Movie Review: "Bright" (2017)

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Movie: "Bright"

Director: David Ayer
Year: 2017
Rating: TV-MA
Running Time: 1 hour, 57 minutes

A Los Angeles police officer and his orc partner must prevent a magic wand from falling into the hands of an evil elf that wants to summon the Dark Lord back to earth.

If you've ever wondered what it would be like if "The Lord of the Rings" was actually a modern day crime thriller, look no further than "Bright." The film is directed by David Ayer, who is known for directing movies like "End of Watch," "Fury," and more recently, "Suicide Squad." It is written by Max Landis, who besides being the son of famed director Jon Landis has written screenplays for "Chronicle," "American Ultra," and "Victor Frankenstein." "Bright" stars Will Smith as Los Angeles police officer Daryl Ward, and Joel Edgerton as his orc partner Nick Jakoby. This original story takes place in a universe where orcs, centaurs, elves, fairies, and humans have all lived on earth together for the entirety of its history. Elves are wealthy and high class and seem to run the world. Orcs, on the other hand, are often discriminated against and are seen as little more than criminals and thugs. Nick is the first orc on the police force and none of the other cops are happy about him being there, including his partner Daryl. One day while on patrol, the two discover a magic wand, and though it can only be wielded by a 'Bright' (a magic user), everyone wants to get their hands on this mystical item which they see as something that will make their dreams come true. Now, Daryl and Nick have to keep it out of the wrong hands and away from an evil elf named Leilah, played by Noomi Rapace, who wants to summon an ancient Dark Lord back to earth for some reason.

If you're a long time reader of our movie reviews, you'll know we are huge fans of fantasy films. We are also fans of original works that are not sequels, prequels, reboots, reimaginings, etc. "Bright" is both of these things, and its universe is an interesting one. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem very well thought out. This is a world where elves, orcs, centaurs, and humans have lived together since the beginning of time. Despite this, the movie "Shrek" still exists, and considering how orcs are viewed by society in this alternate timeline, that film would be more of a hard-hitting social commentary than a pop-culture laden comedy. Also, the battle at the Alamo exists as well, which make us wonder if all major historical events are exactly the same in this universe as well as our own. Were any presidents ever elves? What was the Civil War like? How about westward expansion? Did Christopher Columbus slaughter and displace centaurs instead of Native Americans? What are the native continents of elves, orcs, and centaurs? Another thing we noticed it the word "fairytale" is thrown around a lot to refer to a fantasy, though fairies are very real things and are viewed as pests by most humans. Maybe we're thinking about it a bit too much, but the point is, it's something we noticed instantly, which means writer Max Landis appears to be more concerned with providing pop-culture markers for viewers instead of concentrating on making a well-written script. The biggest problem in this film is not the weird universe and its unclear history, but the overall poor pacing and disjointed narrative. It seems to borrow part of its storyline from "Zootopia." Nick is a stand-in for Judy Hopps, but unlike that Oscar-winning animated feature, "Bright" fails to deliver any meaningful social commentary or convincing character arcs. All of these things are set up and meant to parallel racism and prejudice in our own society, but not enough is done to really elaborate on these ideas. Those behind the scenes seem to use racism and prejudice as a point of contention between Daryl and his partner Nick and little else.

At its core, "Bright" is about two characters learning to work together while chasing a magic MacGuffin around an alternate Los Angeles while fending off an underdeveloped villain we don't care about who has a convoluted plan that feels meaningless. Sure, there are some cool visuals from time to time, but a sometimes entertaining spectacle is not a substitute for a solid story. For us, the slow pacing, odd tone, goofy dialogue, over the top acting, and messy story take away from what could have been a really great, meaningful, enjoyable flick. There are a lot of interesting ideas here, but they aren't fully realized in a significant way. Of course, it is free on Netflix, so there isn't much risk in seeing it for yourself if you are already a subscriber to that service.

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My Rating: 4/10
BigJ's Rating: 4.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.6/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 29%
Do we recommend this movie: No.

Movie Review: "The Greatest Showman" (2017)

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Movie: "The Greatest Showman"

Director: Michael Gracey
Year: 2017
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 45 minutes

The story of P.T. Barnum and his rise from poor family man to a wealthy showman and how he created his now world-famous circus.

"The Greatest Showman" is a movie based on real people, but it is a biography only in the loosest sense of the word. It should really be viewed as a fictional musical whose characters happen to share names with real individuals. In all honesty, we doubt anybody went to see this movie looking for a history lesson. We're sure they just wanted flashy lights, memorable songs, and frilly costumes, and who can blame them?! "The Greatest Showman" serves as the directorial debut of Michael Gracey and is written by Jenny Hicks and Bill Condon, who is known for other musicals like "Chicago" and "Dream Girls." The film stars Hugh Jackman as P.T. Barnum, the founder of what would eventually become the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus. Joining him is Michelle Williams as his wife Charity, Zac Efron as his partner Phillip Carlyle, Rebecca Ferguson as famed singer Jenny Lind, as well as Zendaya, Keala Settle, Sam Humphrey, and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, who make up the various performers in Barnum's circus. In the film, Barnum grows up poor and struggles to make ends meet as he tries to take care of his family. After being laid off from his bookkeeping job, he decides to open a museum that will put on display all sorts of natural oddities and probably some unnatural ones to boot. What starts as a shrine to dead odd things quickly turns into a lively and raucous daily show featuring music, dance, acrobatics, and many, many different looking people.

First and foremost, "The Greatest Showman" is a musical. The number one thing a musical needs to have is good music. Luckily, this film contains some terrific toe-tapping tunes, a couple of exposition-heavy serious songs, and a few heartfelt romantic ditties as well. For the most part, the songs are memorable enough that they will stick with you as you leave the theater. As a story, "The Greatest Showman" forgoes an accurate portrayal of historical proportions in order to tell a more socially relevant, grandiose tale, delivering a message of inclusion and acceptance for all people. Hugh Jackman offers a commanding performance, and with his musical theater background and existing experience in theatrical musicals, he was the perfect choice for the lead role of P.T. Barnum. His charisma shines through each and every moment of the movie and allows the audience to forget for a brief moment that the empire P.T. Barnum built was actually pretty damn terrible. Zac Efron gets a chance to remind everyone who forgot that he once starred in "High School Musical" and is an exceptional singer. He has an excellent, authentic romance with Zendaya, who is also a splendid singer and does well in her role. This is not to say that being a great singer was a requirement to be part of this film as Rebecca Ferguson had all of her singing dubbed by "The Voice" contestant Loren Allred. Though all of these performances are wonderful, the best musical moment comes from Keala Settle's performance of "This is Me," a song about not hiding in the shadows and being proud of who you are. Now, on to the negatives. Despite how enjoyable the music is and despite how great the performances are, the narrative of "The Greatest Showman" is very flimsy. It's clear that it is not a tightly written story as it aims to simply fill time in between musical numbers. Also, even though the movie isn't very long, it does start to drag a bit due to this lack of a real story and an absence of anything but surface-level characters.

