Monday, August 8, 2016

Movie Review #467: "Nine Lives" (2016)

Movie"Nine Lives"
Director: Barry Sonnenfeld
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 27 minutes
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A business-obsessed father must learn to truly understand what his family means to him when his spirit gets placed inside the body of a cat after a freak accident.

"Nine Lives" is a family comedy directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, who is known for directing the "Men in Black" trilogy, as well as "The Addams Family" movies. His latest offering, for some inexplicable reason, somehow stars the fantastic Kevin Spacey, who plays Tom Brand, a self-centered, egotistical businessman who never has time for his family. On his daughter's 11th birthday, an unforeseen accident drops his soul into the body of her new cat and his actual body in a hospital bed after he falls into a coma. Tom must now learn the importance of family, or be stuck in the body of this cat, named Mr. Fuzzypants, forever. If "Nine Lives" sounds like your basic, formulaic body-switching movie, that's because it is. It doesn't get much simpler than this. You could call this atrocity "Click" meets "The Shaggy Dog" meets "Look Who's Talking Now." Joining Kevin Spacey in a cast far too good for a dump like this are Jennifer Garner as Tom's neglected wife Lara, and Christopher Walken as Felix Perkins, the owner of what would seem to be a karmic magic pet store where self-centered people (like Tom) are turned into cats to learn life lessons. Tom's entire goal pre-feline "Freaky Friday" is to make sure his giant phallus-shaped building is the biggest building of them all in the northern hemisphere. He also has to make sure his company isn't sold out from under him through an IPO by his douche-canoe of a subordinate coworker, oh, and then there's that pesky thing about being a better father and husband who actually gives a hoot about his family! This ridiculous concept has been done better elsewhere and is only the slightest bit tolerable because of Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken.

This has got to be one of the stupidest damn movies we have ever seen. This movie so stupid, we may have lost IQ points just by thinking about watching it. Most of it focuses on the aforementioned CGI cat pouring on the slapstick and barfing out the visual gags while Kevin Spacey offers a snarky voice-over as only Kevin Spacey can. "Nine Lives" is the equivalent of watching a 90 minute YouTube cat video, but half as funny, nowhere near as cute, and twice as insulting. This is a film that will only appeal to the youngest of kids, leaving the accompanying adults simultaneously hating themselves for being in the theater and pissed off that they wasted the money. Though the innuendo and horrid jokes may be a bit much for this PG-rated fare, these lines of dialogue will go over the heads of the younger audience, but we sure as hell noticed them. No subject seems safe from the clutches of the writers of this abomination as tasteless jokes about office place shooting rampages, husband castration, and child cell phone builders go relatively unchecked throughout the film's run time. There are a few lines of dialogue that would not have worked in the slightest had they not been delivered by the bizarre, lunatic fringe that is Christopher Walken.

As human beings walking and breathing and living and existing on the same planet, we don't want to live in this world if there are people out there who enjoyed the movie "Nine Lives." If you are one of the one people who enjoyed this film, it's not in anyone's self interest to disclose that you did, so bury the sentiment deep, deep down within yourself and never breath a word of it to anyone. If you're like us and what appears to be the majority of sane moviegoers and critics, you see this steaming pile of cat feces for exactly what it is: a veritable pissing contest between two highly detestable characters, a CGI-infested shitshow, and a collective effort on the part of Hollywood to capitalize on the gullible public at large by making a man trapped in the body of a cat the star of this foolish, idiotic, "brainless, dickless, hopeless" dumpster fire of a movie as they laugh at poor suckers like us for falling for their chicanery. Do anything else. Watch paint dry. Get kicked in the privates. Eat worms. Get a root canal instead. We have no idea what possessed Kevin Spacey to make this film, but we hope he has been released from his hostage takers.

My Rating: 2/10
BigJ's Rating: 2/10
IMDB's Rating: 3.5/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 4%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

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