Thursday, January 31, 2019


It's that time of the year again, the time when we take a look back at the films we've watched and present to you our "best of" and "worst of" lists. We like to get the negative out of the way first, you know, to cleanse our auras. In the last few years, the number of people who are not happy with the promotion of "worst of" lists has risen. Look, we know it sucks to rag on people who make movies, it's an extremely hard job to do, and there's no way we could ever do it. The fact of the matter is, we've already reviewed these films in full, we're merely cataloging them and linking back to them for your (dis)pleasure. If this is not your cup of tea, we apologize, our "best of" list will be out soon, so we'll see you then.

Without further ado, here it is, our list of THE TOP 15 WORST THEATRICALLY RELEASED FILMS OF 2018! Do you agree with this list? Let us know what your least favorite films of the year were!

Robin Hood 2018 movie Taron Egerton Jamie Foxx
15. "Robin Hood"Oh, look! It's another "Robin Hood" movie! You know what was wrong with the other 20+ versions of this story? They weren't quite GQ enough. Otto Bathurst's version of this tired material boasts a hyper-stylized version of the Middle Ages where everyone wears Haute Couture straight out of a Tom Ford fall catalog. They call him "The Hood." They use fully automatic bazooka crossbows called "street weapons." Jamie Foxx's accent wavers the entire movie. The CGI is awful for a $100+ million project. We can't believe we were dumb enough to give this movie our hard-earned cash.
The Nun 2018 horror movie
14. "The Nun" - What a freaking waste of celluloid. After the surprisingly good "Annabelle: Creation," we had a glimmer of hope for the extended "Conjuring" universe. Any hope we had was crushed by "The Nun," one of the most uneventful, uninteresting horror movies we've seen in recent memory. Jump scares abound in this frightfully unscary, exposition-heavy failure.
Forever My Girl 2018 movie Jessica Rothe
13. "Forever My Girl" - A schmaltzy story loaded with every cliche in cinematic existence, "Forever My Girl" looks like a rich lady's Pinterest board come to life. It barfs out unrealistic romantic fantasies full of sap and cheese as its paper-thin characters prance around the generic plot that is indistinguishable from the thousands of other movies just like it. Avoid this one unless you're 12-17 years old.
Midnight Sun 2018 movie Bella Thorne Patrick Schwarzenegger
12. "Midnight Sun" - Movies about teenagers who have illnesses or diseases that are successful and well-made manage to be honest, touching, and emotional. "Midnight Sun" is anything but, using an illness called Xeroderma Pigmentosum as a plot device for an unearned, poorly acted romance that uses its terrible script to force two beautiful people into having a little bit of pain in their lives. It hits every romantic drama cliche in the book.
Life Itself 2018 movie Oscar Isaac Olivia Wilde
11. (tie) "Life Itself" - Lazy, disingenuous, and overly melodramatic, "Life Itself" wants so badly to make the audience feel any sort of emotion that it is willing to kill characters over and over and over again just to do it. It's not honest, it's not genuine, and it sure as shit ain't realistic. When the knee-jerk reaction after a film ends is to compare it to "Collateral Beauty," a similarly flawed and deceitful flick, you know you're in trouble.
Gotti 2018 movie John Travolta
11. (tie) "Gotti" - "Gotti" is an utterly awful movie, a jumbled mess of fawning adoration and juvenile scriptwriting made by a fanboy trying to convince the audience that a career criminal who did immeasurable harm to others is somehow a decent person. We're not quite sure what convinced MoviePass Ventures to gamble on this movie, but it was a gamble where the only possible payout was a guaranteed trip to swim with the fishes.
Holmes and Watson 2018 movie Will Ferrell John C. Reilly
10. "Holmes and Watson" - It's never too late for a movie to be one of the worst of the year. Sony knew they had a stinker on their hands with "Holmes and Watson," so they didn't bother promoting it very much. It is a try-hard, unfunny slog. It is terribly edited and has awful audio dubbing. We hated every second of being in the theater watching this one.
The 15:17 to Paris 2018 movie Clint Eastwood
9. "The 15:17 to Paris" - Apparently, with all of his years of experience behind him, Clint Eastwood thought it would be a good idea to cast the actual people involved in the events of the "The 15:17 to Paris" to play themselves. There is no question about whether or not these men are heroes because they most certainly are, but they are not actors. A couple of mediocre-but-worthwhile moments in a 94-minute film does not make for a worthwhile viewing experience, so you're probably better off reading the Wikipedia page for this event. Despite its incredible premise, the film wound up being a mess of cringe-worthy dialogue and forced performances.