There's a good chance "The Greatest Showman" will please crowds looking for a few songs to dance to and a couple of flashy outfits to gaze upon for two hours, but it may leave some a little disappointed. It can feel more like a collection of music videos than a more engaging story with deeper meaning.

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My Rating: 7/10
BigJ's Rating: 6/10
IMDB's Rating: 8.0/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 54%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?

Movie Review: "Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle" (2017)

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Movie: "Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle"

Director: Jake Kasdan
Year: 2017
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 59 minutes

A group of high school students serving detention discovers a video game called "Jumanji" that, when being played, sucks them into its jungle universe. The only way to get out is to win the game.

It has been 22 years since the release of the original "Jumanji." Despite being critically panned, that movie found great success at the box office. We have to wonder why it took so long for a sequel to be released, and it turns out, it actually didn't. The 2005 film "Zathura" was a spiritual sequel to "Jumanji," and though it received a better response from critics, it was a box office flop. Now, enough time has passed and Hollywood believes it is now able to retool "Jumanji" for a whole new generation. It doesn't hurt that this long-oft sequel has an all-star cast including the likes of Dwayne Johnson, Kevin Hart, Jack Black, Karen Gillan, and even Nick Jonas. The movie picks up right where the original left off with the Jumanji board game washed up on a beach. A man jogging finds it one day and gives it to his son, who promptly asks the question, "who plays board games anymore?" In an effort to survive, the magical board game transforms into a video game which, when being played, sucks the player into the world of Jumanji. Now, decades later, four students who are very different from each other named Spencer, Fridge, Bethany, and Martha, played by Alex Wolff,  Ser'Darius Blain, Madison Iseman, and Morgan Turner, find themselves serving detention at their high school. They discover the Jumanji video game in the basement, play it, and get sucked into the jungle world of Jumanji. Also, instead of being brought to this world as themselves, they have morphed into the bodies of the avatars they selected when starting the game. The only way out of this strange land is to win the game before they each lose all three of their lives.

We weren't exactly huge fans of the original "Jumanji," so it's not surprising that we weren't excited to see this sequel. We are happy to say we wound up enjoying "Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle." Director Jake Kasdan manages to create a very fun sequel that is actually better than its predecessor. This is due in large part to its stellar, energetic cast. Each actor does a splendid job in their respective roles. Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson may look like a hulking adventurer on the outside (his name is Smolder Bravestone), but on the inside, he is actually the nerdy hypochondriac named Spencer. Johnson is charming as always, and much like the rest of characters gets to play a little against type. Giant football player Fridge gets stuck in the body of Kevin Hart, which allows Hart to really lean into his self-deprecating but arrogant and sometimes obnoxious comedic style that has made him the star he is today. Jack Black gets to play Bethany, the social media-obsessed self-centered teenage girl who is now stuck in the body of a middle-aged overweight man. As cooky as it sounds, it's downright hilarious at times, especially when Jack Black has to teach Karen Gillan how to flirt with all her might to save their butts. And speaking of Karen Gillan, she gets to be the scantily clad stereotypical female video game character on the outside while being Martha, a modest, introverted feminist on the inside. This leaves room for important social commentary in an otherwise lighthearted popcorn flick. Other key figures in the movie include the aforementioned Nick Jonas as in-game character Alex, and Rhys Darby as Nigel, the group's non-player character driver. Bobby Cannavale also stars as the primary antagonist Van Pelt, which brings us to the biggest issue with the film. He's a completely disposable video game villain who is actually easier to defeat than it seems. Cannavale mainly stands around with a weird CGI'ed eye and has bugs crawling in and out of his ears, nose, and mouth manically shouting at his henchmen. He's a pretty boring villain, but hey, at least he was in a movie that was a hit this year, right?

"Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle" was a huge surprise for us. The story itself is simple, but Kasdan and his team of five writers manage to integrate elements from video games that play out in a really entertaining way on screen. Add that to the fantastic chemistry of the leads, an excellent selection of music, and a couple of truly memorable scenes and this flick winds up being a whole heck of a lot of fun despite needing to be about 10 minutes shorter.

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My Rating: 7/10
BigJ's Rating: 7/10
IMDB's Rating: 7.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 77%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?

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Movie Review: "Jumanji" (1995)

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Movie: "Jumanji"

Director: Joe Johnston
Year: 1995
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 44 minutes

A kid finds a board game that, once it is being played, brings the fictitious and dangerous jungle world of Jumanji to life.

Board games are fun group activities, but what if playing one meant you'd be accosted by animatronic animals and poorly CGIed monkeys? Oh wait, those were supposed to be real animals! This is the concept for the 1995 family adventure film "Jumanji." It is directed by Joe Johnston, who is known for directing films like "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids," "The Rocketeer," and "Captain America: The First Avenger." It is based on the 1981 children's picture book of the same name by Chris Van Allsburg. The story begins in the late 60's where a bullied kid named Alan Parrish, played by Adam Hann-Byrd, finds a unique board game called "Jumanji" at a construction site. After an argument with his father about being sent to boarding school, he is fixing to run away until his crush stops by his house to see him. The two sit down to play the game not knowing it is actually magic. On Alan's turn, he is sucked into the game. 26 years later, a sister and brother named Judy and Peter Shepherd, played by Kirsten Dunst and Bradley Pierce, find the game, and when they begin to play it, Alan, now played by Robin Williams, is released from the game along with a bunch of other wild animals and dangerous jungle vegetation. In order to make the madness go away, they must finish the game that was started 26 years ago.

For some people, "Jumanji" may be a classic film held in high regard because they remember it fondly from their childhood. For us, it is one we sort of enjoyed in our youth but never really connected with or understood the fuss about even back then. We thought we would give it another watch prior to the release of its sequel, "Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle." It turns out, "Jumanji" is just how we remembered it: a middle of the road family adventure film. The premise is interesting and the execution is decent, but the special effects are extremely dated, especially the aforementioned CGI monkeys. We have a hunch they didn't even look that great back in 1995 when the movie was released. Robin Williams does an okay job as the older Alan Parrish, but he doesn't get a lot of room to let his comedic repertoire shine apart from his initial appearance as a crazy jungle man. Dunst and Pierce spend the entire movie shrieking about the various creatures hunting them down during each turn, so is it a compliment if we say they do it well? The movie does get a little repetitive as it consists of characters rolling the dice, then having to run, rolling the dice, then having to run, rolling the dice, then having to run, rinse, lather, repeat until the credits roll. It's a simple story with a very flimsy narrative, though it does wind up creating some interesting existential question about existence and the overall power of the Jumanji game. In the end, "Jumanji" remains somewhat enjoyable, but is mostly just another mid-90's mediocre family adventure film. We can name a dozen movies we loved as kids that are much better than this one.

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My Rating: 5/10
BigJ's Rating: 6/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.8/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 50%
Do we recommend this movie: Meh.

