Movie Review: "Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers" (1995)

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Movie: "Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers"
Director: Joe Chappelle
Year: 1995
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 27 minutes

Six years after surviving an attack by her uncle Michael Myers, Jamie Lloyd (J.C. Brandy) is about to give birth to her first child. This child is one a cult of demon worshipers wants to sacrifice for Myers. When Jamie escapes from the cult with her child, she hands it off to Haddonfield resident Tommy Doyle (Paul Rudd), who her mother Laurie use to babysit, for safe keeping. This draws Myers back to Haddonfield to kill the Jamie's baby, just as the town was finally getting over the last string of attacks. 

Horror franchises usually finish early, or they eventually last long enough to become self-parodies. This is most certainly the case with "Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers" and exactly how it feels. "Halloween 5" ended with a mysterious man in black breaking Michael Myers out of prison. "Halloween 6" opens with Jamie Lloyd, now played by J.C. Brandy because the filmmakers weren't willing to pay Danielle Harris' exorbitant asking price of $5,000 dollars to reprise her role, giving birth to her first child, only not in a hospital, but while being held captive by this creepy Michael Myers-worshiping cult. They plan to sacrifice Jamie's child, but she is able to escape with her baby in her arms before they can. This, of course, sends Michael Myers after her and the baby, eventually back to Haddonfield. While on the run, Jamie runs into Tommy Doyle, played by Paul Rudd in his debut film role, and hands her child off to him since she was fatally injured while trying to escape the cult. Doyle was a young child who Jamie's mom Laurie Strode use to babysit back when Myers first attacked Haddonfield. It has been years since Myers has murdered anyone, and the small town of Haddonfield is finally getting over it. The town is getting ready to celebrate again, often joking about Myers by creating effigies outside the Strode family home. Of course, Michael Myers comes back again and goes on a murderous rampage in search of his final heir to finally put a nail in this lineage's coffin (har-har-har). So many of the characters in this film are over the top especially the patriarch of the Strode family John Strode played by Bradford English who is extremely belligerent and almost seems like a caricature. Also Paul Rudd is a bit of an oddball in this and it's almost as if he can't help but to come off sarcastic.

We have not been overly huge fans of the last couple of "Halloween" installments, but this one certainly takes the cake. It's pretty damn boring, and while there are the occasional cool scenes of murder as with all the other movies, overall, it offers less than anything new. There is also some talk about druid cults, Celtic ruins, and Stonehenge, which seems like an odd attempt to connect "Halloween 3" to this film universe, but since people unnecessarily dislike that film, it makes no sense as that film has often been on several "worst horror movies" lists for years. As much of a masterpiece that the original "Halloween" is and continues to be even now, this is a series that long overstayed its welcome, and "Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers" proves it.

My Rating: 4/10
BigJ's Rating: 4.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 4.9/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 6%
Do we recommend this movie: No.
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Two years ago, we were watching: "The Exorcist"

One year ago, we were watching: "Night of the Living Dead"

Movie Review #332: "Burnt" (2015)

Movie: "Burnt"
Director: John Wells
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 40 minutes

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Professional chef Adam Jones (Bradley Cooper) has spent the last 2 years paying a self-imposed penance of shucking one million oysters in New Orleans due to his past drug and alcohol abuse. Now ready to make his comeback, he must first make amends with friends from his past, as well as discover the most promising new talent to work at his new restaurant in London to fulfill his culinary goal of earning his third Michelin star.

So, 2015's version of "The Hundred-Foot Journey," but cast with all white people, plus a movie version of Gordon Ramsay and a bunch of overly dramatic fodder?

"Burnt," which was almost called "Adam Jones" in (dis)honor of its main character (because we all know movies with names as titles do exceedingly well, right "John Carter"???), is this year's "Chef," minus the father-son bonding, plus a huge asshole for a main character. As you can see based on the few films we just referenced, cooking movies are a pretty common occurrence in Hollywood as of late, and "Burnt" seems to share many of the same plot points and even ultimately the main goal as one of them. Both "Burnt" and "The Hundred-Foot Journey" involve a chef who has had some issue with substance abuse and alienation of friends. Both must make amends and learn to work with others again to win their third Michelin Star. Bradley Cooper's character Adam Jones is seemingly inspired by Gordon Ramsey's television antics on shows like "Hell's Kitchen" as he often yells at and berates his staff if they are making or serving anything less than perfection. He will throw plates around the kitchen, toss food out whenever it's not 100%, and even physically attacks a few of his employees at one point. All of this begs the question, if this is what it's like to be a chef, why would anyone want to subject themselves to that sort of life?!

A lot of the film focuses on Adam's road to redemption which feels a little more than overly-dramatic at many points. Jones has a rivalry with a chef he used to work with named Reece, played by Matthew Rhys. There is one scene that seems unrealistically over-the-top when, upon hearing a rave review from a newspaper critic about Adam's new restaurant, Reece destroys all of the tables and dishes in his entire restaurant. Talk about an overreaction. Several portions of this film feel this way, from Adam getting targeted and beat up by the drug dealers to whom he still owes money, to when Adam and Helene, played by Sienna Miller, drop their just purchased fish on the ground during a tender moment's embrace, and some of the more intense food scenes that make "Burnt" feel more like a war zone than a restaurant kitchen. Beyond the theatrics of its drama, this film is a bit poorly paced and feels longer than it is. By comparison, last week, "Steve Jobs" came out and was 20 minutes longer than "Burnt," and yet "Burnt" somehow felt much more tedious and tiresome to watch. Woven into the drama and length is some very disjointed, clumpy storytelling. For one, multiple characters appear and are introduced once, never to be seen or heard from again. Case in point, Lily James, Uma Thurman, and Alicia Vikander are all relegated to one or two inconsequential scenes and have literally no other point to be in this film. These roles could have been played by any Jane, Dick, or Harriett and it would have been the same movie regardless. Other characters are treated as if they might be major players, like Sam Keeley's David, but spend almost the entire movie doing little more than filling out the background ensemble. Really, the main cast consists of the aforementioned Bradley Cooper and Sienna Miller, who lack the viable, necessary chemistry to keep the film running smoothly during its more unnecessary, predictably forced romantic moments, Daniel Bruhl's Tony, who we love and is really the only great thing about this film, and Omar Sy's Michel, a former and present colleague of Adam's. The acting isn't even that great. It's decent enough, but with Oscar nominee Bradley Cooper and Golden Globe nominees Sienna Miller and Daniel Bruhl in your cast, we expected to be at least a little wowed and were severely disappointed. Actually, that's how we felt the entire movie. It's pretty much a cluttered mess of plot points spliced with long sequences of pretty shots of preparing food, folding napkins, and people "mmmmm"-facing after they take a bite of food.

While 29% on the Tomatometer seems like it's a little "way harsh, Tai," "Burnt" is ultimately messy and can sometimes be poorly executed, but it's nowhere near "Jem and the Holograms" bad. This is simply a middle of the road film we'll forget existed in a week's time.

