically linked to your penis? This isn't "Beauty and the Beast."" (Image Source)
It is pretty clear from the get-go that "The Package" is a dumb movie. The very premise alone tells you it's going to be loaded with very lowbrow humor revolving around the transportation of an amputated knob. If you hate jokes about sex and genitalia and underage drinking and farts, among other things, you are going to absolutely hate this movie because it is essentially one long, hard, extended, elongated dick joke. *wink* We, however, don't automatically hate cracks like this off the bat. Toilet humor can sometimes be executed in a way that makes us laugh. So we're red-blooded Americans, sue us. As ridiculous as this movie is, we couldn't help but cackle and smirk at the absurdity of it all. We wish we could say we were way too sophisticated to laugh at such blue humor, but we aren't. We're only human, and we did giggle way, way more than we expected to and probably more frequently than we should have. Sure, some of the jokes don't work at all and are eye-rolling and idiotic, but those moments were shockingly outnumbered by the times we genuinely chuckled. There is a lot of physical humor as these imbecile kids, especially Sean, go through a lot of pain to get Jeremy's baloney pony to the hospital.
The Package 2018 Netflix Daniel Doheny Geraldine Viswanathan Sadie Calvano Luke Spencer Roberts
"She flushed my pee-pee like a poo-poo." (Image Source)
There are a lot of gags involving the severed schlong being thrust upon people, so if you aren't interested in seeing a dissevered dong receiving a lot of screentime, again, you should avoid "The Package." If you are like us and that sort of thing doesn't automatically bother you, maybe you will find some humor in this, however small it may be.

My Rating: 5.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 6/10
IMDB's Rating: ~5.5/10
RT Rating: ~50%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?

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