Movie Review: "A Christmas Horror Story" (2015)

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Movie: "A Christmas Horror Story

Director: Steven Hoban, Brett Sullivan, and Grant Harvey
Year: 2015
Rating: NR
Running Time: 1 hour, 39 minutes

An anthology of four loosely connected Christmas-themed horror stories.

Nothing says Christmastime quite like a good holiday-themed horror flick. The movie "A Christmas Horror Story" tells four tales from three different directors named Grant Harvey, Steven Hoban, and Brett Sullivan. One story is about a trio of teens named Dylon, Ben, and Molly, played by Shannon Kook, Alex Ozerov, and Zoe De Grand Maison, who are investigating an old murder at their high school. Next, there is a tale about a couple, played by Adrian Holmes and Olunike Adeliyi, who go to cut down a Christmas tree but lose their son in the process. When they find him, he looks the same as always, but there is definitely something different about him. Then, there's a story about a family going to visit their wealthy aunt for Christmas. Instead of a nice, sweet visit, they are really going to see her to try and butter her up for some money. Grandma tells the family about the legend of Krampus, who this naughty family may soon meet. Finally, there is a story about Santa, played by George Buza, who must face down an army of zombie elves at the North Pole. Oh yeah, all of these stories go on while William Shatner plays a radio DJ who is supposed to connect the tales more than they already are.

"A Christmas Horror Story" does not tell each story individually in order, but rather jumps between them giving viewers a little snippet of each at a time. This might be alright if every story was super engaging and well constructed. Unfortunately, we only liked one of the stories. This break-up in the narrative causes the pacing to drag to a halt. We wind up sitting through a long, boring stretch of time only to jump to a dull piece of a different story until we finally jump to the interesting piece of the movie, only to be thrust back into a bland story just as the good one was getting interesting. If the film featured four narratives told in a linear fashion, it may give the audience more time to invest in and focus on each of the characters from each of the stories and not rip us out of it just as it was getting good. The stories really aren't connected enough to justify this broken storytelling, especially since none of them even wind up fully connecting. The only part of "A Christmas Horror Story" worth watching is when Santa faces off against the zombie elves, which is fun, wholly entertaining, and has a brilliant, twisted ending. As only one-fourth of the movie is really great, that leaves three-fourths of it to wallow in mediocrity. This could have been a lot better, but apart from the zombie elves, none of it is even that memorable.

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My Rating: 4/10
BigJ's Rating: 4/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.7/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 78%
Do we recommend this movie: No.

Movie Review: "The Long Kiss Goodnight" (1996)

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Movie: "The Long Kiss Goodnight"

Director: Renny Harlin
Year: 1996
Rating: NR
Running Time: 2 hours, 1 minutes

A teacher with amnesia is confronted by her mysterious and dangerous past when she appears as the belle of a local Christmas parade. After footage of her gets on TV, old enemies who thought she was dead come to find her.

A deadly assassin with amnesia who has to unravel the mystery of their past and face off against the government agency they once worked for. Of course, we are talking about "The Bourne Identity," ...wait, actually, we're not. We are talking about a movie that came out six years before "The Bourne Identity," and that is "The Long Kiss Goodnight." This film is written by the Christmas-obsessed Shane Black, who is known for writing and/or directing films like "Lethal Weapon," "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang," and "The Nice Guys." It is directed by Renny Harlin, who has helmed action movies such as "Die Hard 2," "Cliffhanger," and "Cutthroat Island." The film stars Geena Davis as Samantha Caine, a school teacher who can't remember anything before eight years ago. She has a daughter and a live-in boyfriend and leads a normal life. All that changes after she is seen on television in a Christmas parade by some old enemies, bringing danger right to her front door. Samantha has also recently been in a car accident, which starts to unlock a few past memories and unknown skills. Now, with the help of a private investigator named Mitch Hennessey, played by Samuel L. Jackson, she tries to unravel the mystery of her past, who she is, and why people are trying to kill her.

Quite a few of Shane Black's movies take place during the Christmas holiday. Either he really loves Christmas or he hates it considering all of these films are action movies with plenty of bullets, blood, and death. That's exactly what we get with "The Long Kiss Goodnight." This is an action-packed "who am I?" mystery that has its fair share of witty one-liners and a bit of goofiness as well. One question this movie asks is, how well can Geena Davis carry an action flick as the lead? She does a decent enough job and her 6-foot frame gives her the proper imposing stature of an action badass. That being said, there is something about her personality that doesn't have a hard enough center like Sigourney Weaver in "Alien" and its sequels or Linda Hamilton in "Terminator 2." Samuel L. Jackson is as hilarious as always, offering up numerous quips with his ever-present charm that almost always hit their comedic mark. Davis and Jackson have fantastic chemistry as partners. The story itself is a bit ridiculous and a little unbelievable. It can be contrived at times, but this still winds up being a fun popcorn action flick. How can you hate a movie where the protagonist ice skates after a car to gun down the driver? That's right, you can't.

If you're into circumstantial Christmas movies with lots of chases, blood, and torture, "The Long Kiss Goodnight" is the film for you.

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My Rating: 7/10
BigJ's Rating: 7/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.7/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 78%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?

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Movie Review: "Pottersville" (2017)

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Movie: "Pottersville"

Director: Seth Henrikson
Year: 2017
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 25 minutes

After finding out his wife wants to leave him to pursue an exciting life as a furry, neighborhood nice guy Maynard Geiger gets drunk on Moonshine and goes tromping around town dressed as a gorilla. This leads to a string of Bigfoot sightings which puts their small, troubled city of Pottersville on the map.

Nothing says Christmas quite like a bankrupt town, a furry fetish, and a Bigfoot hoax. These are the themes of the straight-to-VOD film "Pottersville," written by Daniel Meyer and directed by Seth Henrikson. This is the feature film debut for both of them. For a movie with such an odd premise, one might assume it stars likes of Pauly Shore or even John Cusack, the VOD king as of late. Surprisingly, this film boasts a great cast including Michael Shannon, Ron Perlman, Judy Greer, Ian McShane, Christina Hendricks, and Tom Lennon. "Pottersville" revolves around a local general store owner and an all-around nice guy named Maynard Geiger, played by Shannon. His shop is one of the few businesses left operating in town since the local lumber mill shut down. One day, Maynard decides to leave work early to surprise his wife, only to find her dressed as a giant rabbit and frolicking in bed with a man dressed as a wolf. The shock of the situation leads him to get drunk and dress up in a makeshift gorilla costume while traipsing and stomping through town. This leads to a slew of Bigfoot sightings, which brings fame, tourists, and reality television to their small town.

"Pottersville" has an absolutely absurd premise. The idea of a drunk guy in a gorilla costume getting mistaken for a Sasquatch, or "Squatch" as Tom Lennon's character Brock Masterson calls it, has some opportunities for humor already built into the plot. The question is, do the writer and director execute it well? There are some things about this movie that are so insane, they can and most likely will make the audience giggle. Overall though, most of the humor, unfortunately, brings only minor chuckles. This may be because Tom Lennon is meant to be the principal source of comedy, and for the most part, his shtick as a fake Australian outdoorsman just doesn't work and most his jokes are wildly bad.