My Rating: 5/10
BigJ's Rating: 5.5/10
IMDB's Rating: ~6.9/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ~29%
Do we recommend this movie: Meh.

Movie Review: "Tourist Trap" (1979)

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Movie: "Tourist Trap"
Director: David Schmoeller
Year: 1979
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes

A group of college age friends on a road trip find an old run-down tourist trap after one of their vehicles breaks down and after one of the members of their group who went for help goes missing. This tourist trap may be the very one their missing friend already visited, getting caught in its deadly snare.  

"Tourist Trap" is a PG-rated horror film from the 1970's and one we have wanted to watch for quite a while, but could never find on Netflix. Of course, PG didn't mean the same thing in the 70's as it does today. There is no nudity or profanity in this film, and in fact, this movie would probably receive a PG-13 stamp due today due to some violence, but that's about it. The director was actually shocked when the MPAA gave the film a PG rating and he believes it hurt the film's box office numbers, though just because a horror movie has a lower MPAA rating doesn't mean it's bad. Hell, "Poltergeist" is one of our all time favorite scary movies and it's rated PG! Despite the more family friendly stamp, "Tourist Trap" does manage to deliver some creepy moments here and there through its immense layer of cheesy 70's throwbacks. The opening scene in particular shows broken down motorist Woody, played by Keith McDermott, seeking out a replacement for his flat tire at a gas station. This scene is quite effective and very tense. It sets the mood for some of the things to come. He heads into the office of the gas station as objects start to move about on their own, showing that something more is going on than simply meets the eye. It's after Woody goes missing that the rest of his traveling companions go to search for him, coming across an old roadside tourist trap. There, they meet the owner of the road side attraction Mr. Slausen, played by Chuck Connors, who offers to help them out. While he goes to look at their car, he leaves them in his museum of animatronic mannequins, which is horrible enough on its own if you're creeped out by them in the first place. Of course, the teens can't stay put and begin to search the property, running into a crazy killer. The killer in this film has a similar look to that of Leatherface, but still manages to be a bit different due to its seemingly telekinetic powers. Slowly, the killer begins to pick off the young adults one by one as they run for their lives and try to seek help any way they can.

As we mentioned, as a PG movie, this isn't all that bloody or graphic, and only a couple of scenes any sort of blood or violence at all. Just because this is the case doesn't mean it isn't effective, because it is, but it takes a while to get to these moments. The filler consists of us sitting in our living room yelling at the television at the teens for being stupid and careless enough to go snooping around A MANNEQUIN MUSEUM. C'mon, gang!! Horror 101!! The dialogue is obviously very dated, as are the style of dress, demeanor, and overall premise for the film, but this doesn't keep "Tourist Trap"from being a moderately entertaining film, even if it is a little predictable.