Winchester 2018 horror movie Helen Mirren
8. "Winchester" - You'd think that "Winchester" would be an instant success given that it stars the incomparable Helen Mirren and is all about the spooky, world famous Winchester mansion. Unfortunately, it's nowhere near the word "success," unless you're talking about how successful it was at boring audiences to death. This is one of the most lifeless films we saw all year. It may only be 99 minutes in length, but it feels like it took us closer to 99 hours to complete it. As you know, the worst thing any movie can be is dull, and even with Mirren at its disposal, this one still sucked.
Dog Days 2018 movie Vanessa Hudgens
7. "Dog Days" - An adorable chihuahua in a little pink helmet isn't enough to save "Dog Days" from being a painful experience to sit through. It is so unmistakably a contractual obligation for everyone involved that the actors couldn't even be bothered to phone-in their performances. It's an unfocused mess that is far too long, far too mawkish, and far too unfunny to constitute a theatrical release. This movie would surely win a "world's ugliest dog competition."
Show Dogs 2018 movie Will Arnett
6. "Show Dogs" - This stupid talking dog movie was painful to sit through. It wants so badly to be a kid-friendly version of a buddy cop movie like "K-9" or "Turner and Hooch," but it's closer to the quality of something like "Top Dog" or "Karate Dog." We can't believe this flick got made in 2018. *sigh* Hopefully, Hollywood will finally be done with talking animal movies once and for all.
Blumhouse's Truth or Dare 2018 horror movie Lucy Hale
5. "Blumhouse's Truth or Dare" - Shitty horror movies are a dime a dozen, but rarely are they so full of unlikable characters that we're happy to see them die. It doesn't exactly make for an unsettling series of situations when you're rooting for everyone to perish. Combine that with an atrocious script and an antagonist that looks like a silly, dumb Snapchat filter, and you have the makings of a disaster.
Action Point 2018 movie Johnny Knoxville
4. "Action Point" - "Action Point" is a misguided attempt to combine the classic summer fun plucky underdog formula with the bone-breaking stunts of "Jackass." None of the stunts wind up being entertaining or funny. It's one of those movies where it looks like those involved had a lot more fun making it than we had watching it. We literally cringed our way through this one.
Fifty Shades of Grey 2018 movie Dakota Johnson Jamie Dornan
3. "Fifty Shades Freed" - Thank goodness this unbearable series is over because each new movie seemed to be worse than the last. Like its predecessors, "Fifty Shades Freed" is a tedious slog with bland characters, an uninteresting, horribly put together narrative, and sex scenes that are not even remotely erotic. Seriously, how can two people make sex look so boring? We should have stopped after the first movie, but we guess, like Anastasia Steele, we have a masochistic side, only we're not into whips and chains, our kink is bad movies.
Slender Man 2018 horror movie Joey King
2. "Slender Man" - A horror movie with no mood, no tension, no atmosphere, and no scares is hardly a horror film at all. This description fits "Slender Man" to the tee, making it the worst horror movie of 2018. It's a tedious slog and a jumbled, nonsensical mess. Truth be told, it feels like an unfinished film. Its greatest offense is that it squanders the titular Slender Man, the iconic Creepypasta entity/internet meme, and fails to use him in a manner that could bring some big scares. Please do not make the same mistake we did. Our suffering can be your reward. Don't watch this movie.
Tyler Perry's Acrimony 2018 movie Taraji P. Henson
1. "Tyler Perry's Acrimony" - We thought it couldn't get much worse than "Boo! 2: A Madea Halloween" from last year. It turns out, we were very, very wrong. From a laughably bad script to some painfully stiff acting, from unlikable characters to way too much forced melodrama, from terrible audio issues to shamefully poor camerawork (complete with awful visuals like the shoddy use of a green-screen in a park, and a boat that's supposed to be floating in choppy water but magically looks as stiff as a board), "Acrimony" is absolutely horrible in every way imaginable. What makes it worse is that Tyler Perry has directed countless films over the last few think he'd know better than to make as many mistakes as he did! Released the last week of March, this flick was bad enough to maintain the top spot on our worst list for 9 months. We want to give Perry the benefit of the doubt, and we hope that one day he makes a movie worth seeing, one that will change our minds about his work, but this isn't it.

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1 comment:

  1. Will be sure to watch the movies I haven’t since I love myself a bad movie at night, if you haven’t seen The Ritual I wouldn’t recommend it but that was by far the worst movie for 2018 for me.
    ~your son perks of being Kevin ��