In some ways, there is a little bit of joy in thinking, "oh my god, I can't believe they made this movie and got all these people to do it." Was this because of contractual obligations? Was it a bunch of people doing favors for friends? Or was it, as Ron Perlman put it on his Twitter page, purely a labor of love? Michael Shannon playing the town nice guy is honestly a questionable choice, even though we love and appreciate him so much as an actor. He very well may be a nice guy in real life, but he has spent most his career playing villains and has a resting look on his face that says "if you aren't careful, I will slit your throat while you sleep and I might even hum a ditty while I do it." There's a reason he plays baddies: because he does it so well. Don't get us wrong, he's fine here, but we think he's just a bit miscast. Bigfoot being real we can believe, but Michael Shannon being the town sweetheart may be asking us to suspend our disbelief a little too much.

This movie is quite literally all over the place. We never thought we'd have to review a Christmas movie where furries play a central part of the theme, but here we are, reviewing "Pottersville." We're not kink-shaming in the slightest, but the topic doesn't exactly scream "yuletide cheer," now does it? It's truly a wonder how this movie got made, but we certainly cannot say we hated it. It's got its problems and its goofiness, but if you can set all of that aside, you might enjoy this movie.

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My Rating: 5/10
BigJ's Rating: 5/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.0/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ---%
Do we recommend this movie: Meh.

Movie Review: "The Star Wars Holiday Special" (1978)

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Movie: "The Star Wars Holiday Special"

Director: Steve Binder
Year: 1978
Rating: NR
Running Time: 1 hour, 37 minutes

Han Solo tries to get Chewbacca home to Kashyyyk so he can spend 'Life Day' with his family.

We are huge "Star Wars" fans. If you've ever wondered if there's a "Star Wars" movie that the fans of the series should avoid at all costs, look no further than "The Star Wars Holiday Special," a made-for-TV movie that aired around Christmastime in 1978. The main cast appears in the film including Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Peter Mayhew, Anthony Daniels, and the voice of James Earl Jones, who all reprise their roles from "Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope." This movie is directed by Steve Binder, who directed many television specials prior to this one. What this movie is supposed to be about is Chewbacca trying to return to his home planet of Kashyyyk to spend "Life Day" with his family. Life Day is what we assume to be the Wookie version of Christmas. What this movie actually winds up being about is Chewbacca's family sitting at home waiting for him to get back while they watch various things on various screens as a few famous-at-the-time stars who weren't too busy doing anything else perform skits that have nothing to do with "Star Wars." A few of the other big names that appear in this special are Art Carney, Harvey Corman, Bea Arthur, Diahann Carroll, and Jefferson Starship because you know, STAR Wars, spaceSHIP... that's seriously the closest thing we could come up with to connect any these people to a galaxy far, far away.

We had heard that this movie was bad. We figured, how bad could it really be? We have watched countless bad movies like "Manos: Hands of Fate," "Heaven's Gate," and "Catwoman" all in the name of cinematic masochism. Hell, we just saw "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" for our Christmas marathon! But, nothing could have adequately prepared us for what we were about to witness. We hoped this would be a "so bad, it's good" type of experience like what happened when we viewed "Troll 2" or "Samurai Cop," and at first, this was almost the case. The feature starts out with Han Solo trying to get Chewbacca home before cutting to Chewie's family hanging out waiting in their tree house. They are 'talking' to each other, and as fans of "Star Wars" know, Wookies often sound like wounded animals struggling to survive. So here, we have a room full of Wookies screaming at each other. At first, it was a little funny, until we realized at some point about 20 minutes into the film that this was going to be continuing the whole movie. Sometimes Chewie's father Itchy, his mother Malla, and his son Lumpy watch some form of entertainment. For example, Chewbacca's son watches some weird precursor to Cirque du Soleil, and Chewbacca's father uses what seems to be a VR porn fantasy machine where Diahann Carroll sings a song about his inner fantasies. And speaking of songs, there are a lot of them, performed by Carroll, Jefferson Starship, Bea Arthur, and even Carrie Fisher. These tunes are interwoven with little interludes of Chewbacca's wife having a video call with Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia, and Art Carney. The charm wears off really quickly and it's clear nobody was happy to be participating in this thing. Harrison Ford had no intent on hiding his disdain. The only thing that sticks with us about this movie is that Chewbacca was a terrible father who abandoned his family to smuggle illegal goods, to fight in the Rebellion, and to fight for the Resistance without ever mentioning them ever again. It's easy to understand why people HATE this movie, and it's easy to see why Chewie never mentioned his family ever again. "The Star Wars Holiday Special" is atrocious.

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My Rating: 1.5/10
BigJ's Rating: 1.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 2.3/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 43%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

Movie Review: "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" (1964)

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Movie: "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"

Director: Nicholas Webster
Year: 1964
Rating: NR
Running Time: 1 hour, 21 minutes

When the Martian leader notices something wrong with the children of his home planet, upon the advice of the Ancient One, he leads a mission to Earth to bring Santa Claus to Mars in order to make the children of Mars have a happy childhood.

Yes, this movie exists. Most people who are familiar with "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" most likely became aware of it after it was subjected to some riffing for an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000" back in the late 1980's. For the sake of this review, we watched this film in its original glory, without the aid of commentary from Crow, Tom Servo, and Joel. The film is directed by Nicholas Webster and is written by Glenville Mareth, based on a story by Paul L. Jacobson, both of whom only have this writing credit to their name. It stars John Call as Santa Claus, who is captured and taken to Mars so he can bring joy to the unhappy children who reside there. Martian children are never really afforded a childhood, and now, it's up to Santa to let them experience what it's like to be a kid. The majority of the cast consisted of relatively unknown actors, though it does feature Bill McCutcheon, who would have a small role in "Steel Magnolias" and a reoccurring appearance on "Sesame Street" as Uncle Wally. Also in the film playing a Martian child named Girmar is Pia Zadora, who would eventually have the honor of winning a Golden Globe and a Golden Raspberry for the same performance in the 1982 film "Butterfly."

"Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is a really low budget, cheesy sci-fi Christmas kids movie. Costumes involve snorkel masks painted green and mounted upside-down on helmets, a copper gas line, some green tights, a couple of radio antennas, and a Whammo air blaster as the martian's weapon of choice. This movie is ridiculous from top to bottom, including a poorly written script and dialogue, a heavy reliance on and overuse of military stock footage, and mediocre acting, though John Call is really giving his performance as Santa his all and seems to be enjoying himself. From an acting, directing, story, and character standpoint, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" is a bad movie. That being said, there is a little bit of joy to be found in how absurdly bad it is. It is probably a much better choice to let the MST3K guys help in aiding the outrageous comedy of it all. It would certainly make it a more tolerable experience. In the end, it is probably best to avoid this film in its original form.