My Rating: 6.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 6.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ---%
Do we recommend this movie: ---
~~~~~~~~~~
Two years ago, we were watching: "Martin"

One year ago, we were watching: "Hatchet for the Honeymoon"

Movie Review #331: "Steve Jobs" (2015)

Movie: "Steve Jobs"
Director: Danny Boyle
Rating: R
Running Time: 2 hours, 2 minutes

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The discussions that take place between Steve Jobs (Michael Fassbender) and many different people in his life before three major history-defining product launches. 

"The very nature of people is something to be overcome."

Ladies and gentlemen, the third movie about Steve Jobs in 2 years, "Steve Jobs"!!

Taking a different approach than the films that came before it, "Steve Jobs" is not a really a biopic, but rather a character sketch of the man Steve Jobs, played here by Michael Fassbender. It gives audiences a complete idea of who Steve Jobs was both behind the scenes and publicly, as well as what type of person he was without giving a step-by-step thorough the history of either Apple or Jobs' life. If you are looking for something like this, it might be best to look into watching "Jobs," or even excellent the made-for-TV movie "Pirates of Silicon Valley." Though many things that are discussed in the film did actually happen, the manner of how, when, and where they were discussed is most definitely fictional and condensed for the sake of dramatics. This film takes place behind the scenes before three major product launches: the Macintosh, the NeXT computer, and the iMac. Before each presentation begins, people from Steve's past and present come to meet with him to discuss whatever is pressing to them at the time. These people consist of six primary characters each representing a different part of Steve's life. Those characters are: Steve's loyal assistant Joanna Hoffman, played by Kate Winslet, who often acts as a buffer between Steve and everyone else; she helps keep everything in order, running smoothly, and often acts as a voice of reason for Jobs in moments of intense crisis and reflection. Next, there's Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, played quite well by Seth Rogen, who fights constantly for recognition for those who really helped build Apple and also helped keep it afloat while so many of Jobs' pet-projects failed. Third, there's programmer Andy Hertzfeld, played by Michael Stuhlbarg, who often takes a verbal beating from Jobs as he does everything he can to do the programming grunt work that will actually make all of Steve's innovations function properly. Fourth, there's long time Apple CEO John Sculley, played by the dramatic Jeff Daniels, who discusses the business side of Apple and takes us through its ups and downs of what was done right and done wrong. Fifth, there is Steve's daughter Lisa, played by different actresses at different stages in her life, and finally, Lisa's mom Chrisann Brennan, played by Katherine Waterson, who of course represent Steve's personal life and many of his faults as he regularly rejects his daughter Lisa despite there being no doubt she is his. This cast of character vies for Steve's attention in the moments leading up to these product launches, all while the man himself

Quite frankly, when push comes to shove, BigJ and I are not Apple people. We don't subscribe to the Apple way of thinking and never quite got the appeal, other than some flashy marketing campaigns and gizmos and gadgets in all their shiny, new glory. I, however, grew up in an Apple household, working on many Mac computers during my childhood. It might sound crass to say, but we've never really cared for or about Steve Jobs because of this, so you know a movie is well crafted and well constructed when it makes you actually care about someone you'd normally not really think twice about in your day-to-day life. Most of this has to do with the precision-point screenplay, which breathes a new life into the man, the myth, and the legend himself, even if it is dramatized and full of flare. Writer Aaron Sorkin, known for his Academy Award winning screenplay writing on "The Social Network," offers some fast-paced, sharp and wonderfully constructed dialogue that is fully enthralling. Though the movie is two hours in length, we never once felt like it dragged as we were wholly engrossed and locked onto everything happening on screen. There were some scenes in this movie that were more dramatic and action-packed than some of the actual action movies that have come out this year, proving that words can be just as dangerous as swords. Though this writing is fantastic, the film would be nothing without Michael Fassbender leading the way. He is exceptional as the titular man Steve Jobs and puts on an award worthy performance. As the co-founder and front-man for Apple computers, Steve Jobs has almost been deified by many people, yet they often forget what an ego-maniacal, self-centered prick he really was as he demeaned and often berated his employees and his friends. Sure, he was a marketing genius and a shrewd business man of the highest order, but he definitely wasn't the nicest guy in the world and that can be difficult for some to see over their blind devotion to the products he helped pioneer. This movie doesn't shy away from Jobs' low points and sometimes even embraces them in Fassbender's performance, using his gravitas as a weapon for and against those he encounters. Second to Fassbender is Kate Winslet, who is generally great here, but whose only flaw is a less than perfect Eastern European accent. Seth Rogen, as we mentioned, is excellent as Steve Wozniack in this more muted, fidgety performance where he even changed his laugh (which is a good thing, because have you heard him laugh for real?). Though Woz himself has said "accuracy is second to entertainment in a movie like this," he admits a lot of the context might be amplified but resonates the same feelings and expressions he had while fighting with Jobs for the recognition the Apple 2 team deserved.

There is probably a good portion of the population who is simply tired of hearing about Steve Jobs and seeing movies made about him every few years or so. Judging by the opening weekend performance of this film, this is most certainly the case. Whether you love him or hate him, you can't deny the powerhouse he helped create, even if he didn't "put a hammer to a nail." There is no denying that "Steve Jobs" is a film with great performances, stellar directing by Danny Boyle, and writing by Aaron Sorkin that fluctuates between sardonic, tense, and introspective. It is certainly worth seeing from a film standpoint alone.

My Rating: 9/10
BigJ's Rating: 9/10
IMDB's Rating: 7.7/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 85%
Do we recommend this movie: ABSOLUTELY YES!!!

Movie Review: "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" (2005)

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Movie: "The Exorcism of Emily Rose"
Director: Scott Derrickson
Year: 2005
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 59 minutes

A priest named Father Moore (Tom Wilkinson) is put on trial for criminal negligence when a girl named Emily Rose (Jennifer Carpenter), who he believed to be demon possessed, dies while under his care. 

"Based on a true story" is favorite phrase of horror film directors as we saw earlier this Halloween marathon with "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre." Typically it is only in the loosest sense of the phrase, and this is, of course, the case with "The Exorcism of Emily Rose." It is based on a court case that took place in Germany in the 1970's where a pair of priests were put on trial for manslaughter and criminal negligence when a young woman named Anneliese Michel died in their care. If you are interested in the audio of her actual exorcism tapes, they are available on YouTube and are quite scary. Hell, maybe you should play them at your next Halloween party as mood music. This is the first of three films to be based on this case, but is the only one to be theatrically released in the US, and by far has the highest production values. "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" is more of a legal drama than a true horror as the vast majority of this movie takes place in the courtroom. The horrorific moments come from flashbacks that display what is being testified. It often goes from showing Emily's supernatural possession to briefly showing the more scientific explanations brought up in court. Of course, the visuals of these demon possession scenes are very cool and often unnerving as Emily's body twists and contorts into odd positions with weird stretching noises as she babbles in different languages and screams at the top of her/its lungs. Though these visuals are great and eerie to look at, they aren't really anything we haven't seen in other possession films. Emily Rose is played by Jennifer Carpenter and she does a good job screaming a gnashing about while being possessed. Unfortunately, after these cool possession scenes, we are ripped back into an almost dull drudgery of an overly dramatic and unrealistic court room drama. Though we like most of the actors in this movie, they can't really save its pacing issues as these court sequences drag the film to a crawl. Laura Linney plays Agnostic defense attorney Erin Bruner, who must convince the jury that Father Moore, played by Tom Wilkinson, acted properly by choosing a religious treatment over a scientifically-based medical treatment. Conversely, religiously devout prosecuting attorney Ethan Thomas, played by Campbell Scott, must convince the jury that Father Moore was negligent in leaving Emily's well being in the hands of God by encouraging her to stop taking her doctor-prescribed medication. Despite its best efforts to scare the hell out of us, and though these possession scenes are a lot better than we remember them being, there is still a lot of cliché grandstanding where a lawyer will ask a question that is followed by an objection and an immediate response of 'no further questions.' Like we said, these scenes seem to slow the pace down tremendously and don't add to the overall enjoyment of the movie, though a couple of portions of the court case involving tape recorded playbacks of Emily's possession do make for some entertaining moments. Overall, though not a bad movie, there isn't quite enough demon possession craziness to counteract the dull courtroom antics, and we found ourselves wanting a little bit more out of "The Exorcism of Emily Rose."

