Saturday, January 23, 2016

Movie Review #368: "Dirty Grandpa" (2016)

Movie"Dirty Grandpa"
Ticket Price: $9.75
Director: Dan Mazer
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 42 minutes
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After the death of his wife, Dick Kelly (Robert DeNiro) tricks his straight-laced, soon to be married grandson Jason (Zac Efron) into to driving him to Florida for spring break.

The impossible has been achieved.

The movie we were sure would have a long, unbroken run as the worst of 2016 has been dethroned, the record decimated in one day. 24 hours is all it took for the reign of "Norm of the North" and its horrible animation to come tumbling down at the hands of none other than the steaming pile of excrement known as "Dirty Grandpa." We are humiliated and ashamed to say we sat through this movie in its entirety, and it took everything we could, every ounce of strength in our bodies not to walk out at least a dozen times. This sentiment doesn't hold true for the rest of the crowd in the theater with us as at least three out of the six other people in the same screening straight up walked out of the theater less than halfway through this atrocity. We sat in shock and horror watching this movie and didn't hear one single, solitary, miserable laugh. There wasn't so much as a giggle or a chuckle from a single person in the theater, including ourselves. BigJ and I expected to laugh at least a little bit, but this shockingly unfunny cesspool of depravity had no humor to be seen, none. In an hour and 42 minutes, we had nothing even close to resembling a snicker, opting reflexively to hang our heads in utter shame, our jaws dropped in shock, flabbergasted by what we were witnessing transpire on the gigantic silver screen in font of us.

Robert De Niro's character, Dick Kelly, is abhorrent, and this is putting it nicely. Seriously, Max Cady from "Cape Fear" is a more likable character than Dick Kelly. What the hell possessed Robert De Niro to take this role? We're seriously asking, because we honestly have no idea. Could he need the money that bad? And what's worse, if this is the case, could he not automatically tell this film would be a complete and total flop with the potential to sign the death certificate on his drowning mess of a shambled ruin of an otherwise illustrious career? It is certainly the lowest of the low, bottom of the barrel, shoddiest, most miserable move of his professional existence. It's almost as if he didn't even read the script and simply agreed to it and was then contractually obligated to uphold his end of the contract. It's as if De Niro didn't even read the scene in which his grandson Jason, played by Zac Efron, walks in on him masturbating and keeps going until he is finished without a second thought. It's almost like De Niro didn't understand just how many times he had to stick his thumb up his grandson's butt within a 102 minute screenplay. We understand why Zac Efon takes roles like this because he thinks he is the next up and coming comedy actor even though he's astoundingly unfunny. Efron, since leaving "High School Musical" and the Disney channel behind, has been going through a downward spiral in both his career and his life, culminating in this flaming turd of a movie after we didn't think it could get any worse from him. He should thank his lucky stars each second of the day that he is considered 'Hollywood attractive,' because without his good looks, he would be mopping vomit off a McDonald's bathroom floor. Efron has the charisma and comedic timing of a tree stump. Together, he and De Niro sink both of their careers to a new low in a movie devoid of chemistry, wit, and smart comedy, but full of cliches, cringes, and eye-rolls. We are embarrassed for every actor attached to this film.

Let us tell you, our disgust has absolutely nothing to do with watching a legendary actor like Robert De Niro degrade himself for the enjoyment of assholes everywhere. We like raunchy sex comedies as much as the next people, but there's a difference between most raunchy sex comedies and "Dirty Grandpa," and that is what it considers humor. Is this is what comedy has come to today? Is implied pedophilia what people find funny? Are constant and gross rape jokes, overly offensive gay jokes, and allusions to and photographs of bestiality what some want to laugh at in 2016? Is an old man sticking his phallus in his sleeping grandson's face or jamming his thumb up his grandson's rear end really comical? Director Dan Mazer should never be able to make movies again and should be promptly be banned from Hollywood after this uncomfortable and obscene violation of cinema. John Phillips' script should have never seen the light of day and he should never be allowed to write again; even though this was his first screenplay, it should be his last, and knowing Phillips is writing the screenplay for "Bad Santa 2" makes us think twice about going to see it even though we liked the original. How does a movie like this make it through so many stages of development and nobody, not one person, thought twice to say, "you know what? Maybe we shouldn't have a child try to grab Zac Efron's penis while his dad is oblivious to it from afar in a simulated pedophilia joke." We are beyond offended and upset at "Dirty Grandpa," not only because of its absolutely tasteless jokes that only a sociopath would find funny, but because of its very existence.

My Rating: 0/10
BigJ's Rating: 0/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.8/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 6%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

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