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My Rating: 2/10
BigJ's Rating: 2/10
IMDB's Rating: 2.6/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 24%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

Movie Review: "A Merry Friggin' Christmas" (2014)

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Movie: "A Merry Friggin' Christmas"

Director: Tristram Shapeero
Year: 2014
Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 1 hour, 28 minutes

Boyd hates his father and hasn't seen him in years. He is forced to head home for Christmas when he learns his brother Nelson he wants him to be the godfather of his son. Nelson is having the baby's baptism on Christmas eve, and he wants Boyd and his family to be there to spend Christmas with their entire family.

We have said it before and we will say it again, we are suckers for a good Christmas movie. There are two different kinds of Christmas films: the ones that put you in the spirit of the holiday and make you feel warm and toasty inside, and the ones that do the exact opposite. You know the kind, the ones that are all about how families suck and how spending time with them is the worst thing imaginable. "A Merry Friggin' Christmas" is a movie that embodies these latter sentiments. The film is directed by Tristram Shapeero, who mainly directs episodes of various television shows but seems to have a pretty good track record there. It is written by Michael Brown, who has never written anything else... and now we know why. The movie stars Joel McHale as Boyd Mitchler who, despite being raised by a mean, alcoholic father, played by Robin Williams, manages to become a successful businessman who tries his best to be a great father. Boyd's brother Nelson, played by Clark Duke, wants Boyd to be the godfather of his son (even though the kid is not really his son) and wants to have the baby's baptism on Christmas Eve. This means Boyd is forced to take his entire family home to his parent's house for the holiday. To make matters worse, Boyd has forgotten his son's Christmas presents at home, and now he has to make an eight-hour road trip to go back and get them. With his father. And his brother. In a truck that's hauling porta-potties. A Merry Friggin Christmas indeed.

This movie is atrociously awful and mean-spirited as hell. It's one of those movies that's meant to be a slightly dark comedy but fails on every conceivable level. It winds up being a torturous, horrendous task to try and get through. "A Merry Friggin' Christmas" is an utterly nasty mess with no charm, wit, or humor to be found. The characters aren't likable in the slightest, and we really don't care about any of them or their task(s) at hand. The plot is predictable, cliche, and has an unearned, completely contrived ending that we saw coming before the movie even started. We are huge fans of the late great Robin Williams, but even he fails to bring the laughs here. Joel McHale can often have a sarcastic wit and self-deprecating appeal about him, but these traits are nowhere to be found in this messy turd of a movie. Lauren Graham and Candice Bergen are also in the film and hardly have anything to do except to get drunk and fall over while talking about their non-existent sex lives. The comedy involves the lowest hanging fruit jokes imaginable and never, not once, hit their mark. Running jokes include a drunk hobo Santa, a son-in-law who is a sex offender, and Nelson having PTSD after falling off a truck during basic training. Happy Holidays! The only part of "A Merry Friggin' Christmas" that made us happy is the end, not because it has a cheerful conclusion, but because it finally friggin' ended, meaning we would be able to shit talk this piece of crap garbage movie and discuss how much we hated it.

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My Rating: 1/10
BigJ's Rating: 1/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.1/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 16%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!

Movie Review: "The Lonely Italian" (2017)

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Movie: "The Lonely Italian"

Director: Lee Farber
Year: 2017
Rating: NR
Running Time: 1 hour, 32 minutes

A 32-year-old Italian man signs up for just about every online dating site he can think of in the hopes of finding love in America in the digital age.

Comedy is a difficult genre to excel in, and it doesn't often get the recognition it deserves. Genuinely funny movies are infrequent and hard to come by, but we believe we have found a good one in writer/director Lee Farber's "The Lonely Italian." Domenico Nesci is the co-writer and overly charming star of this hilarious documentary-style comedy. Whether it is a fully-scripted mockumentary like "This is Spinal Tap" and "Best in Show" or a part documentary/part scripted film like Sasha Baron Cohen's "Borat," or "Bruno," we aren't really sure. What we see is Domenico Nesci going on hilariously awkward dates with women he met on sites and apps like 'J-Date' (despite not being Jewish), 'Farmers Only' (despite not being a farmer), and the more generalized 'Match.com'  He also conducts a series of interviews with online dating experts as they give their own personal and professional advice on finding love, which is sometimes unbelievably funny on its own without much or any of Domenico's shenanigans.

"The Lonely Italian" works as well as it does because of Domenico Nesci. The guy is very funny and his antics consistently bring laughs throughout the movie's runtime. We have seen a lot of big-budget Hollywood comedies this year, and very few, if any, have made us laugh as much as this small little independent film did. Like we said, we aren't totally sure how much of it is staged and how much is improvised with genuine reactions from the women Domenico meets on his dates, but either way, it's outlandishly funny. If the women are acting, they certainly do a wonderful job making the audience believe they aren't. The whole movie is a little silly at times as you can tell Domenico is just doing things to get a reaction and a rise out of the women he is meeting. Still, in a connected age when we are so disconnected from each other, it's nice to see how people view dating, love, marriage, family, and sex.

We hope "The Lonely Italian" finds a wider release somewhere, someway. whether it is on video on demand, Netflix, Amazon, or another streaming service (Apparently, this movie is now available to rent on Amazon and is also now available to watch on Hulu! YAY!!) When we sit through painfully unfunny movies in the theater like "CHIPS," "Home Again," or "Rough Night" and watch them go on to amass a bunch of money, it pains us to know that a genuinely hilarious movie like "The Lonely Italian" may go virtually unseen. The little guy deserves a break, and this comedy is one we definitely won't forget.

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My Rating: 8/10
BigJ's Rating: 8/10
IMDB's Rating: 8.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ---%
Do we recommend this movie: Yes!

Movie Review: "A Christmas Prince" (2017)

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Movie: "A Christmas Prince"

Director: Alex Zamm
Year: 2017
Rating: TV-PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 32 minutes

A reporter trying to get a story on the Prince of Aldovia poses as a tutor for his little sister so she can get the inside scoop on the prince. As the reporter gets closer and grows more fond of the prince, she has to decide what's more important, her story or her feelings for the prince and the royal family.

Just when you think the Hallmark channel has the market on sappy Christmas romances cornered, Netflix swoops in with "A Christmas Prince" and tries to snag yet another movie market. This film is directed by Alex Zamm, who seems to specialize in directing crappier sequels to already crappy kid's movies. A few examples of his work are "Inspector Gadget 2," "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2," "The Tooth Fairy 2," "Jingle All the Way 2," and "Dr. Doolittle: Million Dollar Mutts," which is shockingly the fifth installment in that franchise. It's really quite the resume. "A Christmas Prince" stars Rose McIver as Amber, a junior editor at a celebrity gossip and style magazine who is getting her first assignment as a journalist. She is sent to Aldovia to cover the coronation of Prince Richard, played by Ben Lamb, who has a reputation for being a bit of a playboy. Her boss hopes she can get a scandalous story as it's rumored Richard might abdicate the throne. Determined to get the inside scoop, Amber winds up posing as Princess Emily's new tutor. She becomes friends with Emily, played by Honor Kneafsy, and catches the eye of Prince Richard. Now, she must choose: does she do her job and get a scandalous story, or does she see where her blossoming relationship with Richard and friendship with Emily go? What's a woman to do?! IT'S JUST SO RELATABLE!!!!!!