My Rating: 6/10
BigJ's Rating: 6/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.7/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 45%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?
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Two years ago, we were watching: "Black Sunday"

One year ago, we were watching: "Feast"

Movie Review: "Hostel" (2005)

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Movie: "Hostel"
Director: Eli Roth
Year: 2005
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 34 minutes

Paxton (Jay Hernandez) and Josh (Derek Richardson) are two American friends who have been backpacking across Europe with and Icelandic guy named Oli (Eythor Gudjonsson), who they met on their trip. They receive a tip from a random guy that there is a hostel in a small Slovakian town that has beautiful women that are easy to bed. Their sexual fantasies come true when they meet a pair of pretty girls at the hostel there, but when their friend Oli and others begin disappear without warning, their wonderful fantasy starts to quickly become their worst nightmare. 

"Hostel" is the second feature-length film from writer and director Eli Roth, who has been known as a "horror master" in some circles, though we just assumed he started this namesake. It is also his most well known and financially successful directoral effort. After seeing this film or any of his other movies, besides needing barf buckets nearby, you have to wonder, what the hell is going on in the head of Eli Roth that he can write these vivid, depraved pieces? There are two major themes in "Hostel," which are sex and violence. The first half of the movie focuses in on the sex aspect. Nearly every conversation that takes place in the first portion of the film between any of the characters revolves around sex, from getting it to having it to thinking about it to buying it. The whole reason Paxton, played by Jay Hernandez, and Josh, played by Dereck Richardson, headed to the little Slovak town they were alerted to by a stranger is for the promise of sexual exploits with hot, sexy women. Of course, "Hostel" takes a dark turn as sex leads to eventual violence, and when we say violence, we mean very graphic, very disturbing violence, the kind that not everyone can handle. As it turns out, these attractive women run a scam where they seduce men, drug them, and sell them to wealthy business men from around the world to be tortured and killed in sometimes weird, sometimes bizarre manners.

"Hostel" is successful at playing on our worst xenophobic fears. Instead of being adventurous travelers, this movie has the ability to make us ready to lock ourselves in our safe little houses far away from unfamiliar situations and people that will surely lead to our demise. We wouldn't want to fall asleep at a hostel and wake up strapped to a chair and have some bored millionaire cut through our Achilles tendons with a scalpel and then dare us to run away. Just thinking of this scene gives us violent shivers and makes us a little queasy, though when it comes to horror that's a good thing. This movie has a lot of scenes and parts that will straight up disgust and totally unnerve you, and in this aspect, it works at getting audiences invested. Some of the violence in these scenes are a little too tough for easily queasy viewers, though this is to be expected with all of Roth's films. "Hostel" is completely reliant on these torture scenes in the latter portion of the movie which, as we mentioned, are very effective. Sure, the acting is bad and the story isn't exactly intriguing or thought-provoking (even though Roth has a penchant for trying to be so), but it is a movie horror fans can enjoy watching so long as they can stomach the visuals.

My Rating: 7/10
BigJ's Rating: 7/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.9/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 61%
Do we recommend this movie: ---
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Two years ago, we were watching: "A Nightmare on Elm Street"

One year ago, we were watching: "Saw II"

Movie Review: "Ju-On: The Grudge" (2002)

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Movie: "Ju-On: The Grudge"
Director: Takashi Shimizu
Year: 2002
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 32 minutes

A deadly curse is passed from person to person stemming from a single violent act in a house, making whoever enters it a mark for certain doom. 

"Ju-On: The Grudge" is a Japanese horror movie about a curse that gets started when someone is killed in a fit of rage. The story in this film is told through a series of non-sequential vignettes. Each of these little shorts are connected by characters or locations that intertwine between the stories. Each segment begins with the character's name, the first part being about a social worker named Rika, played by Megumi Okina, who is instructed by her work to go to a home to take care of an elderly woman. While cleaning, she sees a cat, which leads her to a boy locked in a closet, which is actually the ghost of the boy who was killed there. Shortly after this, Rika encounters another spirit, this time a female who inflicts the Ju-On upon her. The rest of the segments continue on in a similar manner as we mentioned above, out of chronological order, though often they overlap between characters and places visited.

This isn't a film with strong dialogue by any means. When push comes to shove, the plot isn't even that great or strong, either. Almost all of the mood and intrigue from "Ju-On" comes from imagery set up through these interconnected stories. It is all about the creepy visuals of little ghost children, loud noises, and ghastly faces with sullen eyes. Each of the ghosts has a pale white or grayish appearance, a style of ghost that has continued to be used by other filmmakers since this film came out. In fact, the Japanese version of "The Grudge" even inspired a straight remake from America, as well as countless other films that use similar plot points and imagery, too. The filmmakers here do succeed in creating some eerie ghost story moments with some decent jump scares, but overall, we were left wanting a little more from this movie, especially since the hype surrounding it was and has since been very high. To us, it doesn't live up to the hype and isn't as effective as other recent notable horrors like "The Babadook" and "It Follows."

My Rating: 6.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 6.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.7/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 64%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?
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Two years ago, we were watching: "Twixt"

One year ago, we were watching: "The Cabin in the Woods"

Movie Review #330: "Jem and the Holograms" (2015)

Movie: "Jem and the Holograms"
Director: Jon M. Chu
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 58 minutes

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When shy teenager Jerrica (Aubrey Peeples) makes a video of herself singing as her alter ego Jem, her sister Kimber (Stefanie Scott) secretly uploads it to YouTube. The video immediately goes viral, leading to a development deal with Starlight Records, but record executive Erica Raymond (Juliette Lewis) has a different vision for Jem than Jerrica, causing conflict between her and her sisters/band. 

More like "Jem and the Failograms."
Or "Jem and the Flopograms."
Or "Jem and Earth to Echo."
UGH.

BigJ and I seriously considered breaking our "see every major movie released this year" streak and were this close to not seeing "Jem and the Holograms." The internet had a collective meltdown when the first trailer for this "film" got released because, while it might borrow the same general makeup / band concept /namesake from the beloved 80's cartoon, almost everything else isn't even close to being truly outrageous. And by the way, we say "film" in quotation marks above because it's really not a "film" at all, it's a third-rate YouTube video spliced together to make...whatever the hell it was we just watched. So, hesitantly and questioning our own sanity, we pulled ourselves up from our whiny britches and sat through this suck-fest all so you wouldn't have to. Once again, #YoureWelcome.

