Friday, January 22, 2016

Movie Review #367: "Norm of the North" (2016)

Movie"Norm of the North"
Ticket Price: $9.75
Director: Trevor Wall
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hours, 26 minutes
Image Source
When Greene development company decides to build condos in the Artic, Norm (Rob Schneider), a polar bear with a unique ability to speak to humans and understand their language, travels to New York to make sure this doesn't happen. 

Watching the teeth pulling scene in "Bug" on repeat.
Having a root canal while being forced to listen to Nickleback.
Having our eyes forced/wired opened a la that scene in "A Clockwork Orange."
Being chained to a bed "Misery" style.

All of the above sound like better ways to spend an afternoon than to spend it watching "Norm of the North."

What can we really say about a movie like this? This is a picture that was originally intended for a straight-to-DVD release. It should have stayed that way because it most certainly shows within the first minute the movie gets started. We have never seen a theatrically released film look as shockingly crude as "Norm of the North." The animation quality looks like something you'd park your kids in front of on a Saturday morning, something you'd find and play on the foreign version of PBS just to get your kids out of your hair for a couple of minutes so you can have some downtime. We aren't sure what studio executive screened this film and thought, "Wow! This is a movie that deserves a theatrical release!" because there's no way in hell it should have been green-lit for the silver screen. Really, we think the studio just saw a gap in the January schedule and thought, "hey, there are no other kids movies out right now, so if we shove this abomination of a film in here, at least someone somewhere will see it." If by someone somewhere you mean literally zero people in a medium-sized theater in one of the top 10 major metropolitan cities in America. Rob Schneider should be so proud of this accomplishment.

Listen up, studio heads. We're about to get real since we know you're reading: THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO MAKE A MOVIE. Seriously, stay woke. "Norm of the North" is so poorly written, so abysmally animated, and miserably performed it makes silly animated films like "Minions" or "Home" look like "The Godfather" in comparison. The movie is content to sling poop, pee, and fart jokes around like they are going out of style. Lemmings pee in fish tanks, birds poop on people's glasses, and there is even an elongated fart scene that lasts just under one painful minute. Norm and his Lemmings dance around the screen for no reason other than to fill time due to the film's clear lack of content. Moreover, some of the jokes in this movie are just downright offensive. We as human adults aren't just offended at the jokes, though, we are offended at the lack of respect the makers of this movie have for today's kids. To think that putting on a flashy outfit means Norm has just "come out"? Complete and utter drivel and every single level imaginable. Oh, and kids will just love the Phish joke! Joke after dreadful joke slogs by this movie's incomprehensible 1 hour, 30 minute run time to the point where we wanted to leave the theater 10 minutes into it. "Norm of the North" then randomly beings to offer up a shoehorned in pro-nature, anti-urban sprawl message with a level of subtlety usually reserved for religious propaganda movies like "Left Behind" or "Kirk Cameron Saves Christmas." As very pro-nature, 'help save the environment' kinds of people, even we thought it was browbeating.

We have seen a lot, and we mean a lot of bad movies. We have even complained about wanting to leave the movie theater early because some films were just that bad. "Norm of the North" has pushed us to our breaking point. We feel slightly broken inside for having sat through this film. After all was said and done, we're not even sure it was worth the review, because in exchange, we not only have we given $19.50 to support this abomination, not only have we wasted an hour and a half of our lives that we'll never get back, but we have also given small pieces of our soul away by watching this movie in the theater. Martin Scorsese should be embarrassed that he was name-dropped here and should sue for defamation of character, and as much as we love the band Walk the Moon, they should be ashamed of themselves for having their smash hit "Shut Up and Dance" inserted into an oozing cesspool of a movie like this. "Norm of the North" is the first guaranteed lock of the new year for our worst of the worst list, and at the moment, we're hard pressed to think of a film that could potentially be worse than this obscene violation of kids and adults alike. This picture is downright dull, super stupid, lazy and detestable, and not just to parents, but to the three year old kids who will have their intelligence insulted and permanent brain damage from watching this at such a young age.

My Rating: 1/10
BigJ's Rating: 1/10
IMDB's Rating: 2.3/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 0%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

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