As one might expect, "A Christmas Prince" is cliche, predictable, and loaded with endless amounts of schmaltz. Amber is about as boring and bland as Wonder Bread with no seasonings. She is like a female Alexander Skarsgård. The prince is thought to be a jet-setting playboy that leads an exciting and adventurous life, but he's secretly just as boring as good ol' Amber. Why travel the world with all the privileges of a prince's life? No, no, he prefers practicing archery and riding his horse to his father's secluded hunting cabin so he can sit and be along and do nothing. This makes them perfect for each other! If at the outset of "A Christmas Prince" you guessed Amber would fall for the prince and vice versa, you are probably right. If you guessed that there would be a conflict and a big secret reveal, you are probably right. If you guessed she would fall off her horse while riding in the woods and be attacked by wolves so the prince can save her "Beauty and the Beast" style, you're surprisingly probably right. This movie literally does nothing different with the genre, and frankly, we didn't expect it to reinvent the wheel. For many viewers, this sappy bit of joyful schmaltz is just what the doctor ordered to get you in the Christmas spirit. In many ways, this contrived mess does do the trick, even though every bit of emotion is forced and we see the ending coming from a light year away. In the end, "A Christmas Prince" isn't a good movie, but it may be one you can have a little fun with if you like something with this much mawkishness or are drunk enough to appreciate it.

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My Rating: 5/10
BigJ's Rating: 4.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.8/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ---%
Do we recommend this movie: Meh.

Movie Review: "Get Santa" (2014)

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Movie: "Get Santa"

Director: Christopher Smith
Year: 2014
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 42 minutes

After Santa crashes his sleigh and loses his reindeer, he is arrested trying to steal his reindeer back from the local animal shelter. Now, it is up to an ex-con and his son to save Christmas by breaking Santa out of prison.

Well, it looks like Christmas needs to be saved once again. Whether it be Scott Calvin, Buddy the Elf, or Ernest P. Worrell, Christmas sure needs a lot of saving. This time, it is up to an ex-con named Steve and his son, played by Rafe Spall and Kit Conner. "Get Santa" is written and directed by Christopher Smith, who is more known for directing R-rated horrors and dramas than family films. When Santa, played by Jim Broadbent, crashes his sleigh and loses his reindeer, he goes to get help from Steve because Steve saw him once as a child. Random. Steve blows him off at first, but after Santa winds up in prison trying to steal his impounded deer back from an animal shelter, Steve finally decides to help after his son insists on it. So, what else is there to do? They must break Santa out of prison. You would think that Santa would have had an opportunity to post bail, but we guess that wouldn't be much of a movie now would it?

"Get Santa" is an entirely formulaic family Christmas comedy. It is a very disposable holiday film that has just a bit a silliness and not much else. It will be quickly forgotten by all who watch it. Some of the jokes in this film do work well within the context of the story, mainly those involving dry and witty one-liners and a few situational moments. The rest of the humor consists of the typical toilet humor that will appeal to the children in the crowd such as reindeer who communicate through farts and Santa fighting off the police by shooting a machine gun that shoots reindeer poop at them. "Get Santa" also seems to borrow a couple jokes from a few of the more well known Christmas comedies. The film has a good cast and the acting is serviceable. Unfortunately, the story doesn't really make a whole heck of a lot of sense and the narrative seems a bit all over the place. The pacing certainly drags at some points, and though this movie isn't very long, it could have certainly been shorter by cutting out a bit of filler (maybe five or six less farting reindeer jokes?). In the end, there are many better holiday films out there, and you may be better off re-watching one of those instead of subjecting yourself to a low-level family flick like "Get Santa."

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My Rating: 4/10
BigJ's Rating: 4.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.3/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 77%
Do we recommend this movie: No.

Movie Review: "Prancer" (1989)

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Movie: "Prancer"

Director: John D. Hancock
Year: 1989
Rating: G
Running Time: 1 hour, 43 minutes

A little girl finds an injured reindeer that she believes to be Prancer, a member of Santa's sleigh team. She nurses it back to health and unintentionally revives the Christmas spirit in her entire town.

Christmas is all about love, believing in the impossible, and approaching the holidays with the heart of a child. These are also the themes of John D. Hancock's film "Prancer." It is written by Greg Taylor, who has spent a good chunk of his career writing Christmas movies, films like "The Christmas Box," "The Christmas Wish," and "Santa and Pete," among others. The film stars Rebecca Harrell Tickell as Jessica, a young girl who really, truly believes in Christmas and in Santa Claus. She finds an injured reindeer she believes to be the actual Prancer from Santa's sleigh team. She takes it home to her family's farm to nurse it back to health, unbeknownst to her father John, played by Sam Elliot, who is having a few issues of his own as he struggles to keep their farm afloat. When Jessica's secret gets out, it reignites the spirit of Christmas in her entire small town.

"Prancer" is a film that focuses on the innocence of a child and their faith in Christmas that inspires others. It is a cute family drama that ventures into schmaltzy territory on several occasions. Rebecca Harrell Tickell is adorable enough, though some of the things that are supposed to make her cute and endearing get a little grating and annoying over time, at least to us. Sam Elliott plays a stereotypical Sam Elliott-style role: a gruff cowboy type who doesn't take kindly to emotion because he needs to work to keep his mind off of the tragedy in his life. And speaking of tragedy, what's up with dead parents during Christmas movies? It's so the opposite of everything that's good and Christmasy. But we get it, family and togetherness and appreciation and all that jazz. As these characters go through the story, they are each changed in some way and learn valuable life lessons about love, family, togetherness, and most importantly, the spirit of the season.

"Prancer" has a few goofy moments that fit into the family film formula, but it also deals with a few more mature themes as well. The pacing of the movie can be a bit slow and it definitely drags and gets repetitive in a couple of places. It also has some little gags that are charming and made us chuckle. In the end, there is enough Christmas jolly to go around, and "Prancer" can leave you feeling all warm and fuzzy. Any movie that will put you in the proper state of mind at Christmastime is worth a watch during the yuletide season.

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My Rating: 6/10
BigJ's Rating: 6/10
IMDB's Rating: 6.3/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 67%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?

Movie Review: "The Shape of Water" (2017)

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Movie: "The Shape of Water"

Director: Guillermo del Toro
Year: 2017
Rating: R
Running Time: 2 hours, 3 minutes

A mute woman working on the custodial staff of a secret government facility falls in love with a fish-man that is imprisoned there. When she discovers he is in danger of being killed, she risks everything to help him escape.