Our expectations for this movie were lower than low based on the aforementioned trailers, which portrayed Jem and the Holograms as teeny-bopper Miley Cyrus wannabes with a horrible karaoke soundtrack behind them and a "trying too hard to be like the cartoon" makeup and dress style. All of our fears and preconceived notions of what this film could have been were fully realized upon watching the final product. This movie is exactly what you'd expect provided you don't live under a rock and have seen any promotion for the film (which, by the way, was a ridiculously hard campaign and subsequent failed viral marketing attempt): it's a cliché-filled, contrived, stereotypical and standard music movie with a quick rise to stardom and the ~*dramatic~* crash to reality. A camera-shy Jerrica, aka Jem, played by Audrey Peeples, lives with her sister Kimber, played by Stefanie Scott, her aunt Bailey, played by ancient 80's relic Molly Ringwald, and Bailey's two foster/adopted daughters Shana, played by Aurora Perrineau, and Aja, played by Hayley Kiyoko. Kimber, Aja, and Shana like to goof around in their rag-tag "band" and make music videos. When Jerrica as Jem sings a heartfelt song on Kimber's camera, Kimber takes it upon herself to upload the video to YouTube, and overnight, Jem becomes a viral sensation, which apparently is the second best kind of being famous?? Yeah, that's an awesome lesson to teach already the bratty and undisciplined children of 2015, "Jem and the Holograms"! Spend more time with your faces buried in your phones, so long as it makes you ~*internet famous~* just like the water skiing squirrel from like 100 years ago. Could they have dug up an older, less relevant meme? You're gonna go with water skiing squirrel, not sneezing panda? Or Doug the Pug? Are you even trying at all????!!!

Within 2 minutes of the movie, we wanted to leave. Between the inexplicable scene 30 seconds after the credit roll where Aunt Bailey walks in the door with groceries, sees the girls fighting, and immediately shouts, "GIVE ME A 'C'!!" and all the girls start idiotically harmonizing, the overuse of the word "OUTRAGEOUS!" because it was from the cartoon, and the PopChips/Kettle Chips product placements in painfully obvious sight, we knew we were in for a long 2 hours. And also, why the hell was this movie 2 hours long?? At maximum it should have been an hour and a half. So, after Jem's video goes viral, an evil record executive, in this case Erica Raymond (oOoOo, they added an "A" at the end of her name so it could be played by a woman!!!!11~!`~), played by Juliette Lewis, tries to corrupt and exploit Jem and her band of sisters who no one really wanted to sign but were forced to tag along on the journey to keep Jem happy and yet for some reason she was surprised when Erica wanted her to sign a solo contract in order to get a monetary advance to save Aunt Bailey's house WHAT????????????????? This simple, overused plot about a band being corrupted by a sinister, corporate record company is intertwined with a few concert-like musical performances (if you can call them performances since they were clearly auto-tuned to shit and had no real instruments regardless of the fact that the band plays instruments) and multiple "Pretty Woman"-esque fashion montages, all wrapped around an unnecessary romantic plot line involving Jem and Rio, played by CVS brand actor Ryan Guzman, who has been tasked to watch Jem and her sisters and make sure they stay out of trouble. Of course, they don't listen and end up on a scavenger hunt led by "Earth to Echo" ripoff 51N3RGY, a robot Jerrica and Kimber's dad put together before he died because he wanted to leave them with something to remember him by, well, not them, just Jem, because their dad basically couldn't give two fucks less about Kimber and never mentioned her existence once until the very last line he utters at the end of the movie. This dopey scavenger hunt includes the usual "don't forget the importance of family" message, unless, of course, one of your daughters is better than the other one.

This movie was doomed from the start. All of this splicing gets spliced again and again and again and again with more and more clips from YouTube videos of dancers, singers, musicians, and huge fans of Jem/moderate fans of the Holograms in a virtual clip show pander-dome to the tween crowd and their parents, who will be just as miserable as we were watching this garbage. To be clear, what we watched wasn't a movie. What we watched will be the latest item that gets used to torture prisoners during wartime. What we watched should be immediately burned and buried once it leaves the movie theater, which will be soon judging on its legendary floptastic performance its opening weekend, never to be spoken of again. What we watched was a bunch of young girls getting disparaged by an adult for being who they were, how they acted, and how they dressed and told to reinvent themselves because of what society might think would make a mysterious, appealing pop band. Another super excellent message to send to young girls! What we watched was a bunch of girls on a scavenger hunt with a robot and laughable, poorly written lines like "music isn't something that can be put into words." We can't make this shit up. That's exactly what music is, dummy!!! What we watched was these assholes referencing The Everly Brothers in an effort to legitimize their own mediocrity. What we watched made us shake our heads in awe at how far Hollywood was willing to go to poop all over nostalgia. If you thought "Transformers" was bad, guess again because "Jem and the Holograms" makes that franchise look like "Star Wars" compared to it. This movie needs to die, and we mean this politely from the bottom of our hearts.

PS: Please stop trying to make Ryan Guzman happen. If Ryan Guzman is in your movie, chances are, it will be a flop since he has been in 2 of the worst movies of the year, the first being "The Boy Next Door." 

My Rating: 2/10
BigJ's Rating: 2/10
IMDB's Rating: 3.0/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 20%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

Movie Review: "The Shining" (1980)

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Movie: "The Shining"
Director: Stanley Kubrick
Year: 1980
Rating: R
Running Time: 2 hours, 26 minutes

Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) is hired as The Overlook hotel's winter caretaker.  He hopes this job will allow him to work on writing his novel. He must live in the hotel with his wife Wendy (Shelley Duval) and his son Danny (Danny Lloyd) completely isolated from October to May. As the weeks go by, the isolation and the hotel's torrid past begin to drive Jack insane.  

This is our third and final review for a film based on a Stephen King novel this Halloween season (not planned, it just happened this way!). Though Stephen King wasn't fond of Stanley Kubrick's take on "The Shining," we personally love it. We can't see it being made any differently with anyone else and being as successful as what wound up on screen in this 1980 version. This film takes place in the Rocky Mountains of Colorado at the very isolated Overlook Hotel. Like we have mentioned in a few other reviews, horror films love the idea of using isolated locations as settings. This isolation is particularly important to a film like "The Shining" where mood is so crucial and vital. Being cut off from the rest of the world is a major factor in Jack's descent into madness. This film is visually stunning and masterfully directed, even though we haven't always been fans of Kubrick's works. The imagery that runs throughout the story, coupled with its simplistic yet terrorizing story, is nothing short of brilliant. It creates a tense and unnerving overall mood and one we think the movies of today should strive to achieve.

Now, as great as these visuals are, "The Shining" wouldn't be half as good as it is without the performances of Jack Nicholson, who plays Jack Torrance, and Shelley Duvall who plays Jack's wife Wendy. It is these two performances that really make this movie despite what anyone else may have you believe. Nicholson's face is perfect and ideal for a man who spirals into a murderous psychosis after months of isolation and just the right dose of disaster from his personal life. A lot of it has to do with his eyebrows that naturally come to a devilish point. When he moves his face in certain directions, it really sell his sinister thoughts and inner mental state. Jack Nicholson also has the ability to go from calm, cool, and charming to an intense ball of rage at the drop of a hat. He really shows why he is one of the finest actors of his generation in this film. Of course, Jack needs a good actress to compliment his acting, and Shelley Duvall offers just that. We really don't think she receives her proper due for the excellent performance she delivers in this film. Wendy is calm and demure and she definitely has some uneasy feelings about her husband. She's willing to do whatever she needs to in order to protect her son Danny from her husband. Once Jack's murderous desire start to come out, Duvall sells Wendy's frantic fear extremely well, and you can also see her inner conflict of needing to protect herself versus her apprehension for hurting her husband on her face. The scenes where she is running in the show, or scream bloody murder, or dragging Jack's body across the floor, you can tell the physicality of a role like this from a mile away for both Duvall and Nicholson, who does his fair share of running through mazes and chopping down doors.