There are a lot of romance movies out there, but there very few are told with the grace, beauty, and imagination seen in director Guillermo del Toro's latest film "The Shape of Water." It stars Sally Hawkins as Elisa Esposito, a mute woman who works as a cleaning lady at a secure government facility. One day, a curious looking creature, played by Doug Jones, is brought to the facility where it is imprisoned and regularly tortured by security officer Richard Strickland, played by Michael Shannon. Elisa befriends this creature, and over a short period of time, they bond with one another over music and eggs. She even begins to fall in love with it. When Elisa discovers this amphibian-man is to be dissected, she makes a plan to free it with the help of her best friend Giles, played by Richard Jenkins. She also gets some surprise help from her co-worker Zelda, played by Octavia Spencer, and a scientist named Dr. Hoffstetler, played by Michael Stuhlbarg.

"The Shape of Water" is the most gorgeous film of 2017. We don't mean this simply from a visual standpoint, but also in the way the story is written by del Toro and Vanessa Taylor. The art direction is fantastic, capturing almost an ethereal version of the 1960's with a color palette that ignites the senses and transports us to this world created by del Toro. The makeup work on Doug Jones is brilliant, and the creature design of the amphibian-man is nothing short of incredible. Jones gives an amazing performance as the amphibian-man, and though he looks like something straight out of a Universal monster movie, we quickly empathize with him and feel connected to him. Sally Hawkins gives her second award-worthy performance in less than a year as Elisa. She is able to convey so much emotion without even speaking. Through the use of expressions and body language, she tells stories and speaks of her isolation, her sadness, her longing, and her want and need to be accepted. Michael Shannon plays a sinister, alarmingly splendid villain. Seriously, he's scary good here. Michael Stuhlbarg never gives a bad performance and more people should know his name. His character has secrets to hide and is forced to choose between what he has been tasked to do and his undying love of science.

This story is juxtaposed against the backdrop of the Cold War and during the Civil Rights movement. People of color and people of different sexual orientations are treated as less than human by those around them in several instances. We see the treatment of the amphibian-man parallelled with the stories of characters like Giles and Zelda, and we come to comprehend him as more than just an animal or an asset. As these disenfranchised individuals come together in the name of love, we see those who have been marginalized rise up and become the heroes of the story, all while we explore our own ideas of what it truly means to be human.

We were drawn into this slightly twisted adult fairytale from the opening credits. We remained absolutely enthralled and utterly moved by each and every second of "The Shape of Water." It is enchanting, touching, and even horrific at times, yet it is all balanced into a perfectly lovely piece of cinema. Every moment of this film, from its intricate and odd score to its poignant fable, will delight all your senses. Guillermo del Toro has done an exquisite job directing this modern day fantasy romance and reminds us time and time again why he is our favorite director.

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My Rating: 10/10
BigJ's Rating: 10/10
IMDB's Rating: ~8.0/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ~94%
Do we recommend this movie: ABSOLUTELY YES!!!

Movie Review: "I'll Be Home for Christmas" (1998)

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Movie: "I'll Be Home for Christmas"

Director: Arlene Sanford
Year: 1998
Rating: PG
Running Time: 1 hour, 26 minutes

A student named Jake is attending the Palisades Academy in California. He has promised his dad he'll come home to New York for Christmas for the first time since his mother passed away. In exchange for coming home, his father promises to give him his old classic Porche if he makes it back by 6:00 pm on Christmas Eve. When Jake gets left in the middle of nowhere without a ride, this task becomes seemingly impossible.

Sometimes, late at night, usually after a half-dozen margaritas, one's mind may drift to thinking about life's big questions. Does God exist? Is there life on Mars? Whatever happened to one-time child actor Jonathan Taylor Thomas and why didn't he ever go on to bigger and better things? Then, one evening, you find yourself searching for stuff to watch on Hulu and stumble across a movie like "I'll Be Home for Christmas" and it all becomes very clear. You realize, even without a half-dozen margaritas, that JTT really wasn't a very good actor and that having a baby face and a voice that matched it is probably why his career didn't have any longevity.

"I'll Be Home for Christmas" is directed by Arlene Sandford, who is best known for directing "A Very Brady Sequel," as well as a bunch of television shows. The film stars the aforementioned Jonathan Taylor Thomas who plays Jake, a student attending the Palisades Academy in California, far, far away from his hometown in New York. He hasn't been back for Christmas since his mother passed a few years earlier. His father wants to see him, but Jake doesn't think he can make it home... that is until his dad promises to give him his classic Porche if he makes it home for Christmas Eve dinner by 6pm. Unfortunately, after upsetting a group of football players, Jake gets dumped in the middle of the desert in a Santa costume with no ride and no way to get home. Joining JTT is Jessica Beil as his girlfriend Allie, Adam LaVorgna as his rival Eddie, and Gary Cole as his father.

We love Christmas movies, but in our effort to find all of the good ones, we have certainly come across plenty of bad ones. "I'll Be Home for Christmas" definitely falls into the latter category because it is simply a bad Christmas movie. There are many holiday films that aren't great but still manage to be charming enough with likable enough characters that make for a schmaltzy, festive viewing. This, however, is a movie about a selfish, unlikable little shit of a main character who is meant to learn a lesson and have a real character arc, but never comes about one naturally. He remains his old selfish self until the contrived script needs him to learn whatever lesson he is supposed to learn. Most of the comedy here just doesn't land and consists mainly of pratfalls and dog farts. Maybe the stuff discussed in this movie was more humorous and relevant in the 1990's, but in 2017, nah dawg. Though there is an occasional double-entendre that does work, these moments are a bit surprising to be found in a PG-rated kids movie (though the 90's were certainly more lenient time). As we mentioned, the acting is really bad but not from just Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Nobody gives a good performance. Everyone's acting feels stiff and forced. Nothing at all feels natural in the slightest. Maybe we should cut them a break because it was early in their careers.

Many kids who grew up in the 1990's will love "I'll Be Home for Christmas," but we thought it was a waste of time. It's one of those movies that are better off forgotten unless you have some misplaced nostalgia because of your crush on teen heartthrob Jonathan Taylor Thomas. It's a little bit cheesy, but it has terrible writing, terrible acting, and an unearned ending.

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My Rating: 4/10
BigJ's Rating: 3/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.4/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 23%
Do we recommend this movie: No.

Movie Review: "Django Unchained" (2012)

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Movie: "Django Unchained"

Director: Quentin Tarantino
Year: 2012
Rating: R
Running Time: 2 hours, 45 minutes

A German bounty hunter named Dr. King Schultz buys and frees a slave named Django, who he takes on as a partner in exchange for pointing out the identities two lucrative bounties.