Over the years, this film has become iconic and is recognized as one of the greatest horror films of all time. We definitely agree and don't honestly see why or how anyone can hate it. Sure, it might be a little long and is definitely an investment time-wise, but the stellar acting, brilliant dialogue, near perfect directing, amazing soundtrack, and flawless imagery make "The Shining" legendary.

My Rating: 9.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 9/10
IMDB's Rating: 8.4/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 91%
Do we recommend this movie: ABSOLUTELY YES!!!
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Two years ago, we were watching: "Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight"

One year ago, we were watching: "Blood Feast"

Weekend Box Office Results: October 23rd, 2015 - October 25th, 2015

"The Martian" rockets back to the #1 spot as all five new films fail to bring the bucks

*all numerical information provided by boxofficemojo.com

In a very uneventful weekend at the box offices, Ridley Scott's space survival adventure "The Martian" reclaimed the #1 spot, pulling in $15,900,000, showing better than all five of the new wide release movies. This brings its domestic total to over $166 million. Dropping to #2 is this week, switching positions with "The Martian," is the spooktacular family comedy "Goosebumps," which earned $15,400,000 in its second week out, bringing its 10 day total to $43.7 million. Retaining its #3 spot from last week is the Steven Spielberg/Tom Hanks Cold War drama "Bridge of Spies," which brought in another $11,365,000, bringing its 10 day total to $32.5 million. The only new release of the week to make the top 5, coming in at #4 with $10,825,000 is the Vin Diesel-led "The Last Witch Hunter," showing that audiences only care about him when he is either Fast or Furious. Finally, finishing out the top 5 this weekend was another spooky family comedy in "Hotel Transylvania 2," which maintained its spot from last week and added another $9 million to its $148 million domestic total. "Jem and the Holograms," another new release, was nowhere to be found in the top 10, coming in at #15, proving Hollywood needs to quit while it's ahead when it comes to rebooting, remaking, and ruining nostalgia.

		This Week	Domestic Gross
1	The Martian	$15,900,000	$166,355,148
2	Goosebumps	$15,500,000	$43,712,142
3	Bridge of Spies	$11,365,000	$32,581,197
4	The Last Witch Hunter	$10,825,000	$10,825,000
5	Hotel Transylvania 2	$9,000,000	$148,292,542
6	Paranormal Activity: The Ghost  Dimension	$8,200,000	$8,200,000
7	Steve Jobs	$7,267,095	$9,979,903
8	Crimson Peak	$5,563,260	$22,454,035
9	The Intern	$3,855,000	$64,702,882
10	Sicario	$2,950,000	$39,385,547

**See you at the movies!!**

Movie Review: "Pet Sematary" (1989)

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Movie: "Pet Sematary"
Director: Mary Lambert
Year: 1989
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 43 minutes

Dr. Louis Creed (Dale Midkiff) moves into a new town with his wife Rachel (Denise Crosby) and his two kids Ellie (Blaze & Beau Berdahl) and Gage (Miko Hughes). Their new home is located off a rural highway that is a thoroughfare for big rig trucks, which tend to speed down the road. A slight walk from their house is a "Pet Sematary," and just beyond is an Indian burial ground that has the power to return the dead to life. After a tragedy strikes the Creed family and Louis learns of the burial ground's powers, his attempt to save a loved one may bring dire consequences.

Master of the horror novel Stephen King penned both screenplay for this film and the novel on which it's based. The northeastern United States is a favorite setting for Stephen King horrors, and "Pet Sematary" is no different as it's both shot and takes place in a rural town in Maine. Small rural towns are a heavily used setting in horror films as the feeling of isolation adds to the scare factor of the film. "Pet Sematary" eases into its horror aspect as it builds up slowly to its climactic moments. It spends the majority of the film setting a certain mood and introducing the audience to the settings and the characters, like Dr. Louis Creed, played by Dale Midkiff, his wife Rachel, played by Denise Crosby, and their kids Gage, played by Miko Hughes, and Ellie, who is played by twins Blaze and Beau Berdahl. The Creed family neighbor also gets introduced early on: Jud, played by Fred Gwynne, who most will know as Herman Munster from "The Munsters," plays a pivotal role when it comes to the Pet Sematary itself,. Aside from the graphic aftermath of a car accident early on, there isn't a whole lot of gore until the very final scene, not that this means the film is devoid of horror elements, because it does have them as the ghost of this car accident victim plays an important role and looks rather ghastly. There is also talk about Rachel's insane sister, who suffers from spinal meningitis and has a quite unsettling appearance that haunts her nightmares. Oh, and of course, there is the cat that died and came back to life. Super creepy. ***SPOILER ALERT*** The movie doesn't really go into full gear until one of the Creed family kids gets killed, when said individual is hit by a truck, stricken with grief Louis does the unthinkable and buries them in the Indian burial ground, which can bring the dead back to life. Kids are creepy enough, but an undead kid in a dapper little top hat carrying a scalpel as he giggles maniacally is straight up, downright terrifying. This final sequence with Gage has an excellent, unsettling mood and tension, plus, it's quite creepy. ***END SPOILER ALERT***

All this being said, the movie does have its flaws. It's not overly long, and yet feels like it is poorly paced due to the decision to focus on setting and character building for a long portion of the film. Some of the acting seems cheesy looking back on it, but overall, "Pet Sematary is a decent Halloween watch as it finishes strong, has a lot of good imagery, and banks on the expert writing of Stephen King to be effective enough.

My Rating: 7/10
BigJ's Rating: 7/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.6/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 43%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?
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Two years ago, we were watching: "MST3K: Manos: Hands of Fate"

One year ago, we were watching: "White Zombie"

Movie Review: "Frankenstein" (1931)

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Movie: "Frankenstein"
Director: James Whale
Year: 1931
Rating: UR
Running Time: 1 hour, 10 minutes

Henry Frankenstein (Colin Clive) has discovered a way to reanimate dead tissue. He has constructed a body from the corpses he and his assistant Fritz (Dwight Frye) have dug up from a graveyard. When the brain he puts in his monster (Boris Karloff) turns out to be abnormal, it makes his creation unstable and prone to violence. 

It's really fun to go back and watch the old Universal monster movies, especially since I grew up in a household where they were staple of our fun Halloween spirit. "Frankenstein" is based on Mary Shelley's novel of the same name. When we say 'based on,' we mean loosely based on the novel, almost more inspired by. There were many changes made from the book to movie, including the name of the Frankenstein himself mainly done to appeal to 1930's American audiences. In this version Colin Clive plays Henry Frankenstein, a doctor who has made a groundbreaking discovery. He has uncovered how to bring life back to the dead, a task he has become obsessed with over the years almost to the point of madness. Clive portrays this part in a manner where we believe he has actually been driven crazy with obsession and sells his part fully. It isn't until after he brings his creation to life that he discovers his assistant Fritz, played by Dwight Frye, accidentally gave Frankenstein an abnormal brain to put in the creature, played by Boris Karloff. Though Colin Clive has a rather memorable performance and delivers some very memorable and iconic lines, it's the Monster himself that is the one think people remember the most, which his lurching figure, his wobbling stance, and his menacing scowl.

The makeup work of Jack P. Pierce is nothing short of amazing and incredible. His design for Frankenstein's monster has become iconic over the decades and is a look that has become synonymous with the character. It's really every bit as good as any makeup job you may see even today and has held up well even 84 years later. Boris Karloff does an outstanding job in bringing this large, menacing, but also greatly sympathetic and misunderstood monster to life in a performance for the ages. The monster is unnerving when he's angry as we never quite know his next move and whether he will be frightful or fearful. We as the audience feel compassion for the monster when he meets his eventual fate. The setting, sounds, and sights of "Frankenstein," when combined with some stellar direction by James Whale and the aforementioned excellent, unforgettable performances by Karloff and the like, make this a truly wonderful classic film we urge everyone to watch.

My Rating: 9/10
BigJ's Rating: 8/10
IMDB's Rating: 8.0/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 100%
Do we recommend this movie: ABSOLUTELY YES!!!
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Two years ago, we were watching: "Saw"

One year ago, we were watching: "Dead Silence"

Movie Review: "The Devil's Rejects" (2005)

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Movie: "The Devil's Rejects"
Director: Rob Zombie
Year: 2005
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 47 minutes

The murderous Firefly family goes on the run with an accompanying killing spree when they are forced from their home by a police raid. Leading the manhunt is Sherriff John Quincy Wydell (William Forsythe), who will go to great lengths and stop at nothing to avenge the murder of his brother by the Firefly family. 

"The Devil's Rejects" is the sequel to Rob Zombie's directorial debut "House of 1000 Corpses." It was that debut film where Zombie introduced the maniacal Firefly family to the world. In the first film, we saw this family torture and kill a group of college kids, and this sequel picks up a short time later. It actually has a vastly different tone than that of the original, which seemed to draw inspiration from films like the original "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre." This go around is more like a 70's grindhouse version of "Natural Born Killers" minus all of the pesky social commentary. Much of the same cast reprises their roles from the first film: Bill Mosely plays the sadistic Otis, Sherry Moon Zombie, who probably wouldn't get much work if she wasn't married to Rob Zombie, returns as the twisted Baby, Matthew McGrory comes back as the deformed giant Tiny, Leslie Easterbrook replaces Karen Black as the Mama Firefly, and Sid Haig returns as gas station tourist trap clown Captain Spalding, who turns out to be the sinister patriarch of the Firefly family. Missing from the film is "House of 1000 Corpses" killer of legend Dr. Satin, whose scenes in this film wound up on the cutting room floor. After a brutal, frantic, and violent police raid at the Firefly farm, Mama Firefly is taken into custody and Otis, Baby, and Captain Spalding go out on lam. Hunting this family is Sheriff Wydell, played by William Forsythe, who wants vengeance for his brother, someone the Firefly family murdered in the previous film. Sheriff Wydell is willing to do whatever it takes to put them behind bars and isn't the most morally upstanding character himself. He is willing to take the law into his own hands, even if it means torturing and even killing to get his revenge. He even seems to enjoy and get pleasure from dishing out this violent punishment, which really doesn't make him much different than those he's hunting, but we digress. The missing moral compass from all of these characters makes it horrific knowing there are people out there in the world who could really do the things shown on screen, and isn't that just as impactful as any other ghost or goblin tale?

Unlike a lot of sequels, this one we actually enjoyed. The acting isn't all that great, especially the acting of director Rob Zombie's betrothed and hellish bride Sherry Moon Zombie, which, let's face it, is downright awful. Some of the acting lends to some cheesy delivery, but the film is effective none the less. The grainy grindhouse feel sets a great mood and its very graphic nature provides for a really gruesome film. Its violence and gore make this less of horror in the traditional sense. It is a solid sophomore effort by Rob Zombie before he sunk his teeth into remaking "Halloween."

My Rating: 7/10
BigJ's Rating: 7/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.9/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 53%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?
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Two years ago, we were watching: "Jack Brooks Monster Slayer"

One year ago, we were watching: "The Monster Squad"

Movie Review #329: "Goosebumps" (2015)

Movie: "Goosebump"
Director: Rob Letterman
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 43 minutes

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Zach (Dylan Minnette) has just moved from New York City to Madison, Delaware with his mom who is looking for a change of scenery after Zach's father's death a year prior. While unpacking, Zach meets Hannah (Odeya Rush), who lives next door. Her father is very reclusive and keeps her shut in most of the time. One night after hearing an argument and a scream from Hannah next door, Zach and his new friend Champ (Ryan Lee) break into his neighbor's house to discover a book shelf full of "Goosebumps" original manuscripts and that their neighbor is actually author R.L. Stine (Jack Black). What they don't know is the books are magical, and when they open one, they accidentally release its monster into the world. When Slappy the Ventriloquist's book accidentally gets unlocked, he makes it his mission to burn all of Stine's books, leading all the monsters to be released, unleashing their terror on the small town. 

This film has been marketed pretty heavily for a while, and when we first saw the trailer for it, we weren't the slightest bit thrilled or impressed by it. Going into "Goosebumps," we had tepid expectations and figured it would be just another bummer of a kids movie. Fortunately for us, we were very pleasantly surprised by how much we liked this movie! Its trailer did not do it any justice at all because this is a really fun for people of all ages. It is the perfect family friendly film to get everyone in the right mood and spirit for the Halloween season. It combines just the right amount of frights with a whole lot of comedy and a smidgen of heart thrown in for good measure. Though the plot might be seen by some as a pretty generic action adventure for kids, its premise is different and allows for a whole array of monsters created by real life author R.L. Stine in his books.

The cast is actually very good here. Dylan Minnette plays Zach and puts on a solid performance as the main hero character. We have seen and liked him act in a few other places and expect great things from him in the future if he keeps it up. Odeya Rush plays Zach's love interest Hannah and is convincing in this part. The "heart" part of the movie we mentioned above has to do with her character and we really found her acting to be quite good. Much of the laughs come from Ryan Lee, who plays Champ. His clear purpose in the film is to be the comedic sidekick. Though he is a bit of a scaredy-cat, even when he's frightened, he keeps the jokes coming in some truly laugh out loud moments even for us adults. Of course, Jack Black plays R.L. Stine and does his typical fun, over-the-top Jack Black thing, this time in a sinister voice instead of his excitable, high pitched one. Black might not look like Stine in real life, but we believe he captures the spirit of Stine just fine enough to get by. He and Hannah live next door to Zach, but you'd never know it because they keep to themselves. When Zach and Hannah are caught talking, one of the first things Stine says to Zach is, "Get out of here or the last scream you hear will be your own!" SO CREEPY! Together, these characters must put a stop to Slappy the Ventriloquist's reign of book-burning terror. Once Slappy burns a book, the character is locked into our world forever with no real way to get sucked back into the book from where it came. Zach has the bright idea to write a new story that will lock all the monsters away for good, though this might have some unintended consequences for someone close to him later.

"Goosebumps" turned out to be a super fun monster-themed family adventure film that is an enjoyable ride from start to finish. Of course, this doesn't mean it is perfect as some of the CGI is a little hit or miss. While sometimes it can look a little cartoony, like the Werewolf monster, other times, it looks really cool, like when the monsters are getting sucked in and out of the vortexes of the books, as well as some of the bigger, scarier monsters like the preying mantis. It's not all CGI, though, as Slappy the Ventriloquist and many other later resurrected creatures use practical effects and makeup to achieve their desired scares. Despite the mishmash CGI, in the context of this film, it didn't really hurt our enjoyment of it that much as we were always entertained and laughing. It's nice to have a good time when you go to the movies, even if it's a film intended for kids. "Goosebumps" is very fast paced, and once the action gets started, it doesn't take many breaks, so if you are the type to take a leisurely stroll to the potty at some point during a movie's run time, it'd be best to do it before a book is opened, because once the beast gets unleashed, it doesn't stop for anything or anyone. This will most certainly be a movie we'll buy and watch on Halloween to get us into the spirit early in the day before we break out the adult R-rated horror movies.

My Rating: 7.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 7.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 7.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 71%
Do we recommend this movie: Yes!

Movie Review: "Zombie Lake" (1981)

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Movie: "Zombie Lake"
Director: Jean Rollin
Year: 1981
Rating: NR
Running Time: 1 hour, 30 minutes