"Django Unchained" is a pre-Civil War western written and directed by Quentin Tarantino, who is known for his films "Pulp Fiction" and "Inglorious Basterds." It stars Jamie Foxx as the titular Django, who begins the movie as a slave, but is bought and freed by a German dentist turned bounty hunter Dr. King Schutz, played by Christoph Waltz. Dr. King Schultz is looking for two bounties of whom Django knows the identities, and in exchange for pointing them out, Schultz gives Django his freedom, makes him his partner, and agrees to help him free his wife Broomhilda, played by Kerry Washington, from slavery. Broomhilda is owned by 'Monsieur' Calvin J. Candie, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, a wealthy plantation owner who is obsessed with French culture and regularly puts on 'Mandingo Fights' for sport.

Quentin Tarantino brings his unique, character-driven vision to the western genre in "Django Unchained." He dabbled in this genre a little bit making "Kill Bill," but here, he goes all out. First off, Robert Richardson's cinematography in the film is stunning and amazing. The shots are expertly crafted and can be brutally breathtaking. There are some scenes that are downright violent, but at the same time, they are artfully crafted as the deep red color of blood is juxtaposed against white cotton, and white horses, and white walls. It's oddly gorgeous. And what would a Tarantino film be without his sharply engaging dialogue? And who better to deliver it than Christoph Waltz? Both times Tarantino has employed Waltz, it has produced an Oscar-winning performance. He is absolutely brilliant as Dr. King Schultz. Jamie Foxx and Samuel L. Jackson present two characters at the opposite end of the spectrum for those held in slavery pre-Civil war. Foxx's Django is a freed slave ready to stick it to the man acting as a beacon of hope for what is possible. He starts out as a timid man, but as King Schultz trains him in his bounty hunting ways, his inner menace comes out in full, brutal force. Jackson's Stephen is a vocal and vociferous personality and gains a small amount of power by endearing himself to his owners and aiding in the oppression of his fellow slaves. Two glorious and different performances that juxtapose one another nicely. Another actor here giving an amazing performance is Leonardo DiCaprio, who plays an utterly despicable character but does so exceedingly well. He has some of the most memorable scenes in the film, even though he's only in the latter portion of the film.

Cunning, brutal, perverse, and darkly humorous, "Django Unchained" is an intense, bloody, engaging movie with stunning cinematography. It is one of Tarantino's best films.

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My Rating: 10/10
BigJ's Rating: 10/10
IMDB's Rating: 8.4/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 87%
Do we recommend this movie: ABSOLUTELY YES!!!

Movie Review: "Christmas Evil" (1980)

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Movie: "Christmas Evil"

Director: Lewis Jackson
Year: 1980
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 40 minutes

A mentally unstable toy maker dresses up like Santa Claus on Christmas Eve and decides to reward the good and punish those on the naughty list.

We love Christmas and we really like horror movies, so it's nice when we get our hands on classic Christmas horror flicks like "Christmas Evil," aka "You Better Watch Out." The film is written and directed by Lewis Jackson, who really isn't known for much else, though he does have a little-seen horror movie called "The Transformation: A Sandwich of Nightmares," which sounds like something we needed to see yesterday. This film stars Brandon Maggart as Harry Stadling, a toy factory worker who has an odd obsession with Santa Claus. This fixation stems from an incident where he saw his mother doing a little more than kissing Santa under the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve. He plays out this fantasy by spying on the kids in his neighborhood, making sure to see if they are naughty or nice. When Christmas Eve rolls around this year, Harry finally dons the red suit and white beard combo and acts out his Santa Claus fantasy. He delivers presents to good and needy children and makes sure the naughty kids on his list get what's coming to them, which is sometimes an ax to the head.

When we first decided to watch "Christmas Evil," we figured it would be a cheesy Christmas horror that's so bad, it's good. It turns out, this is a psychological horror that's just plain old good if you can get past its dated exterior. Brandon Maggart does a great job as the seemingly kind-hearted Harry Stadling. He is obviously dealing with some form of psychosis stemming from his unhealthy obsession with Santa. There is a lot of tension early on as we are often unsure what Harry's going to do or how far he will go to reward and punish. We see that he is a weird guy, but we also know he has a good heart deep down which makes him a semi-relatable though crazy protagonist. Despite becoming a killer, he is a character we can root for. Does that make us psychotic? Harry has an interesting dynamic with his brother, played by Jeffery DeMunn, who feels like Harry is his responsibility. The two have a few engaging moments that lends to the movie's psychological aspects. We also love the fantastical ending, which we didn't expect.

"Christmas Evil" is a low budget horror, so don't expect any flash, pomp, or circumstance. It has a rather off-the-wall concept for a Christmas flick. It is a little slow paced, but if you give it a chance, it's totally worth your time.

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My Rating: 7/10
BigJ's Rating: 7.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.2/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: ~80%
Do we recommend this movie: Sure, why not?

Movie Review: "C.H.U.D." (1984)

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Movie: "C.H.U.D."

Director: Douglas Cheek
Year: 1984
Rating: R
Running Time: 1 hour, 28 minutes

A rash of missing persons in New York City leads investigators to the discovery of subterranean mutants that have been eating humans. It turns out, the government has also been trying to cover it up.

"C.H.U.D" is a low budget 80's schlock horror film directed by Douglas Cheek. This is the only feature film he has ever directed, and after watching it, it's totally understandable why he never made another movie. It stars John Heard who plays George Cooper, a photographer working on a project photographing the homeless in New York City. The homeless of the city are the primary victims in this flick. Daniel Stern plays A.J. 'The Reverend' Sheperd who also works with the vanishing homeless through his soup kitchen. Finally, Christopher Curry plays police Captain Bosch whose wife has recently disappeared. These three individuals investigate these strange disappearances and soon discover the existence of C.H.U.D.s, or Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. The further they investigate, the most it appears that the government has made every attempt to cover up their existence.

Let's rip the band-aid off quickly, shall we? "C.H.U.D." is not a good movie. There are some elements, however, that are actually decent. The creatures themselves look really good considering the movie's low budget. There are a couple moments of intense gore, especially during a scene involving a gaping wound on a man's leg. It's disgusting and cool all at the same time. The film also deals with themes of government disregard for public safety and their lack of concern for the poor, as well as rampant corporations and the fears and threats of nuclear mutation. These were all prominent social issues in the 80's, a decade dominated by commercialism, corporate expansion, and fear of nuclear power and toxic waste. Unfortunately, "C.H.U.D." doesn't build the necessary tension to explore these weighty issues and takes a while to really get going. Because of this, it winds up being very boring for most of its runtime. There are also not enough C.H.U.D.s in "C.H.U.D.," which sort of defeats the purpose of making it a horror flick. When it boils down to it, this movie is more about the men who inadvertently created the creatures and tried to cover them up with little regard for human life. Those are the real monsters rather than the C.H.U.D.s. themselves. It is just too bad the overall themes were not better explored and the story wasn't better executed. What we are left with is a poorly paced mess instead of something scary and/or insightful.

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My Rating: 3/10
BigJ's Rating: 3.5/10
IMDB's Rating: 5.5/10
Rotten Tomatoes Rating: 23%
Do we recommend this movie: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE!!!