A group of Nazi soldiers that were gunned down and buried in a lake rise from their graves as zombies and wreak havoc on a small French countryside town. 

"Zombie Lake" is a low budget French horror film...well, at least the movie claims it's a horror. In reality, it's more like softcore skin flick with a few brief moments of dialogue and tons of badly made up zombies who just happen to be wearing Nazi uniforms. The film opens with a young woman walking up to the lake, stripping fully nude and sunbathing while the credits roll. Some time later, she then decides to swim in the lake, though there is a giant no swimming sign right where she stands complete with a skull and crossbones. Always a good idea! After quite a few minutes of her frolicking around naked in the water, a zombie with clearly pruny fingers attacks her and drags her below the water to her demise. This is kind of a reoccurring theme throughout this movie where women in various states of undress get attacked by these zombies over and over again with no real substance to it other than the fact that they were once just recently naked. The makeup in this film is rather atrocious and looks like what a 3rd grade trick-or-treater with free, full access to his mother's makeup drawer would wear on Halloween. The zombies are basically done up in green face and body paint with a couple of over-the-counter CVS brand scars and really fake looking blood. The movie is incredibly, painfully slow paced and it feels unbelievably long despite it being only about 90 minutes. By far, though, the worst part about this movie is its audio. It's not even fun or funny in an ironic way. Add this to some bizarre lighting choices where the same scene will go from bright lighted to dimly lit at the drop of a hat. There is one scene in particular where it appears a light blew out on set and the filmmakers just kept rolling because they couldn't afford to do another take. All of this is only matched by its horrible dialogue, which clearly had to be looped in post production since it doesn't match up with the mouths of the actors. The volume changes drastically from one scene to next, going from whisper quiet to painfully loud. The story is ridiculous and nonsensical even for a zombie flick. Just about the only part this movie is some unintentional laughs at how incredibly bad everything about this movie is, and even those are few and far between. There are a small percentage of people who will be able to sit through this only to laugh at its absurdity, but 99% of the people who see this probably won't make it more than 15 minutes into its run time before they turn it off and decide they have wasted enough of their life on it. Us, however, we enjoy torturing ourselves with shit-fests like "Zombie Lake," and it is more certainly one of the worst films we've seen from a technical and practical standpoint.

My Rating: 2/10
BigJ's Rating: 2/10
IMDB's Rating: 2.9/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ---%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!
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Two years ago, we were watching: "Poltergeist"

One year ago, we were watching: "Maniac"

Movie Review #328: "Crimson Peak" (2015)

Movie: "Crimson Peak"
Director: Guillermo del Toro
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 59 minutes

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Edith Cushing (Mia Wasikowska) is an aspiring writer and the daughter of Carter Cushing (Jim Beaver), a wealthy, self-made businessman. When a British baronet named Thomas Sharpe (Tom Hiddleston) comes to the states looking for financial backing to revive his family's clay mining business, Edith is quickly enamored by his charm. Her father disapproves of Thomas, but after a tragic accident befalls Carter, Edith marries Thomas and moves to his family estate, Allerdale Hall, in England where she will live with Thomas and his sister Lucille (Jessica Chastain). Soon, Edith realizes this place is shrouded by secrets and death, and her new husband and his sister may not be quite what they seem.

We are huge fans of Guillermo Del Toro, always have been. Though the marketing for "Crimson Peak" was misleading, billing it as much more of a horror-driven film, it is actually more of a gothic romance with ghosts that just happen to be in it. Our expectations were obviously pretty high because of our affections toward del Toro's previous works, even though we try to go into movies with a clear head and conscience, and though the film was not what we expected it to be, it is still a really great movie. This is a visually stunning film, as all of del Toro's works are, with wonderful sets, costumes, and special effects. But, the beauty of "Crimson Peak" is not limited to its visual spectacle. There is a good horror mystery surrounding this dark love story.

Mia Wasikowska plays Edith, an aspiring writer who seems headstrong and very independent. She doesn't really have much of an interest in love or trysts with men. She is completely fine being single, that is, until she meets Thomas Sharpe, played by Tom Hiddleston, though who can blame her? It's Tom Hiddleston. Their short courtship leads to marriage once tragedy befalls Edith's father as she packs herself up and heads to England to live with her new husband and sister-in-law. Almost from the very beginning of the movie, we know Thomas and his sister Lucille, played by Jessica Chastain in one of the more sinister roles she's ever played, have ulterior motives when it comes to Thomas' interest in Edith. Though Lucille is wary of Thomas choosing Edith as a mate in particular, what the Sharpe kids don't know but the audience does is that Edith can see and hear ghosts. Until moving into the Shape estate, Allerdale Hall, Edith only ever saw one ghost: the ghost of her mother, who repeatedly gave her cryptic messages the few times she appeared, leaving Edith shaken to her core. Once in the hall, she seems them more frequently. These ghosts are eerie, haunting, and gruesome, and yet somehow manage to stay alluring in their look. The CGI implemented for the ghosts in this film is nothing short of great. Once moved into Allerdale Hall, the Sharpe family's old, rundown mansion with red clay oozing from the floors and walls, Edith finds out it is located at Crimson Peak, dubbed this name because of the way the snow turns red in the winter because of the clay in the ground. The imagery of the clay seeping through the openings of the house, oozing through cracks and ceilings, the way the wind flows through its corridors, as well as how the decaying mansion settles and creaks constantly, it makes it feel like Allerdale Hall itself is breathing, bleeding, and has a soul, and in a way, it does. Edith is soon confronted by the many ghosts of this estate as it has a troubled past, one Edith hopes to eventually uncover. Del Toro, as always, captures these images beautifully as he has a wonderful cinematographic eye. We have come to expect no less from him, and his signature stellar visual style comes through in almost every shot. Though their estate is decaying, it does so in a gorgeous manner dripping in a stark juxtaposition between dark, brooding colors on the outside and bright red bloody ones inside.

Jessica Chastain steals the show here as Lucille Sharpe, who never fully seems likable or trustworthy in the slightest. Donning a British accent and darker hair, her wickedness is only offset by her creepiness. Tom Hiddleston does a wonderful job as Thomas Sharpe, slick and conniving and yet earnest and compassionate. Mia Wasikowska is fine as Edith, though her character goes from being a headstrong and fiercely independent writer to little more than a wife and shut-in. Charlie Hunnam, who Guillermo del Toro has used in the past, still hasn't quite captured a knack for the American accent, even after 7 seasons on the television show "Sons of Anarchy." He plays Doctor Alan McMichael, someone who has always admired Edith from afar and senses something is off with Thomas Sharpe when he rolls into town. Together, this cast performs well with what they are given.

Now, if you are a fan of the modern Hollywood jump-scare ridden formulaic horror movies like "The Lazarus Effect," "Ouija," "Annabelle," "The Woman in Black 2," and others like these, "Crimson Peak" is not the film for you. But, if you like the more classic ghost stories of yore wrought with mystery, romance, and intrigue, "Crimson Peak" might be as fun for you as it was for us. Others have complained about how formulaic, trite and lengthy this movie feels, but to us, it breezed by its run time and we were engaged almost always. Even though this is more of a Gothic romance with ghosts interwoven into the story than a straight horror movie, it still has a few graphic, very brutal death scenes to appease fans of gore. One scene in particular that is both unbelievably violent yet artistically beautiful at the same time. Some call Guillermo del Toro overrated, and we don't understand why this is the case, and if it is, shouldn't directors like James Cameron, Steven Spielberg, and Terrence Malick be called the same? Each director has their own niche, and del Toro is no exception. "Crimson Peak" might not be what we were expecting, but it's still certainly worth watching.

My Rating: 8/10
BigJ's Rating: 8.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 7.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 70%
Do we recommend this movie: Yes!